31 August 2009


So, I found out today that one of the supplements I'm taking not only supplies me with iodine for my hypothyroidism (which is why I'm taking it) but also lithium, for my manic-depression.
Yay kelp!

30 August 2009

The Art of Suicide & Lemonade

It occurred to me that I needed a day planner, and since there's so much of the year left, I decided I could try to find a used or otherwise discounted 2009 planner online. I found an awesome planner: the 2009 Mood Organizer, by
It's great; it gives you places to note your activities, how much sleep you get, medications, etc. It's totally made for manic-depression. So, I went to the website, hoping for something useful.
This is what I found:

"Someone once said, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' And, today there are entirely too many lemons still laying around with lots of thirsty people standing by waiting for a drink."

Emilie Autumn talks about this sort of thing in her song The Art of Suicide:
Why live a life
That's painted with pity
And sadness and strife
Why dream a dream
That's tainted with trouble
And less than it seems
Why bother bothering
Just for a poem
Or another sad song to sing
Why live a life
Why live a life

The idea being: don't kill yourself, you have so much to give! And her answer is, Why, so I can write another sad song, for other people? What about myself? Fuck you!
Which was my thought when I read the lemonade comment. I should suffer so other people can profit from the fruit of my suffering? Fuck you! Make your own damn lemonade.

Anyway. I feel I should mention that I am not feeling suicidal. (Still manic, as far as I can tell.) I just don't want to be told that I'm suffering for the good of others.

Anyway, if I hop to it, I might be able to get some writing in today before my friend Rae's birthday party.

Love you all!

26 August 2009

Still Manic.

Manic=cussing people out in my head while laughing at myself for doing so/cracking myself up for how cleverly I'm cussing people out in my head.
Manic=not pausing when I speak, bouncing around topics so fast we get conversational whiplash, and laughing a lot.
Manic+Sick=laying in bed staring at the ceiling because Sick is telling me I need to sleep and Manic won't shut up about EVERYTHING.

This was my day.

Also, all I had to eat until about 7:30 was two pieces of toast, a glass of juice, and gallons of feel-better tea. Plus some water. I think Manic gives me a decreased need to eat, as well as sleep.

In closing:

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva,
The mountains can cover the shape of his nose.
He wants to die where nobody can see him,
But the beauty of his death will carry on so
I don't believe him
He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him
And sometimes we're scorned and sometimes I believe him.
And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy,
Get scared and call him but he's usually hazy

At one in the morning the day is not ended
By two he is scared that sleep is no friend.
And by four he will drink but he cannot feel it,
Sleep will not come because sleep does not will it
And I don't believe him
Morning is mocking me

I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats
Til' the ring on my finger slips to the ground
A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city
The veins of which have broken me down.
And I don't believe him,
Morning is mocking me

Oh the gods that he believes, never fail to amaze me
He believes in the love of his god of all things,
But I find him wrapped up in all manner of sins
The drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him
I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.
I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.

And since last that we parted, since last that I saw him
Down by a river silent and hardened
Morning was mocking us, blood hit the sky.
I was just happy my manic and I
He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes
And birds were singing to calm us down
And birds were singing to calm us down

And I'm sorry young man I cannot be your friend
I don't believe in a fairy tale end
I don't keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind.
And I hardly know you, I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that we're ill
I hardly know you, I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that I'm ill
And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
The gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
My nihilist, my happy man, my manic and I
Have no plans to move on
The birds are singing to calm us down
And birds are singing to calm us down
--My Manic and I, Laura Marling

24 August 2009

Manic Depression

I might be manic-depressive. There's a chance. It occurred to me a few days ago when I was reading about hypothyroidism and depression and bipolar (etc.), because I've known for a while that everything I go through (with the exception of the chronic pain) is cyclical. Sometimes I function better, sometimes I have no functionality. I thought that I was cycling through healthy and unhealthy, functioning and not-functioning, but it has occurred to me that maybe I'm cycling through manic and depression.
Anyway. I created a double-sided chart, one side labeled Dysthymic Phase (dysthymia is a low-grade, long-term type of depression that is linked to hypothyroidism), the other labeled Euphoric Phase. (These terms came from my reading about cyclothymia, a low-grade, long-term type of bipolar that is linked to hypothyroidism.) The symptoms are listed, and 31 days are set out. I started marking on the 20th, although I had been depressed before then, and until today, all my marks were on the Dysthymic Phase side.
Today I have one check mark on the DP side (Difficulty Making Decisions, based on the fact that I wandered around and around the store after work trying to figure out if I wanted to buy something to eat, and if so, what, even though I have food at home, I knew what I was going to eat, and actually, making the decision to just go home wasn't that difficult, either; I think I just wanted to spend money, and thus also marked Spending Sprees on the EP side), and all the rest on the EP side.
I was in a good mood earlier, and got hostile/aggressive (in my head) about customers at work and (out loud) to Jamie on the phone, etc. There's more.

So, this is just the initial report: today I appeared Manic for at least some of the day. We'll see how it continues.
Maybe I'll actually get some writing done.

(Ooh, earlier today I exhibited Increased Drive to Achieve Goals: I should mark that!)

Time to eat because I'm dying.
Love you all manically.

10 August 2009

Temp jobs etc.

Okay, I'm going to try to update more regularly, especially since I seem to be in a spate of temp jobs, which means I'm sitting in front of the computer all day.
(By the way, Dad: remember that one temp job I got packing small electronic items? You said that I should be using my brain and not my body, and how I was so much more qualified and should be doing something like receptionist, or even better? Well, I was never once bored at that other job, I got to use the OCD part of my brain, and that in itself felt fulfilling in a way I've never had before. These jobs? Phones, receptionist? I am So Bored. Not fulfilled in any way. I would trade.)

Anyway, it's not so bad. Today's the first day at this place, and let me tell you, first-day jitters every time you switch an assignment. Blech. But anyway, I'm not too bored yet. It was just the last day or two at the last place really killed me. And once I get settled in here, and understand the place, it should be less stressful.
It should be a week at this place, so we'll see how it goes.

In other news: complete and total lack of energy is sapping up everything I'm trying to do. And maybe that's all it was with the last temp job: I just had no energy to exert to that job, especially when I had so many other things going on.
So, it's being a struggle to write, get up in the morning, etc. We'll see how it goes. I really need a doctor.
Also, my relationship is going well. We had a weekend in which there was no arguments, no miscommunications, nothing. (This is major.) It was good.
Despite what I just said, things with Jamie are going well. We argue and have miscommunications, but we always work it out.
I can't really think of anything at the moment. It's a shame that my temp-job environments have been, so far, pretty deadening. I can't write. I'm planning on emailing to myself copies of my stories (tried to this morning, but Gmail was being a bitch, and I had to Get To Work), and then I can maybe work on them in small batches, but I really feel brain-dead. Maybe it's the feng shui. Maybe I can do something to help it.
I'm in pain. It's worse right now.

08 August 2009

SQUEEEE!!!!!!! Emilie Autumn!

Emilie Autumn's coming to town Nov 2nd, and I'm going to see her show!!!!!
I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!!!
I just bought tickets.
SQUEEEE some more, and now I have to go to work.
Love you all!!!

The Plague: Get it. Feed it. Spread it. Bitches.

In case you're curious; ticket info: currently on pre-sale for $13 (probably ends up $20 with "convenience fee"), for members of the EA fanclub/online community. If you want to go, and are my friend, and are not part of this, let me know.
I don't know when they go on regualr sale, or how much they will be then.
Okay, now I really have to go to work.