Suddenly depressed.

If I fail to write in my journal, or to update my blog, for a sufficiently long period of time, I start to avoid it, because I feel embarrassed about leaving it alone for so long. Or I feel overwhelmed by all the things I haven't written about, or I just feel like I can't think of anything to say. This, of course, compounds the issue.
Earlier today I decided to write in my blog, but I think trying to figure out how to start pushed me in the direction of being overwhelmed, because I suddenly felt depressed. (That and Dylan calling to say that he was having fun and hanging out with people and eating, so I guess that means I have to figure out dinner by myself, and get to sit here by myself until he gets home. I'm even in a somewhat social mood, having spent an hour or so hanging out with a few pagans--and in conversation with one I'd just met for a good deal of that time. Me being actively social happens so rarely ... )
Anyway, I almost left the blog post alone. We're singing in the morning, and Dylan and I are part of the contingent that will be spending the first part of the morning at San Esteban's, doing some kind of an outreach or interfaith community sort of thing: our church (the UU church) and theirs (an Hispanic Presbyterian church? don't remember) are doing community stuff, and that includes our choirs singing together. Anyway, it's way west and a fair bit south, so we'll have to leave even earlier than we normally would on a Sunday morning, and that have been as good excuse as any to go to bed without writing anything.

Now I'm just not sure what to say. I can think of things, but I'd like to save most of them for their own topics. So I guess I'll sign off, eat some dinner, and sleep. And tomorrow I'll wake up, sing, and probably go straight to work for eight-and-a-half hours. Yay ...
Not for the first time, I wish I had internet access at work.

Long Day

Today is NOT the day for covering the Sunday panels. I'll do it soon--before I forget, but today ...
I woke at 4:30am to get to work at 6am, worked until about 12:20 or so, because my replacement was late, then left work and had conversation and planning with H&B and Dylan at Barbacoa. Then we took him back to work and ran some errands. Then, they took me home.
I changed into a corset/bloomers/etc., and got picked up by some friends of mine, who showed up a bit early for an EA meetup--we bummed around Petsmart, looking sadly at the cats none of us were going to bring home. Finally, there was ice cream, and socializing, and general merriment.

But now I am so tired that I cannot write an entire sentence without falling asleep (and possible continuing to type, but without my conscious mind), or bad misspellings, or quantum leaps that mean nothing.
So it's time for sleep.

New developments

Um, I guess.
Some things are working out, some, not so much. My glasses are finally being shipped out. They may appear today, when the shipment arrives; possibly tomorrow. I just want them before the weekend: UU choir is doing two Requiem performances, one on Saturday at 4522 S 1300 E (it's a retirement home, but I don't remember what it's called) at 3pm, and one on Sunday at the First Unitarian Church (600 S 1300 E) at 9am and 11am.
Feel free to come.
And then I'm seeing a play (Persian Quarter at SLAC) with DP and our friends H&B. So I really want my eyes to not hurt for all that ...

Anyway, I've also started taking an SSRI, with mixed results: side effects I've noticed include yawning and nausea. The pharmacist told me I might get headaches while the serotonin levels were building up, so I don't know if my frequent/constant headaches currently are due to that or the eye strain, or the volume of my audiobooks, which doesn't seem to be louder than the music, but I seem to miss more sounds while "reading" ... Also, the constant fatigue may or may not be due to the SSRI, rather than being the same constant fatigue I've been feeling for years ...

On another note: my tattoo appointment fell through. Etc. I've talked about this on Facebook, so I'll probably skip the boring details, plus I'm depressed, which makes me less eager to share things with the internet ... (I've only been taking the SSRI for one week, and the pharmacist told me it would take up t three weeks for the "optimal" levels of serotonin to build up ... so I'm still depressed.)

I haven't been writing. I've been sleeping and "reading" and watching House.

Temp jobs etc.

Okay, I'm going to try to update more regularly, especially since I seem to be in a spate of temp jobs, which means I'm sitting in front of the computer all day.
(By the way, Dad: remember that one temp job I got packing small electronic items? You said that I should be using my brain and not my body, and how I was so much more qualified and should be doing something like receptionist, or even better? Well, I was never once bored at that other job, I got to use the OCD part of my brain, and that in itself felt fulfilling in a way I've never had before. These jobs? Phones, receptionist? I am So Bored. Not fulfilled in any way. I would trade.)

Anyway, it's not so bad. Today's the first day at this place, and let me tell you, first-day jitters every time you switch an assignment. Blech. But anyway, I'm not too bored yet. It was just the last day or two at the last place really killed me. And once I get settled in here, and understand the place, it should be less stressful.
It should be a week at this place, so we'll see how it goes.

In other news: complete and total lack of energy is sapping up everything I'm trying to do. And maybe that's all it was with the last temp job: I just had no energy to exert to that job, especially when I had so many other things going on.
So, it's being a struggle to write, get up in the morning, etc. We'll see how it goes. I really need a doctor.
Also, my relationship is going well. We had a weekend in which there was no arguments, no miscommunications, nothing. (This is major.) It was good.
Despite what I just said, things with Jamie are going well. We argue and have miscommunications, but we always work it out.
I can't really think of anything at the moment. It's a shame that my temp-job environments have been, so far, pretty deadening. I can't write. I'm planning on emailing to myself copies of my stories (tried to this morning, but Gmail was being a bitch, and I had to Get To Work), and then I can maybe work on them in small batches, but I really feel brain-dead. Maybe it's the feng shui. Maybe I can do something to help it.
I'm in pain. It's worse right now.

Midwinter

Happy Solstice everyone! Yay!

I just wish I'd gotten more sleep last night, and/or that I'd actually DONE something for Solstice.
I've got gaming today, which I will head to shortly, so I can't actually do much today, although I did do my full daily reading of cards (I have three different decks I do stuff with, and on good days, I draw one card from each). Ideally, I'd like to do a full (multi-card) reading with my Tarot deck, but alas. I have not the time. Maybe I can do it tonight, or tomorrow morning.
Anyway. I'll figure something out.

In other news: things are getting increasingly ... interesting, in the relationship arena for me, mostly because I have no clue what the hells I want. (I admit, it doesn't help that most of the people I get involved with don't seem to know what they want, either ... )
I'm still "pining over" someone who's clearly not that into me, and I'm getting tangled up in something that is best described as 'complicated'.
What I want is to not continue making the same choices over again. That's all I want. Gods, why is it so hard?

I'm probably not going to be writing today, because I went to bed around 2:30am, and got up around 8:30 because I absolutely had to, and I have to leave soon to go to game.
However, it counts if I do "writerly stuff", so I'll try to do something along those lines on the bus today ... maybe I'll work out a plot-like thing while sewing the buttonhole stitches on my sister's corset.
I'll have to take pictures of it once I'm done. (Note to self: bring camera and cord to family's house for Christmas ... )

Alright, I gotta go. I love you all!!!
Have a wonderful Midwinter!

Snow Feels Like Hope

I'm slightly depressed.
My lover (the relationship that wasn't going anywhere) ended it Friday. I know I was saying that it was an unhealthy relationship and needed to be over and all that, but it really caught me off-guard. We'd been having a good conversation, and I felt really close to him, and suddenly he was talking about ending it, and I was really surprised.
The depression has been pretty decent for my creating, though. Last night I took pictures for the first time in forever (besides taking picture of my hair). So that was good. (Winter Lights on dA)

Friday evening, I got out of his car, crying, and it was raining, like the sky was crying, and I got onto the train and opened my book and didn't look up until I was at my stop. So I was surprised when I got out to find that it was snowing. Big fluffy white flakes drifting softly, and it felt like hope.
So it hasn't stopped snowing for long since then, and while I know I'll get tired of the snow, I can't help but to feel slightly more hopeful every time I see the snow falling.

So, I'm going to try my celibacy thing again. (I never did find a term I was satisfied with.)

Meh. I'm getting more depressed. I also need to read my cards for the day. And then start doing mundane things like eating and showering.

Cleaning

Part of my "rent" for living here is to help clean the house on my days off, which right now is Saturday (thank the gods my parents don't think Sunday's a proper day for cleaning).
So, I'm supposed to be downstairs cleaning the bathrooms and vaccuuming and Persephone-knows-what-else.
I don't think I'd mind as much if my room were finished. But it's not. There's still boxes all over my room (as opposed to in a neat pile in the middle of my room, because I set up my altar yesterday). And I really would like to get my room looking decent this weekend, because Monday, I'm starting all over with the most exhausting week ever. I'm just really tired.
Blah.
Anyway, I should get to work. Woo-hoo.