After two days of doing what I could to not leave a footprint visible--no trail, stepping on sidewalk where I could, or the softest, slushiest snow when sidewalk wasn't available because it would melt the fastest, or the hardest, most packed-in snow because it wouldn't leave as clear an impression, and trying not to walk on dry patches of sidewalk, because that would leave wet footprints--having some sense of being tracked, or trackable, and making up stories about urban trackers--after two days of this, walking home just now, I walked in the snow without care, and watched the ground, looking for my footprints, and even stepped in clean, clear snow deliberately for an impression, so I could see what my tracks looked like. And I was pleased when I did find the tracks I had made earlier that day, pleased to know--that I had made some change in the world? That I was not completely untraceable? Not sure, but something like that.
I've had a couple of wonderful days, starting with seeing the movie Avatar on Wednesday night because choir didn't meet this week, continuing through to a really good New Year's party with the writing group Callihoo, and ... I don't know when it ends. Maybe when I have to go back to work tomorrow.
Avatar is an excellent movie, I really recommend it.
The New Year's party was lots of fun; we played writing games, and wrote some awesome, though insane, stories. (Write two sentences, fold the paper over so only one is showing, pass it. You will be passed a piece of paper folded over so only one sentence shows. Write two more sentences, and fold it over so only one is showing. Pass it. Continue until you reach the bottom of the page.) We had enough people that we ended up reading a story that we did not contribute to at all. That was really cool.
Yesterday, I spent almost the entire day with a boy I have been seeing. I accomplished laundry while he went out to get caffeine and some journal-time, and then we made dinner. I may see him later today.
Life is good; I am happy.
Showing posts with label ritual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ritual. Show all posts
02 January 2010
21 December 2009
Happy Solstice!
Many apologies to any who reads this ... November was, of course, insane, but I didn't expect December to whiz by so quickly. Of course, I did volunteer to help with a few things, but still ...
This will have to be short, as I'm waiting for a ride to the rehearsal for tonight's Solstice Celebration at the UU church.
So, first! Happy Solstice! It's Midwinter! The Long Cold Dark is half over already. Unfortunately, the second half always seems a lot longer and colder, if not exactly darker, than the first half.
Second! I've discovered that I can't eat wheat. /sadface/ It gives me headaches, and probably contributes to my other crap, so ... I'm off wheat. Currently, I'm in the detoxing phase. Once that's through, I can start playing with amounts of wheat, like if trace or incidental amounts of wheat bother me, or if it's just things like bread. We'll see.
I think that's about all for now. I'm sure there's more I could say, but I'll need to be going Real Soon Now, so I'll sign off for now.
Love you all!
This will have to be short, as I'm waiting for a ride to the rehearsal for tonight's Solstice Celebration at the UU church.
So, first! Happy Solstice! It's Midwinter! The Long Cold Dark is half over already. Unfortunately, the second half always seems a lot longer and colder, if not exactly darker, than the first half.
Second! I've discovered that I can't eat wheat. /sadface/ It gives me headaches, and probably contributes to my other crap, so ... I'm off wheat. Currently, I'm in the detoxing phase. Once that's through, I can start playing with amounts of wheat, like if trace or incidental amounts of wheat bother me, or if it's just things like bread. We'll see.
I think that's about all for now. I'm sure there's more I could say, but I'll need to be going Real Soon Now, so I'll sign off for now.
Love you all!
07 November 2009
November is Here!
Holy Rusted Metal, Batman!
The first week of November is drawing to a close, and my, has it been nuts!
Hallowe'en was a GOOD day, filled with sewing and friends and feasting and serious emotion. THEN, instead of writing frantically on November 1st, or even going to game, as it was a Sunday, I spent The Entire Day sewing, because I had a concert to go to. And not just any concert: Emilie Autumn was in town, boys and girls.
It was amazing. I made a corset, bloomers, etc. I bought boots that kick ass. (I have pictures of all of this, but alas, my computer refuses to recognize my camera, and thus will not upload the pictures yet.) The show itself was an insane steampunk Victorian burlesque nightmare, with stiltwalker, fire-eating, flaming hula hoops and lots of blood. Also, I met EA before and after the show; just for a minute before the show, as Emilie Autumn was leaving her tour bus to go into the venue. She greeted each of us, and hugged us and gave us each a kiss, and she is just adorable. After the show was an exclusive reading (of her book about bipolar disorder and institutionalization, both modern and Victorian), as well as an opportunity to get a picture with her and get something signed. I gave her a rat that I had knitted, and I got hugs from EA, Naughty Veronica and Captain Maggots (both members of the Bloody Crumpets, her backup singers/dancers). It was all just delightfully wonderful.
I spent the next several days recovering.
Today I finally sat down and did some serious work on my National Novel Writing Month novel. I have written 3000 words in total so far; if I had been writing 1667 every day like I was supposed to, I'd have about 10,000 so far. Alas. But I plan on writing like a mad girl to catch up.
I was unfortunately unable to watch V for Vendetta yesterday (I was still recovering) like I wanted, but I watched it today, and it was delightful as always.
It also made me think of the time a few years ago when I shaved my hair. I've been thinking I should do that again. There are multiple reasons; the one I usually share is the one to do with the stereotypical view of feminine beauty, and how it usually involves long hair (speaking of, I can put my hair in a ponytail now!), and the fact that my hair doesn't look very good long, at least in my opinion. I did want to prove to myself that I could be beautiful without long hair.
But for Samhain (which aside from the feasting I completely forgot about), I have a tradition of drawing a card which informs my magickal/personal processes for the coming year. This year I wanted to just choose the card, because I want the Tower. There are reasons, and if you want to know, ask, and we can discuss it.
But I think that shaving my hair--a symbolic beheading--is appropriate magickal work for the Tower. So we'll see. I'd prefer to borrow a beard-trimmer to do the work: anyone who reads this have one I could borrow?
Anyway, I believe this is an adequate telling of recent events, and I have to work at 6am tomorrow. So, love you all, talk to you later.
The first week of November is drawing to a close, and my, has it been nuts!
Hallowe'en was a GOOD day, filled with sewing and friends and feasting and serious emotion. THEN, instead of writing frantically on November 1st, or even going to game, as it was a Sunday, I spent The Entire Day sewing, because I had a concert to go to. And not just any concert: Emilie Autumn was in town, boys and girls.
It was amazing. I made a corset, bloomers, etc. I bought boots that kick ass. (I have pictures of all of this, but alas, my computer refuses to recognize my camera, and thus will not upload the pictures yet.) The show itself was an insane steampunk Victorian burlesque nightmare, with stiltwalker, fire-eating, flaming hula hoops and lots of blood. Also, I met EA before and after the show; just for a minute before the show, as Emilie Autumn was leaving her tour bus to go into the venue. She greeted each of us, and hugged us and gave us each a kiss, and she is just adorable. After the show was an exclusive reading (of her book about bipolar disorder and institutionalization, both modern and Victorian), as well as an opportunity to get a picture with her and get something signed. I gave her a rat that I had knitted, and I got hugs from EA, Naughty Veronica and Captain Maggots (both members of the Bloody Crumpets, her backup singers/dancers). It was all just delightfully wonderful.
I spent the next several days recovering.
Today I finally sat down and did some serious work on my National Novel Writing Month novel. I have written 3000 words in total so far; if I had been writing 1667 every day like I was supposed to, I'd have about 10,000 so far. Alas. But I plan on writing like a mad girl to catch up.
I was unfortunately unable to watch V for Vendetta yesterday (I was still recovering) like I wanted, but I watched it today, and it was delightful as always.
It also made me think of the time a few years ago when I shaved my hair. I've been thinking I should do that again. There are multiple reasons; the one I usually share is the one to do with the stereotypical view of feminine beauty, and how it usually involves long hair (speaking of, I can put my hair in a ponytail now!), and the fact that my hair doesn't look very good long, at least in my opinion. I did want to prove to myself that I could be beautiful without long hair.
But for Samhain (which aside from the feasting I completely forgot about), I have a tradition of drawing a card which informs my magickal/personal processes for the coming year. This year I wanted to just choose the card, because I want the Tower. There are reasons, and if you want to know, ask, and we can discuss it.
But I think that shaving my hair--a symbolic beheading--is appropriate magickal work for the Tower. So we'll see. I'd prefer to borrow a beard-trimmer to do the work: anyone who reads this have one I could borrow?
Anyway, I believe this is an adequate telling of recent events, and I have to work at 6am tomorrow. So, love you all, talk to you later.
06 February 2009
Belated Updates
I meant to post something at the end of January, but that was a no-go. Apparently.
So, here we go:
I totally fell down on writing everyday, but I have concluded that it was the fault of Smith's no longer carrying the 3-pound bags of pretzels that I usually buy and then munch on while writing. In order to write, I need to snack; I need to snack a lot, which is why I need a three-pound bag of pretzels ... the wimpy little one-pound bags are completely useless.
So, I'm going to try looking harder (in other stores, etc.) for three-pound bags of pretzels, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, so that I can get back to writing.
And hopefully, if I can start writing again everyday, I'll go back to violining everyday ... I practice the violin everyday that I write. I don't know why.
I DID take pictures nearly every day last month, so that was exciting.
I also learned some fancy knitting: I can now do ribbing, stockinette stitching, and cables! (way cool!) After my bout of baby-knitting is done, I am going to tackle Celtic knotwork ... I'll maybe make some armwarmers, or something easy like that, with some Celtic knotwork all over it.
On something other than the projects front, I went on three dates in January: two first dates and one second date: the first-and-second dates were with the boy mentioned in my last post (who, by the way, Britta, is not the same boy that I told you about before ... ).
But, the other first-date: I went on a second date with him recently, and I think it went well. We'll see how it goes. At the very least, I know for a fact that he has not had any recent break-ups, so there's that.
The major thing that has happened so far in February was my Imbolc ritual: it was very major, and I think directly responsible for the fact that I have no brain right now. My friends/teachers told me that whenever they do major workings like that, and lose their brains, it's because the brain has gone to the Underworld (the subconscious) and is rearranging things there, and when it comes back, it will come back different in some way. (I hope I am saying this in a way that makes sense ... )
Actually, though, the fact that I'm posting alone means that my brain is probably starting to come back. So, hopefully in a few days I'll have 100% brain capacity again ...
And finally, I am getting guinea pigs soon. As soon as my mom figures out a good time to affect the transfer. I'm getting a cage, because my mom bought my sister an easier-to-clean cage (because she's ten), so I get the old cage, which is cool. So all I have to do is buy the water bottle and food dishes and the little stuff. And the renewable stuff (bedding, food, etc.) can mostly be found at Smith's, which is useful for me.
But anyway, I have to head out, pick up my paycheck, and go grocery-and-guinea-pig shopping! Yay!
Love you all!
So, here we go:
I totally fell down on writing everyday, but I have concluded that it was the fault of Smith's no longer carrying the 3-pound bags of pretzels that I usually buy and then munch on while writing. In order to write, I need to snack; I need to snack a lot, which is why I need a three-pound bag of pretzels ... the wimpy little one-pound bags are completely useless.
So, I'm going to try looking harder (in other stores, etc.) for three-pound bags of pretzels, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, so that I can get back to writing.
And hopefully, if I can start writing again everyday, I'll go back to violining everyday ... I practice the violin everyday that I write. I don't know why.
I DID take pictures nearly every day last month, so that was exciting.
I also learned some fancy knitting: I can now do ribbing, stockinette stitching, and cables! (way cool!) After my bout of baby-knitting is done, I am going to tackle Celtic knotwork ... I'll maybe make some armwarmers, or something easy like that, with some Celtic knotwork all over it.
On something other than the projects front, I went on three dates in January: two first dates and one second date: the first-and-second dates were with the boy mentioned in my last post (who, by the way, Britta, is not the same boy that I told you about before ... ).
But, the other first-date: I went on a second date with him recently, and I think it went well. We'll see how it goes. At the very least, I know for a fact that he has not had any recent break-ups, so there's that.
The major thing that has happened so far in February was my Imbolc ritual: it was very major, and I think directly responsible for the fact that I have no brain right now. My friends/teachers told me that whenever they do major workings like that, and lose their brains, it's because the brain has gone to the Underworld (the subconscious) and is rearranging things there, and when it comes back, it will come back different in some way. (I hope I am saying this in a way that makes sense ... )
Actually, though, the fact that I'm posting alone means that my brain is probably starting to come back. So, hopefully in a few days I'll have 100% brain capacity again ...
And finally, I am getting guinea pigs soon. As soon as my mom figures out a good time to affect the transfer. I'm getting a cage, because my mom bought my sister an easier-to-clean cage (because she's ten), so I get the old cage, which is cool. So all I have to do is buy the water bottle and food dishes and the little stuff. And the renewable stuff (bedding, food, etc.) can mostly be found at Smith's, which is useful for me.
But anyway, I have to head out, pick up my paycheck, and go grocery-and-guinea-pig shopping! Yay!
Love you all!
16 December 2007
Thanks.
My favorite Pagan book of all time (Urban Primitive) gives a spell for letting go of people who have moved on (or anything you might want to get rid of). The spell involves writing down the name of the person or thing to be let go of on a piece of paper, going to a subway station, ripping the paper up, and letting the subway trains take the pieces of paper away as they pass. Something about the undergroundedness, the motion and darkness, makes subways energetically related to the Underworld and the Underworld Deities.
Anyway. The book recommends that you be careful about doing this spell, because if you're not really ready to let go of that person or thing, it can get ripped from you.
My ex-lover was related to something that I was letting go of for my Samhain ritual. I do have to wonder if he was ripped from me as an unintentional byproduct of the letting go of things ritual. Because I was not ready.
I do want to say thanks to everyone who had a kind word to say, or has been thinking good thoughts my way. The depression isn't completely gone (is it ever?), but I'm feeling better.
I got some books from the library. One each on codependency, addiction, depression and suicide, because the title was How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me. And the suicide one, surprisingly enough, has been the most helpful so far. I have had a couple episodes of suicidal thought in my entire life, and the last one was fucking weird, involving completely involuntary flashes of ways I could kill myself, followed by commentary on how it wouldn't work ("No, crashing the car into the car in front of me won't kill me, I'm not going fast enough. I would get injured and go to the hospital, and have to pay the hospital bills and car-wreaking bills without insurance, and Nick (my ex-fiance whose car it was) would be pissed at me!"). And that was several months ago.
Anyway, the suicide book has all sorts of exercises and "Tricks of the Trade" that can be used on depression as well as suicidal thoughts, so that's been helping.
The addiction one is called Perfect Daughters and is about daughters of alcoholics (I guess it's more about codependency, but ... ). While my dad's not an alcoholic (and I'm having trouble pinpointing exactly what kind of addict he is, except perhaps an Avoidance Addict), the principle's the same, and what I've read so far (not much) works for me.
I wonder sometimes if I should go to Al-Anon meetings. Nick thought I should, when he started going to AA meetings.
Anyway, it's late, and I'm fucking tired and hungry. I need to eat and go to bed.
Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it. It's good to know that I am being heard.
Anyway. The book recommends that you be careful about doing this spell, because if you're not really ready to let go of that person or thing, it can get ripped from you.
My ex-lover was related to something that I was letting go of for my Samhain ritual. I do have to wonder if he was ripped from me as an unintentional byproduct of the letting go of things ritual. Because I was not ready.
I do want to say thanks to everyone who had a kind word to say, or has been thinking good thoughts my way. The depression isn't completely gone (is it ever?), but I'm feeling better.
I got some books from the library. One each on codependency, addiction, depression and suicide, because the title was How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me. And the suicide one, surprisingly enough, has been the most helpful so far. I have had a couple episodes of suicidal thought in my entire life, and the last one was fucking weird, involving completely involuntary flashes of ways I could kill myself, followed by commentary on how it wouldn't work ("No, crashing the car into the car in front of me won't kill me, I'm not going fast enough. I would get injured and go to the hospital, and have to pay the hospital bills and car-wreaking bills without insurance, and Nick (my ex-fiance whose car it was) would be pissed at me!"). And that was several months ago.
Anyway, the suicide book has all sorts of exercises and "Tricks of the Trade" that can be used on depression as well as suicidal thoughts, so that's been helping.
The addiction one is called Perfect Daughters and is about daughters of alcoholics (I guess it's more about codependency, but ... ). While my dad's not an alcoholic (and I'm having trouble pinpointing exactly what kind of addict he is, except perhaps an Avoidance Addict), the principle's the same, and what I've read so far (not much) works for me.
I wonder sometimes if I should go to Al-Anon meetings. Nick thought I should, when he started going to AA meetings.
Anyway, it's late, and I'm fucking tired and hungry. I need to eat and go to bed.
Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it. It's good to know that I am being heard.
15 November 2007
New Year Update
So, Samhain (roughly November 1st, rough Pagan equivalent to Hallowe'en) is generally considered the Pagan's New Year.
I was sort of resisting that, because I wanted everything to be nice and symmetrical: dawn is the beginning of the day (for me), so spring should be the beginning of the year, and east where I start in Circle. And, likewise, if I call Samhain the New Year, that means the beginning of the day has to be somewhere between sunset and midnight (as Samhain is halfway between Autumn Equinox and Winter Solstice, the sunset and midnight of the year), and I'd have to start my Circle in the northwest?
Ah, symmetry.
Anyway, if Samhain does mark the beginning of the year, then this year is known as The Year of Taking Off the Mask.
I had a mask base, that I had made a couple years ago, when I was still part of a group. I had been keeping it for ... something. I didn't know what. For a while, it was significant to me to keep it blank, and leave it on my altar.
But I decided that there were several things I needed to let go of this year. And that group I was a part of was something that needed to be let go of. Which for me meant getting rid of or making new use of the physical pieces I had been holding onto.
So, after some serious thought, and a conversation, I decided that instead of making putting on the mask the significant act, taking the mask off would be the significant act, and the mask was to represent all of me that is unhealthy, that is sick, that is holding me back, that I want to change, and every mean thing anyone has ever said about me. (That I could remember.)
So I wrote all sorts of words on the mask, and it was an extremely powerful ritual. When I wore The Mask, I could feel the weight of all those words, and when I took The Mask off, the relief was intense.
Clearly, this is a thing that evokes change over a longish period of time, which means I need to wear The Mask frequently, so I can perform the significant act of taking it off.
I've tried it once since the fifth, which is actually when I did the ritual, but I was feeling so numb and detached that day that I couldn't feel anything, even The Mask.
Happy New Year.
I was sort of resisting that, because I wanted everything to be nice and symmetrical: dawn is the beginning of the day (for me), so spring should be the beginning of the year, and east where I start in Circle. And, likewise, if I call Samhain the New Year, that means the beginning of the day has to be somewhere between sunset and midnight (as Samhain is halfway between Autumn Equinox and Winter Solstice, the sunset and midnight of the year), and I'd have to start my Circle in the northwest?
Ah, symmetry.
Anyway, if Samhain does mark the beginning of the year, then this year is known as The Year of Taking Off the Mask.
I had a mask base, that I had made a couple years ago, when I was still part of a group. I had been keeping it for ... something. I didn't know what. For a while, it was significant to me to keep it blank, and leave it on my altar.
But I decided that there were several things I needed to let go of this year. And that group I was a part of was something that needed to be let go of. Which for me meant getting rid of or making new use of the physical pieces I had been holding onto.
So, after some serious thought, and a conversation, I decided that instead of making putting on the mask the significant act, taking the mask off would be the significant act, and the mask was to represent all of me that is unhealthy, that is sick, that is holding me back, that I want to change, and every mean thing anyone has ever said about me. (That I could remember.)
So I wrote all sorts of words on the mask, and it was an extremely powerful ritual. When I wore The Mask, I could feel the weight of all those words, and when I took The Mask off, the relief was intense.
Clearly, this is a thing that evokes change over a longish period of time, which means I need to wear The Mask frequently, so I can perform the significant act of taking it off.
I've tried it once since the fifth, which is actually when I did the ritual, but I was feeling so numb and detached that day that I couldn't feel anything, even The Mask.
Happy New Year.
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