Thanks.

My favorite Pagan book of all time (Urban Primitive) gives a spell for letting go of people who have moved on (or anything you might want to get rid of). The spell involves writing down the name of the person or thing to be let go of on a piece of paper, going to a subway station, ripping the paper up, and letting the subway trains take the pieces of paper away as they pass. Something about the undergroundedness, the motion and darkness, makes subways energetically related to the Underworld and the Underworld Deities.
Anyway. The book recommends that you be careful about doing this spell, because if you're not really ready to let go of that person or thing, it can get ripped from you.

My ex-lover was related to something that I was letting go of for my Samhain ritual. I do have to wonder if he was ripped from me as an unintentional byproduct of the letting go of things ritual. Because I was not ready.


I do want to say thanks to everyone who had a kind word to say, or has been thinking good thoughts my way. The depression isn't completely gone (is it ever?), but I'm feeling better.
I got some books from the library. One each on codependency, addiction, depression and suicide, because the title was How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me. And the suicide one, surprisingly enough, has been the most helpful so far. I have had a couple episodes of suicidal thought in my entire life, and the last one was fucking weird, involving completely involuntary flashes of ways I could kill myself, followed by commentary on how it wouldn't work ("No, crashing the car into the car in front of me won't kill me, I'm not going fast enough. I would get injured and go to the hospital, and have to pay the hospital bills and car-wreaking bills without insurance, and Nick (my ex-fiance whose car it was) would be pissed at me!"). And that was several months ago.
Anyway, the suicide book has all sorts of exercises and "Tricks of the Trade" that can be used on depression as well as suicidal thoughts, so that's been helping.
The addiction one is called Perfect Daughters and is about daughters of alcoholics (I guess it's more about codependency, but ... ). While my dad's not an alcoholic (and I'm having trouble pinpointing exactly what kind of addict he is, except perhaps an Avoidance Addict), the principle's the same, and what I've read so far (not much) works for me.
I wonder sometimes if I should go to Al-Anon meetings. Nick thought I should, when he started going to AA meetings.

Anyway, it's late, and I'm fucking tired and hungry. I need to eat and go to bed.
Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it. It's good to know that I am being heard.

New Year Update

So, Samhain (roughly November 1st, rough Pagan equivalent to Hallowe'en) is generally considered the Pagan's New Year.
I was sort of resisting that, because I wanted everything to be nice and symmetrical: dawn is the beginning of the day (for me), so spring should be the beginning of the year, and east where I start in Circle. And, likewise, if I call Samhain the New Year, that means the beginning of the day has to be somewhere between sunset and midnight (as Samhain is halfway between Autumn Equinox and Winter Solstice, the sunset and midnight of the year), and I'd have to start my Circle in the northwest?
Ah, symmetry.

Anyway, if Samhain does mark the beginning of the year, then this year is known as The Year of Taking Off the Mask.
I had a mask base, that I had made a couple years ago, when I was still part of a group. I had been keeping it for ... something. I didn't know what. For a while, it was significant to me to keep it blank, and leave it on my altar.
But I decided that there were several things I needed to let go of this year. And that group I was a part of was something that needed to be let go of. Which for me meant getting rid of or making new use of the physical pieces I had been holding onto.
So, after some serious thought, and a conversation, I decided that instead of making putting on the mask the significant act, taking the mask off would be the significant act, and the mask was to represent all of me that is unhealthy, that is sick, that is holding me back, that I want to change, and every mean thing anyone has ever said about me. (That I could remember.)
So I wrote all sorts of words on the mask, and it was an extremely powerful ritual. When I wore The Mask, I could feel the weight of all those words, and when I took The Mask off, the relief was intense.

Clearly, this is a thing that evokes change over a longish period of time, which means I need to wear The Mask frequently, so I can perform the significant act of taking it off.
I've tried it once since the fifth, which is actually when I did the ritual, but I was feeling so numb and detached that day that I couldn't feel anything, even The Mask.

Happy New Year.