15 November 2007

New Year Update

So, Samhain (roughly November 1st, rough Pagan equivalent to Hallowe'en) is generally considered the Pagan's New Year.
I was sort of resisting that, because I wanted everything to be nice and symmetrical: dawn is the beginning of the day (for me), so spring should be the beginning of the year, and east where I start in Circle. And, likewise, if I call Samhain the New Year, that means the beginning of the day has to be somewhere between sunset and midnight (as Samhain is halfway between Autumn Equinox and Winter Solstice, the sunset and midnight of the year), and I'd have to start my Circle in the northwest?
Ah, symmetry.

Anyway, if Samhain does mark the beginning of the year, then this year is known as The Year of Taking Off the Mask.
I had a mask base, that I had made a couple years ago, when I was still part of a group. I had been keeping it for ... something. I didn't know what. For a while, it was significant to me to keep it blank, and leave it on my altar.
But I decided that there were several things I needed to let go of this year. And that group I was a part of was something that needed to be let go of. Which for me meant getting rid of or making new use of the physical pieces I had been holding onto.
So, after some serious thought, and a conversation, I decided that instead of making putting on the mask the significant act, taking the mask off would be the significant act, and the mask was to represent all of me that is unhealthy, that is sick, that is holding me back, that I want to change, and every mean thing anyone has ever said about me. (That I could remember.)
So I wrote all sorts of words on the mask, and it was an extremely powerful ritual. When I wore The Mask, I could feel the weight of all those words, and when I took The Mask off, the relief was intense.

Clearly, this is a thing that evokes change over a longish period of time, which means I need to wear The Mask frequently, so I can perform the significant act of taking it off.
I've tried it once since the fifth, which is actually when I did the ritual, but I was feeling so numb and detached that day that I couldn't feel anything, even The Mask.

Happy New Year.

14 November 2007

Just putting this out there.

I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling. I've had a few dysfunctional days in a row, followed by today which was functional and good, up until now when I feel ... detached and numb and dysfunctional again.
I joined a Love Addicts Anonymous discussion board, because there are no LAA meetings here (or anywhere else besides LA). There are a few SLAA (Sex and Love AA) meetings, but they're not exactly arranged to work perfectly with my life (two on role-playing days, one on my day off, which will be fine once I move back to SLC ... ). There's also two CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meetings, one on a game night, the other on my writing group night.

I don't know if I should even "put this out there", because once you say something, like, I'm writing a novel, or, I've joined a 12-step program, people ask about it, people expect you to go on with it, people want to hear about your novel, people hold you to being a vegetarian (a friend of mine decided he wouldn't actually start being a vegetarian until he told people he was).
I don't know that I can handle that right now. Hell, it's hard enough when people ask about my writing projects. (By the way, seriously put on hold right as my life is basically falling apart.)

I don't know what to do. I feel like I just want to get my life in order one thing at a time, and right now, that's moving out of my parents' house. It's semi-valid; I will have a much easier time getting to that Monday meeting if I'm already in SLC, because I live there. But it also feels like one of those endless excuses; the as-soon-as excuse.
I know I should get out of my current relationship, because I'm unhealthy, and so is he (like attracts like; it's very difficult to have unhealthy relationships with healthy people), and the relationship is pretty much going nowhere, but I'm content to wait till I've started going to meetings, which is again semi-valid, because if this was something I could do on my own, without the support of people who know what I'm going through, I'd have done it already. I need the support of the group. But the excuse feels like a crutch.

I know that I'm going to regret "putting this out there".
Is this some kind of cry for help and sympathy? I don't think so. But hell, my judgement isn't exactly perfect at the moment. And I'm seriously not functional right now.

I need a humidifier hella bad.

01 November 2007

Thoughts on being sick.

The thing I hate most about being sick is the part where I'm afraid to eat anything afterward, because my stomach still feels pretty delicate, and then my stomach just feels crappy because I'm hungry, but I don't know if I'm hungry or if I'm still sick-ish, or both; and I don't know if eating will make me feel better or if it will make me throw up again.
That's where I'm at right now. And needing to clean off my bed, and really not wanting to. Plus, my room is freezing because I wanted to air it out. So I really don't want to hang out in my room, which sucks, because I hate the feeling I get in the main house, which is feeling like I don't belong, like I don't have a place, because I don't have my own space there.

Anyway. I think I'm going to eat and then come back here with cleaning supplies, because I'd really like to have my room back. Plus, I'm fucking freezing.


I threw up last night. around midnight. And because I'm not actually a part of the house, but in an "outbuilding" with no bathroom, I didn't quite "make it".
Actually, I was afraid that I would start throwing up on the floor if I got up and tried to put on pajamas, and so I clung to the vain hope that nothing would happen if I stayed still.
So I ended up throwing up all over my bed.

My stomach still feels a bit delicate. I've had some mint tea (not that it helped last night), and a banana.
My mom's washing machine has bits of half-digested food in it from washing my sheets. I want to clean it out before she needs to use it, but I still feel sick.