Suddenly depressed.

If I fail to write in my journal, or to update my blog, for a sufficiently long period of time, I start to avoid it, because I feel embarrassed about leaving it alone for so long. Or I feel overwhelmed by all the things I haven't written about, or I just feel like I can't think of anything to say. This, of course, compounds the issue.
Earlier today I decided to write in my blog, but I think trying to figure out how to start pushed me in the direction of being overwhelmed, because I suddenly felt depressed. (That and Dylan calling to say that he was having fun and hanging out with people and eating, so I guess that means I have to figure out dinner by myself, and get to sit here by myself until he gets home. I'm even in a somewhat social mood, having spent an hour or so hanging out with a few pagans--and in conversation with one I'd just met for a good deal of that time. Me being actively social happens so rarely ... )
Anyway, I almost left the blog post alone. We're singing in the morning, and Dylan and I are part of the contingent that will be spending the first part of the morning at San Esteban's, doing some kind of an outreach or interfaith community sort of thing: our church (the UU church) and theirs (an Hispanic Presbyterian church? don't remember) are doing community stuff, and that includes our choirs singing together. Anyway, it's way west and a fair bit south, so we'll have to leave even earlier than we normally would on a Sunday morning, and that have been as good excuse as any to go to bed without writing anything.

Now I'm just not sure what to say. I can think of things, but I'd like to save most of them for their own topics. So I guess I'll sign off, eat some dinner, and sleep. And tomorrow I'll wake up, sing, and probably go straight to work for eight-and-a-half hours. Yay ...
Not for the first time, I wish I had internet access at work.

Summer Solstice

And since I mentioned it in an earlier blog, I'd like to note:
Summer Solstice was wonderful. I went camping with a whole bunch of heathens (that's Celtic/Germanic pagans) and my boyfriend, and it was a good time. There was some form of ritual/worship every day, there was singing (DP and I sang a couple songs ... note to self, find the lyrics to the entirety of 'Blue Boat Home' for next time), and there was general enjoyment of each other's company.
DP and I roasted marshmallows, which fed my soul, because the last time we camped (in March), I failed to remember marshmallows. (Note to self, look for gluten-free graham crackers for s'mores.)
I even wrote a tiny bit--I brought my little computer with me because it has about 7 hours' worth of battery, and I figured it would be useful if I found myself really wanting to write. And I did, a little bit.

Also, since we got back, Steven has given me how-tos for medieval-ish Celtic women's dress, and I'm pretty excited about it. At some point in time, I will go to a fabric store and get some fabric for it, and hopefully have most of an outfit by early August, which is the next Holy Day (Lughnasadh), and the next camping-with-heathens opportunity. (I'll need penannular brooches to hold the thing together, though ... hmmm .... must work on that ... on the other hand, my birthday's in July ... )

Happy Solstice!

Many apologies to any who reads this ... November was, of course, insane, but I didn't expect December to whiz by so quickly. Of course, I did volunteer to help with a few things, but still ...
This will have to be short, as I'm waiting for a ride to the rehearsal for tonight's Solstice Celebration at the UU church.

So, first! Happy Solstice! It's Midwinter! The Long Cold Dark is half over already. Unfortunately, the second half always seems a lot longer and colder, if not exactly darker, than the first half.

Second! I've discovered that I can't eat wheat. /sadface/ It gives me headaches, and probably contributes to my other crap, so ... I'm off wheat. Currently, I'm in the detoxing phase. Once that's through, I can start playing with amounts of wheat, like if trace or incidental amounts of wheat bother me, or if it's just things like bread. We'll see.

I think that's about all for now. I'm sure there's more I could say, but I'll need to be going Real Soon Now, so I'll sign off for now.
Love you all!

Belated Updates

I meant to post something at the end of January, but that was a no-go. Apparently.
So, here we go:
I totally fell down on writing everyday, but I have concluded that it was the fault of Smith's no longer carrying the 3-pound bags of pretzels that I usually buy and then munch on while writing. In order to write, I need to snack; I need to snack a lot, which is why I need a three-pound bag of pretzels ... the wimpy little one-pound bags are completely useless.
So, I'm going to try looking harder (in other stores, etc.) for three-pound bags of pretzels, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, so that I can get back to writing.
And hopefully, if I can start writing again everyday, I'll go back to violining everyday ... I practice the violin everyday that I write. I don't know why.
I DID take pictures nearly every day last month, so that was exciting.
I also learned some fancy knitting: I can now do ribbing, stockinette stitching, and cables! (way cool!) After my bout of baby-knitting is done, I am going to tackle Celtic knotwork ... I'll maybe make some armwarmers, or something easy like that, with some Celtic knotwork all over it.

On something other than the projects front, I went on three dates in January: two first dates and one second date: the first-and-second dates were with the boy mentioned in my last post (who, by the way, Britta, is not the same boy that I told you about before ... ).
But, the other first-date: I went on a second date with him recently, and I think it went well. We'll see how it goes. At the very least, I know for a fact that he has not had any recent break-ups, so there's that.

The major thing that has happened so far in February was my Imbolc ritual: it was very major, and I think directly responsible for the fact that I have no brain right now. My friends/teachers told me that whenever they do major workings like that, and lose their brains, it's because the brain has gone to the Underworld (the subconscious) and is rearranging things there, and when it comes back, it will come back different in some way. (I hope I am saying this in a way that makes sense ... )
Actually, though, the fact that I'm posting alone means that my brain is probably starting to come back. So, hopefully in a few days I'll have 100% brain capacity again ...

And finally, I am getting guinea pigs soon. As soon as my mom figures out a good time to affect the transfer. I'm getting a cage, because my mom bought my sister an easier-to-clean cage (because she's ten), so I get the old cage, which is cool. So all I have to do is buy the water bottle and food dishes and the little stuff. And the renewable stuff (bedding, food, etc.) can mostly be found at Smith's, which is useful for me.

But anyway, I have to head out, pick up my paycheck, and go grocery-and-guinea-pig shopping! Yay!
Love you all!

Winter

It's snowing outside.
The weather lately has been strange. In late October/early November, it felt like September. In late November/early December, it felt like October. First snow of the year was in early-to-mid October, and it was followed by September-like weather.
Far from being excited about the nice weather, I have grown increasingly worried. I looked out at my garden, wondering if it was going to snow soon, so the ground would be ready come spring. (Technically, it's not a garden yet, but I still think of it as my garden.)
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who expressed similar feelings about the weather; she said we were fucking up the earth, and while I don't normally feel like we humans can actually have a lasting effect on the world and the planet (which is not to say we shouldn't take care of it, because it's just lazy to not clean up after yourself), I am starting to wonder.

Today, it started snowing, and instead of feeling disappointed, like, Oh, I hate snow (because I get sick of it, like everyone else), or even saying, Oh, how pretty, my reaction was, Thank the gods. I felt relieved that it had started snowing.
I keep looking out the window, just looking at the snow, glad that it's snowing.

Happy Winter, everyone. Take care of the earth and take care of yourself. I love you all.

Thanks.

My favorite Pagan book of all time (Urban Primitive) gives a spell for letting go of people who have moved on (or anything you might want to get rid of). The spell involves writing down the name of the person or thing to be let go of on a piece of paper, going to a subway station, ripping the paper up, and letting the subway trains take the pieces of paper away as they pass. Something about the undergroundedness, the motion and darkness, makes subways energetically related to the Underworld and the Underworld Deities.
Anyway. The book recommends that you be careful about doing this spell, because if you're not really ready to let go of that person or thing, it can get ripped from you.

My ex-lover was related to something that I was letting go of for my Samhain ritual. I do have to wonder if he was ripped from me as an unintentional byproduct of the letting go of things ritual. Because I was not ready.


I do want to say thanks to everyone who had a kind word to say, or has been thinking good thoughts my way. The depression isn't completely gone (is it ever?), but I'm feeling better.
I got some books from the library. One each on codependency, addiction, depression and suicide, because the title was How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me. And the suicide one, surprisingly enough, has been the most helpful so far. I have had a couple episodes of suicidal thought in my entire life, and the last one was fucking weird, involving completely involuntary flashes of ways I could kill myself, followed by commentary on how it wouldn't work ("No, crashing the car into the car in front of me won't kill me, I'm not going fast enough. I would get injured and go to the hospital, and have to pay the hospital bills and car-wreaking bills without insurance, and Nick (my ex-fiance whose car it was) would be pissed at me!"). And that was several months ago.
Anyway, the suicide book has all sorts of exercises and "Tricks of the Trade" that can be used on depression as well as suicidal thoughts, so that's been helping.
The addiction one is called Perfect Daughters and is about daughters of alcoholics (I guess it's more about codependency, but ... ). While my dad's not an alcoholic (and I'm having trouble pinpointing exactly what kind of addict he is, except perhaps an Avoidance Addict), the principle's the same, and what I've read so far (not much) works for me.
I wonder sometimes if I should go to Al-Anon meetings. Nick thought I should, when he started going to AA meetings.

Anyway, it's late, and I'm fucking tired and hungry. I need to eat and go to bed.
Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it. It's good to know that I am being heard.