News

Alright, here's the exciting news that is going to yet again take precedence over CONduit's Sunday panels:

Dylan and I are getting married in November. I already told Facebook, but I guess you can't put it too many places. We have a website just for the purpose of the wedding, which will probably get its own--very wedding-oriented--blog. I'll let everyone know whenever that's updated, and I'll probably talk about wedding-stuff here, too, just not as densely.

So far, we're still working out some of the major details--like budget, venue and how many guests. And we have five months. I'm starting to stress out a bit, and unfortunately, I keep telling people we're getting married, so I think eloping is out of the picture.

I'm also feeling like I'm not getting very much accomplished. And this, I'm sure, has somewhat to do with the fact that I don't know where I'm getting married yet, but it also has to do with the fact that I'm not really working on a writing project currently--a friend asked what I was writing and I just sat there and went, Ummmmm ....

And I'm not currently sending anything out because I wanted to edit Ogre and A Ghost Story (which I also want to edit) is hanging out at the Writers of the Future Contest. And that's basically all I've got. I have some poems, which also need a stiff edit, but I'm much less practiced at poetry-writing and -editing, so ... my options seem to be to either send out poems and hope to find markets that give critiques or something ... flashquake gives a couple sentences about why they're rejecting, if that's what they're doing... Or I could try to find a poetry-critiquing group, ideally a local one here, rather than online.

There's also the house: the "office" is still full of boxes. We've done some good work on emptying boxes in the kitchen and living room, but the bedroom is also a mess. Blah. And especially since when my sister comes out to Utah for the wedding, she'll be staying us: it'd be nice if the office was cleared at least enough for her to use it to change, if nothing else.

I'm at a coffee shop in 15th&15th, and I have to work later this afternoon, and I have to make a stop at the downtown library before work, so this won't be long.
Today I made the trek to 15th&15th (my new address is 13th and 10th, so this is about as close as 9th&9th, plus it has The King's English, which 9th&9th certainly doesn't have ... ), and I'm pleased with it. There's an Einstein's Bagels, which unfortunately has nothing I can eat, but I have fond memories of Einstein's from my wheat-eating days (DP and I walking to Einstein's between first and second service, because I hadn't gotten any breakfast ... this was before we were dating). There's a couple restaurants, which would be good if DP and I needed an evening out and were capable of thinking of dinner before ten pm. There's the aforementioned King's English, and the Starbuck's I'm at right now ... unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any little local coffee shops in the area. And there's Tony Caputo's market, which is a little expensive, I think, but it's local and good.

I'm feeling depressed, and I might be cramping/nauseated/hungry; I can't tell. I just know that my middle is uncomfortable.
DP and I (with the help of our dear friends) put in some work in the kitchen, going through the dishes we collectively own. We didn't get through the entire thing, but we now have a decent selection of pots&pans and baking dishes, and we don't have a lot of crappy plastic storage containers--we put the crappy/mismatched ones in either the recycling or the donate box; we'll need some more containers, but good quality. We also have a donate box or two that will hang out for a little while just in case we really miss that one pot, or something. We went through the cleaning supplies, and have some things that we're just going to use up and then replace with environmentally friendlier stuff, and we have a box full of toxic waste that we'll get rid of through the toxic-waste-getting-rid-of-place. (I don't remember what it's called, only that it exists.)
We have enough room in our kitchen for two drying racks--there's a washer that we share with the upstairs people, but no dryer. We may buy a dryer at some point to share with the upstairs people, or we may continue using the drying racks. Two drying racks can dry a decent load of laundry, so I'm inclined to keep doing it this way until this way breaks down, for whatever reason.
Hopefully, there will soon be enough room in our kitchen for two drying racks and a kitchen table. Hopefully, we'll get a kitchen table sometime soon.
We also need to clear out the "Attic", which will be the Office as soon as we get enough boxes out to have both our computers in it. DP is inheriting a desk from a friend of ours, so we need enough space in the room for that Real Soon Now. My desk, complete with computer, is already in there, but I had a desk already.
We made soup the other day; a whole lot of it, because DP has a huge soup pot. Most of it went into the freezer, and I'd like to make another batch soon, but I think we'll need more serving-sized plastic containers first.

Anyway, I need to head out, go home to collect the book that is absolutely due today, and head to the library to drop that off and pick up a book that's on hold for me, so I can eat something before I head to work around 4pm.
Oh, I went to a bike shop DP recommended, and bought panniers for my bike, so that I could ride my bike to and from work, and pick up groceries after work and have a way to carry them. I've been riding down the hill to work, and then biking to the train station, taking the train back up the hill, and then biking home from the train station, but Sunday after work I biked up the hill! It actually took less time than the train route (even assuming that I don't wait for the train at all). I'll have to work up to not needing to rest so much--that hill's a bitch--but it was good.
Anyway, time to go. Love you all.

Moving

I'd wanted to post a detailed account of the situation up to now, but ... I just spent two hours playing Age of Empires instead of working on the house stuff. Which, technically, I said I'd start tomorrow, so I sorta have a free day, but there's other things to do besides pack, sooo ...
Anyway, DP and I found a lovely place a few blocks east of 9th & 9th (which is where I work), and we're moving in very soon: DP has to be out of his place by the 22nd. I'm good until the end of the month, but I'll probably still start moving things before then, and possibly start living there when DP does (and then continue to move the non-daily essentials in).
We'll see how it goes.
I'll try to post frequently, if not in-depth-ly, but no guarantees.
NOW! Off to do laundry and gather artesian well-water (don't know if I'll be able to continue to do that once I've moved ... I'll be eight or more blocks away from the well ... /sadface/).
Love you all.

So, where are we going to put the kitchen?

So, when Niel told me we were getting a washer-dryer, in two weeks, a month or so ago, the conversation went like this:
Neil: So, we're getting a washer-dryer.
Me: Yay! Where are we gonna put it?
Neil: Where the fridge is. (Which, my friends, is outside the kitchen, by the back door in a little open space that also houses our recycling.)
Me: Great. Where are we gonna put the fridge?
Neil: In the kitchen.
Me: Where are we gonna put the kitchen?
(Because the kitchen's TINY.)

So, I come home last night from my game, and find the fridge in the kitchen, and the oven pulled out into the middle of the room. No washer-dryer set up yet.
I wake up this morning, and there's still the fridge in the kitchen, and the oven in the middle of the kitchen, and no washer-dryer. Which sucks, because I'm basically out of dry cereal, and I couldn't cook my hot cereal without my stove, and that left me with some weird breakfast bars that didn't really turn out (they still taste fine, but they look weird), and maybe some toast? Oh, and some cherries that had gone a bit off. And no more juice, and no stove to make tea. :(
THEN, the contractors showed up, and I was all excited, and asked them if I was going to get a kitchen again soon, to which they replied, Yes.
Silly me. I somehow assumed that 'soon' meant 'today'. No. When the contractors left, the stove was still in the MIDDLE of the FREAKING kitchen, not plugged in, with a BIG HOLE in the wall leading to where the washer-dryer will be, but still is not ...

Anyway, I moved the oven and plugged it in so I could cook food. Blah. Hopefully this will be done tomorrow, so I can, I dunno, use the kitchen ...

Rejected

Ow.

Today was a day.
First, my roommate tells me I'll have to move out by mid-July--which gives me a good long time to find a new job and a new place to live--I'll need the new job to support the new place to live, because I doubt I'll find another place to live that's as cheap as where I live now--but, still. I understand, he's having financial problems (who isn't?), and wants to rent to someone who will actually pay him money (which I would do if I made enough money to live by, but ... ).
But anyway. It kind of sucked.
So, Universe (and anyone else who reads this), I need a new job. I need to make actual living wages.

Then, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and we talked about how our relationship isn't working out, and he ... he said lots of things, and I don't know if they're true, or if I'm telling myself they aren't true so as to keep up that shield of self-preservation.
I mean, I know I'm self-centered/arrogant. I know that, and I try really hard to counter that by not talking about myself so much, or by asking questions. The asking questions part is really difficult, because I'm introverted by nature, so I have to work hard to realize, Oh, I should ask this question now!
I do try. But the question is, do I try hard enough? He said I wasn't supportive (I thought I was), that I was judgmental (I didn't think so) and that everything was about me. I know at least some of that is his perspective on things, but how much? How do you know what's true?
I'm a firm believer in multiple truths, but I just don't know about this situation: his truth is that I am completely self-centered, arrogant, unsupportive, that I judge him and think he's stupid because he didn't go to college, that I wasn't open enough, etc. My truth is that I was being as supportive as I could, that I was trying very hard to bury my self-centeredness, that I thought he communicated poorly at times (but never that he was stupid!), and that I refrained from talking about myself too much (not being open enough) to try to counter-act my natural self-interest.
Oh, and he also thought I was a slut. Because I was honest with him (I was being open!) in the beginning about the fact that monogamy doesn't come naturally to me, and that I was trying hard to make monogamy work for me. Here's the funny thing: he's the first boyfriend I *haven't* cheated on, or nearly. But he'd also heard (through the grapevine at work) that I'd spent the night at this guy's house (before he and I were dating), and so he "didn't want to believe" that I was sleeping around.

I don't know. Sorry, I just got off the phone with him, and needed to vent.
But anyway, towards the end, he just kept saying that he needed to not be in a relationship, and so it was more a thing about him than that I was this awful, horrible person.
I don't know.

Anyway, all in all, not the best day.

On a slightly better note, the Frenzy has started, and I've written a little over a page of my script.
woot.

Sun Sign: Cancer

I always objected to being a Cancer when I was younger; I hated living in my house, and being around my (huge and chaotic)family all the time, and Cancers are always supposed to be hugely maternal and family-oriented and love staying at home, etc.
As I've gotten older, I've realized, it manifests thusly: I need a haven. My haven is generally my home, especially now that I have at least some control over my home; particularly my bedroom. (I suppose it would be the whole house if I had the whole house to myself--a thing I want very much.) I need a haven. I need a place to go to, to recharge in. If I don't have that, I get really stressed out. This has been a really long week, and not for reasons that most people would understand, either. It's hard to explain to the average Virgo or Sagittarius that I've had a really long week because I haven't been home much, I haven't been able to recharge my batteries much at all this week. It's been awful.
So, today I'm dead. Partly because I spent over 7 hours on my feet, but mostly because I have been away from my haven for way too long.

Anyway, not much else to report, other than that I'm finally home. I've totally fallen down on my goals of writing and practicing violin every day, just because of this week, but I will get back on it. Promise.
And I'm going to veg out and watch old episodes of Bones on Hulu, maybe make some popcorn, and try to get some idea of a picture to take for today ....
Love you all!

Home again.

Just a brief update to say that I'm home again in my own home, and no longer hanging out with my family. I failed to see my aunts and uncle, which is sad, but ...
I've been practicing my violin a little, but I haven't been writing much. Blah.

But anyway ... I downloaded a bunch of rare Emilie Autumn songs from batteredrose.com, and I'm in love.
I love Emilie Autumn.

Also, my little sister's guinea pigs had babies again (probably the first boy baby impregnated his mother, since the father's had his balls cut out), and there's a possibility I might take the new babies. It depends on a couple things, like money and whether or not I can get all the supplies, and stuff, but I really want an animal or two, and cats are right out, as my roommate is allergic. So, I was thinking about rats, but since there are guinea pigs that will need a home soon ... I'm just hoping they're both girls. (They could be both boys, and what I've read so far says that more than two boys tend to be territorial (implying that two boys is fine), but I just remember from my mice days that multiple females was considered preferable than multiple males, because multiple males would fight and be more smelly.)
So, we'll see.

Anyway, like I said, just a quick update. I love you all!

Home

I've been home for all of ten seconds, and already I'm depressed.
I get to sleep on the couch because "I don't know where else to put her" (and I quote). I get to find my own pillows and blankets (and the house is freezing, as always), and there's no blinds on the HUGE window in the family room, so it's a good thing I remembered my eye mask thing. And of course my brother's going to want to watch TV at like 7 in the morning ...

Blah. I'm depressed. If it weren't for the fact that my aunts and uncle were coming in on Saturday, I would absolutely say right now that I'm leaving ASAP, which would be Friday. But they are, so I'm only seriously considering it, instead of deciding.

I'm so fucking tired of this shit.

But I love you all ...

Singing!

I LOVE singing!
My family didn't end up making it to the Solstice singing, because of the awful weather, but that's okay.
It was amazing, and I wish I had the ability to make a recording of us, and put it on the blog, but alas.
But anyway, I've really missed singing with the choir, so I'll probably join up again after New Year's. People in the Solstice choir kept asking me if I was going to join up again.
But I loved it. It made me so happy to be singing again.
So.

Also, I've added two new goals to my Big Fun Scary Goals, and I made a thingy on the right that lists them all, so I can keep track of them.
The new goals: Project 365, which is take a picture every day for a year. I've started up a new blog just for that (so as not to overrun the personal blog with the project, but I will post some pictures), and I'll put the address in here somewhere as soon as it's viable. Also, start seriously paying off my debts. I wasn't going to make that a goal, but ... it needs to happen. So.
Progress Report: the only thing to report on is that I've written or done writerly things every day since Wednesday, so that's three days in a row. (Yesterday I made a private blog for my writings, so when I'm visiting my family for the holidays I can still write every day, since my laptop's out of commission ... it counts as a writerly thing.)

Anyway, love you all!

Snow Feels Like Hope

I'm slightly depressed.
My lover (the relationship that wasn't going anywhere) ended it Friday. I know I was saying that it was an unhealthy relationship and needed to be over and all that, but it really caught me off-guard. We'd been having a good conversation, and I felt really close to him, and suddenly he was talking about ending it, and I was really surprised.
The depression has been pretty decent for my creating, though. Last night I took pictures for the first time in forever (besides taking picture of my hair). So that was good. (Winter Lights on dA)

Friday evening, I got out of his car, crying, and it was raining, like the sky was crying, and I got onto the train and opened my book and didn't look up until I was at my stop. So I was surprised when I got out to find that it was snowing. Big fluffy white flakes drifting softly, and it felt like hope.
So it hasn't stopped snowing for long since then, and while I know I'll get tired of the snow, I can't help but to feel slightly more hopeful every time I see the snow falling.

So, I'm going to try my celibacy thing again. (I never did find a term I was satisfied with.)

Meh. I'm getting more depressed. I also need to read my cards for the day. And then start doing mundane things like eating and showering.

As Cool As I Am

I'm going to be getting insurance really soon. (It should have been set up Friday, but our boss (Tara) called the insurance people, and they didn't answer, and as of when I left work on Friday, they hadn't called back ... Tara was sick Saturday, the Tea Shop is closed Sundays, and I don't work today ... ) Once I get insurance, I'm going to see a doctor.

I'm looking for a new place to live, also roommates. There's two places I kinda want--the first, the girl who lives there sounds pretty kick-ass, and I think we'd get along. The second, I'd have a room and a living room-type of thing to myself, which means, space for writing and ritual. They're both not really in the area I want, but that's okay.

Also, I bought a humidifier, and it has made SUCH a difference! I've been sleeping better since I got it.

It snowed majorly, and my stairs are covered in snow, which sucks. I feel like I'm going to fall and die whenever I go down them ...

Also, I was starting to hate my hair, because I'm not going to shave it again, and it's growing out and in that in-between stage, and I wear a hat all the time at work, which made it worse. I was talking to a friend of mine, who suggested dying an extreme color, "like platinum blond or black", to help me get through the in-between stage. I was like, "Well, I've done black before ... "
So, I bought some bleach, and yesterday:


You look out of the kitchen window and you shake your head and say low,
"If I could believe that stuff, I'd say that woman has a halo,"
And I look out and say, "Yeah, she's really blond."
As Cool As I Am, Dar Williams


I'm listening to Dar Williams. The thing about Dar is, she uses words very differently than most people. It makes her songs seem a little ... weird. I was listening to a mix CD my lover made me a while back, and we were talking, and suddenly I heard the line "You stopped and pointed and you said, "That's a crocus," And I said, "What's a crocus?" and you said, "It's a flower," I tried to remember, but I said, "What's a flower?" You said, "I still love you."
And I said, is that Dar Williams? And he said, very good, how did you know? And I said, because the lyrics almost made sense.
But I've discovered that there's an emotion behind her songs, and if you can connect to that emotion, then the song suddenly makes sense. It happened with February (the flower song), and then with As Cool As I Am on Saturday. So, that makes two of her songs that I actually understand.

Anyway. I hope everyone's having a lovely day.
I love you all!

Thoughts on being sick.

The thing I hate most about being sick is the part where I'm afraid to eat anything afterward, because my stomach still feels pretty delicate, and then my stomach just feels crappy because I'm hungry, but I don't know if I'm hungry or if I'm still sick-ish, or both; and I don't know if eating will make me feel better or if it will make me throw up again.
That's where I'm at right now. And needing to clean off my bed, and really not wanting to. Plus, my room is freezing because I wanted to air it out. So I really don't want to hang out in my room, which sucks, because I hate the feeling I get in the main house, which is feeling like I don't belong, like I don't have a place, because I don't have my own space there.

Anyway. I think I'm going to eat and then come back here with cleaning supplies, because I'd really like to have my room back. Plus, I'm fucking freezing.

Cleaning

Part of my "rent" for living here is to help clean the house on my days off, which right now is Saturday (thank the gods my parents don't think Sunday's a proper day for cleaning).
So, I'm supposed to be downstairs cleaning the bathrooms and vaccuuming and Persephone-knows-what-else.
I don't think I'd mind as much if my room were finished. But it's not. There's still boxes all over my room (as opposed to in a neat pile in the middle of my room, because I set up my altar yesterday). And I really would like to get my room looking decent this weekend, because Monday, I'm starting all over with the most exhausting week ever. I'm just really tired.
Blah.
Anyway, I should get to work. Woo-hoo.

Moved In

So, I've moved. I'm in Highland, UT, which is 40 minutes by car from my work and most of my friends (maybe 30 minutes from some of my other friends) . . . and I don't have a car. And the bus doesn't come this far south.
*sigh*
It's alright. I'm living in the "playhouse" -- the original owner built a two-story two-room building, detached from the house. The bottom part is storage. The top part is the "playhouse", where the original owner kept and played his instruments . . . I don't know what they were, but apparently, he was a musician.
It's filled with boxes and shit for now, but I'll unpack soon enough.
And as soon as I'm finished eating, I'll borrow my dad's laptop (which I am using right now) to see if I get a signal out there. It'd be awesome if I did . . .

Oh, I also got the idea to create a webcomic.
Plus: I love writing/stories. I love creating characters. I like and am decent at drawing/visual art. I've been thinking about comics/graphic novels/fan fiction/etc. for a while now.
Minus: I don't know that I could update every other day or every week or anything like that. I've not only thought about it for a while, I tried it. I started a website for fan fiction for my favorite TV show ever (when I was younger). (Okay, it was Sliders . . . ) I got three episodes written out. And then I dropped it. I still have all the notes from the fan fiction. I still have the stories. I unpublished the site because I wasn't updating. (But I still have all the information for it.)
So, I dunno. I'll keep thinking about it/working on characters and world and story, and maybe even working on character sketches . . .

So, anyway, soup's done, so I'm gonna go to my room and see if I have internet. I'll let you know if it works . . .
love, hugs and bloody muffins,
the wretched whore