Singing!

I LOVE singing!
My family didn't end up making it to the Solstice singing, because of the awful weather, but that's okay.
It was amazing, and I wish I had the ability to make a recording of us, and put it on the blog, but alas.
But anyway, I've really missed singing with the choir, so I'll probably join up again after New Year's. People in the Solstice choir kept asking me if I was going to join up again.
But I loved it. It made me so happy to be singing again.
So.

Also, I've added two new goals to my Big Fun Scary Goals, and I made a thingy on the right that lists them all, so I can keep track of them.
The new goals: Project 365, which is take a picture every day for a year. I've started up a new blog just for that (so as not to overrun the personal blog with the project, but I will post some pictures), and I'll put the address in here somewhere as soon as it's viable. Also, start seriously paying off my debts. I wasn't going to make that a goal, but ... it needs to happen. So.
Progress Report: the only thing to report on is that I've written or done writerly things every day since Wednesday, so that's three days in a row. (Yesterday I made a private blog for my writings, so when I'm visiting my family for the holidays I can still write every day, since my laptop's out of commission ... it counts as a writerly thing.)

Anyway, love you all!

What a Day (or Two)

I don't even know where to begin. I've been wanting to write up a post the past couple days, but the computer/internet has been being stupid. My computer says that the network has not assigned my computer an address, and so connection to the internet is sporadic, and my brother insists that it's an "open network", which apparently means that it doesn't matter, but unfortunately, connection to the internet continues to be sporadic.
I'm using my family's computer; my brother and sister are at a concert, so the computer's free.

A few days ago, I was reading a book my sister lent me (A Great and Terrible Beauty, I can't remember the author), and one of the characters engages in self-mutilation. She explained to the main character that she did it because she couldn't feel anything, and she hurt herself basically to see if she *could* feel. Now, I've heard this before (I had a friend a few years back who also (used to) use self-mutilation), but for some reason, it struck me with particular force. Perhaps because recently, it's occurred to me that I also have trouble feeling. I haven't begun to self-mutilate, but that may be that I am in enough pain already (in brief, my spine is crooked, which causes back and neck pain, as well as headaches, my joints are in constant pain, possibly because my thyroid probably doesn't work properly (I haven't seen a doctor yet), and I haven't been able to get new corrective lenses (glasses/contacts), so I'm getting (even more) headaches).
I dunno. I've been reading about the thyroid gland lately (in brief, I've been feeling terrible for a couple years, then found out thyroid troubles run in my family, so started looking into it), and it seems the thyroid is involved with emotions. (And a million other things.)
The song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls came to mind:
You can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
And when everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

The last line. Thyroid does all sorts of things to a person. Makes you irritable, pulls your emotions/mood in all sorts of different directions, makes you depressed, anxious, stressed-out. I feel like everyone who knows me really doesn't. I haven't been fully alive for years. I don't even understand myself. I do things I don't even understand. I don't know why I do them. I get that I'm terrified of intimacy, so I push people away. But I do all sorts of things, and I don't understand my own reasons and motivations.
My life has no meaning, sometimes.

Anyway. I got an email--well, I suppose it was sent a few days ago, but I wasn't able to check my email for a few days. It was from someone I was friendly with. It's happened before, people I thought were friends who actually didn't like me much. She sent me an email basically tearing me apart, telling me everything she doesn't like about me.
Honestly, it stressed me out. I was shaking, I felt anxious, I couldn't cope. I sent a short reply, but not very in-depth. And I tried to be polite.

But anyway, it's late. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.

Tornado Weather

The weather here has been ridiculous. Yesterday there was serious tornado-weather. It didn't, of course, tornado, being in the middle of the mountains, but it was close. and all over the valley (both of them, now), the sky's half bright and clear and sunny, and half dark clouds and rain. It's ridiculous.
Anyway. I'm in my room, on my very own computer, using the internet. Can you tell the months and months of not having internet really sucked for me?
So, I'm really tired. I guess I didn't have much to say, just wanted to log on and say hey.

Have a muffin-licious day, my lovely muffins!