Emilie Autumn

All right, it's official: I'm taking a break from the writing/publishing madness I've been working on since finishing Autumn Eddy, until Saturday. Why?
Emilie Autumn.

If you don't know who she is, and you live in or near Utah, be at the Complex (in SL,UT) on Friday night at seven o'clock. It's required--the Victoriandustrial Gwar-esque concert will leave you begging for mercy. There will be blood. There will be glitter. You will get tea spat at you (or possibly Tang-infused vodka). And there will be mind-blowing violin solos. 

Anyway, the arrival of an Emilie Autumn concert always means a bout of sewing, and I've been trying to balance that and the writing, and I've been failing miserably. So I'm just going to take a break. I'll start writing again on Saturday.

Love you all. See you Friday.

Long Day

Today is NOT the day for covering the Sunday panels. I'll do it soon--before I forget, but today ...
I woke at 4:30am to get to work at 6am, worked until about 12:20 or so, because my replacement was late, then left work and had conversation and planning with H&B and Dylan at Barbacoa. Then we took him back to work and ran some errands. Then, they took me home.
I changed into a corset/bloomers/etc., and got picked up by some friends of mine, who showed up a bit early for an EA meetup--we bummed around Petsmart, looking sadly at the cats none of us were going to bring home. Finally, there was ice cream, and socializing, and general merriment.

But now I am so tired that I cannot write an entire sentence without falling asleep (and possible continuing to type, but without my conscious mind), or bad misspellings, or quantum leaps that mean nothing.
So it's time for sleep.

Update

So, lots of stuff has happened since my last post ... hmmm, I don't update very often, do I?
It seems I am out of my seriously crazy time, so this is going to be the only mention of mental health I plan on making. Just that I went through a period where I felt fucking crazy, and I seem to be out of it. (Again, many thanks to my very good friends Holly, Beverly & Dylan: you three especially helped immensely.)

So, things that have happened ... (some things might be repeated because I don't remember what I've written here or not)
Emilie Autumn will be in town Nov 2nd!!!! I am currently trying to make a costume for it, but I've left it a little late. (!) So we'll see how that goes. I will post pictures when I have everything.
I've met some other Muffins (as we call ourselves; EA fans), and had delightful tea parties with them, and there are two boys in particular that I am fond of, so hopefully we'll have more tea parties after EA's show.
I broke up with my boyfriend because of severe depression and craziness, which has since lifted a lot. I'm currently trying to feel my way around what to do now. It occurs to me that I need to figure out who I am and what I want, in the vacuum of no one else's opinions/desires/needs. Since nature abhors a vacuum, I may not be able to do it, but without a boyfriend or girlfriend, there are few people who impinge their opinions/desires/needs upon the wet clay that is who I am and what I want very strongly.
I had been leaning very strongly to not wanting to date (and certainly not getting into any serious relationships right away), but something (very) unexpected happened, and I went on a date yesterday. It was lovely.
Also, I have started running a roleplaying game, Changeling the Lost, by White Wolf. It's fun and creepy, and I enjoy it immensely so far. I also really like my group. They're good.
And finally (I think this is finally), I've been commissioned to knit a pair of wristwarmers for someone. I hope to finish them tomorrow, so I can call her, and say, They're done! I finished the first one, and started the second tonight.
Oh! and speaking of knitting--I was running some errands today. I've been saying for a while that, "When I learn to do fancy stuff, I'll know how to knit," and when I learned some fancy stuff, I said, "When I've done something big--like a sweater--then I'll know how to knit." Well, I was not only knitting, but cabling, while walking, earlier today. So I think I know how to knit. I think I can officially say that.

I think that's about all. Love you all so much. I'll try to update more often.

Still Manic.

Manic=cussing people out in my head while laughing at myself for doing so/cracking myself up for how cleverly I'm cussing people out in my head.
Manic=not pausing when I speak, bouncing around topics so fast we get conversational whiplash, and laughing a lot.
Manic+Sick=laying in bed staring at the ceiling because Sick is telling me I need to sleep and Manic won't shut up about EVERYTHING.

This was my day.

Also, all I had to eat until about 7:30 was two pieces of toast, a glass of juice, and gallons of feel-better tea. Plus some water. I think Manic gives me a decreased need to eat, as well as sleep.

In closing:

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva,
The mountains can cover the shape of his nose.
He wants to die where nobody can see him,
But the beauty of his death will carry on so
I don't believe him

He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him
And sometimes we're scorned and sometimes I believe him.
And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy,
Get scared and call him but he's usually hazy

At one in the morning the day is not ended
By two he is scared that sleep is no friend.
And by four he will drink but he cannot feel it,
Sleep will not come because sleep does not will it
And I don't believe him
Morning is mocking me

I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats
Til' the ring on my finger slips to the ground
A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city
The veins of which have broken me down.
And I don't believe him,
Morning is mocking me

Oh the gods that he believes, never fail to amaze me
He believes in the love of his god of all things,
But I find him wrapped up in all manner of sins
The drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him
I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.
I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.

And since last that we parted, since last that I saw him
Down by a river silent and hardened
Morning was mocking us, blood hit the sky.
I was just happy my manic and I
He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes
And birds were singing to calm us down
And birds were singing to calm us down

And I'm sorry young man I cannot be your friend
I don't believe in a fairy tale end
I don't keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind.
And I hardly know you, I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that we're ill
I hardly know you, I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that I'm ill
And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
The gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
My nihilist, my happy man, my manic and I
Have no plans to move on
The birds are singing to calm us down
And birds are singing to calm us down
--My Manic and I, Laura Marling

SQUEEEE!!!!!!! Emilie Autumn!

Emilie Autumn's coming to town Nov 2nd, and I'm going to see her show!!!!!
I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!!!
I just bought tickets.
SQUEEEE some more, and now I have to go to work.
Love you all!!!

P.S.
The Plague: Get it. Feed it. Spread it. Bitches.

P.P.S.
In case you're curious; ticket info: currently on pre-sale for $13 (probably ends up $20 with "convenience fee"), for members of the EA fanclub/online community. If you want to go, and are my friend, and are not part of this, let me know.
I don't know when they go on regualr sale, or how much they will be then.
Okay, now I really have to go to work.

Update?

I don't really have anything to update with.
Life is being difficult, lately. I'm so gods-damned lonely, sometimes. I think at least part of that is that I'm so fucking isolated. I see people on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Occasionally I see my roommate.
This is why I could never live alone--and I'm not living alone.
But the Wednesday game might move to Tuesdays (which means I couldn't go to that CoDA meeting I haven't started attending, but ... ), which means I'll have Wednesdays, and if I can get off my ass/out of my fucking house, then I can go to that knitting night and the women-only class/night at the SLC Bicycle Collective on alternating Wednesdays. So that will be another--activity.
I need fucking friends. I need people that I see for purely social events. Preferably women friends. I don't have any of those (Britta, I miss you more than ever, right now--and I agree, a photoshoot with you would have kicked ASS! If one of us can get up to visiting the other, we'll have to plan something). (To be more accurate: I have three very good women friends that I see once per week, for an activity. Very little socializing.)
And Cecil, my other friend who I actually see and hang out with (and is male, but NOT interested in me, which makes him almost as good as a woman) is leaving soon. Which will be awesome for him, but ...

Blah.
I apologize. I think I'm depressed. I also haven't written a gods-damned thing yet today, which is bad.

Anyway.
I'm listening to Laura Marling; a gift from an old lover. I'd never listened to her before, but found the CD today and started listening. It's kind of amazing. I don't "feel" all of her songs, but there's a few that really speak to me.

Also, I'm making a role-playing game. So far it's called Splinter Worlds. It's mostly a White Wolf/d10 system, with some changes, and the world is my own (of course), which is heavily influenced by the World of Darkness, but with a Rifts/TORG twist to it. Or something.
Eventually, once all the rules are sorted out in my head and such, I'll make all my gaming friends play it--so if you play RPGs and are my friend, then you've been warned.

Also, I'm writing. I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month, which means I have to write 50,000 by the end of this month. I'm over halfway by now, but like I said, today has not been a writing day.
But so far, I have a plot, I have several characters, I have a fascinating world (which is actually similar to my Splinter Worlds world, but much simpler--or rather, I haven't really defined in my book where the magic comes from, and I have in the game), and I have a lot of words, a lot of which are very bad, and some of which are very good.
Umm, it's a fantasy (shocking, I know . . . ), and there's magic and other creatures (vamps, 'shifters--which are basically werecreatures), and there's war. And a couple subplots are creeping in at the last second, so that's good.
The bad is that I'm a little over halfway through my words, and I'm coming up on the culminating event. I figure, though, once I hit the end of the story, if I don't have 50,000 words yet, I can go back and fill some stuff in, maybe flesh out my subplots so they exist earlier, something like that.

Anyway, I'm going to go, and maybe write. Or something.
I love you all.


And if you swear that you're alright,
I'm not gonna try and change your mind.
Cause the same night I dream that I lose you I'll fall in love
And oh honey don't let me walk away from this
If I'm trying to fuck up my own life,
Then until I figure out why,
I think it's best you keep your distance
Lest I fall in love.
Old Stone, Laura Marling

And I’m sorry young man, I cannot be your friend.
I don’t believe in a fairytale end
I don’t keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind
My Manic and I, Laura Marling

If I feel God judging me,
Well I fell into the water, now I’m free.
My friends they don’t really get me,
think I’m the only one
Well I sold my soul to Jesus and since then I've had no fun
The Captain and the Hourglass, Laura Marling

My mom's playing Shania Twain ...

... and I'm about to off myself.

I'm only in the main house because the internet connection is stronger here, and I really want some better ringtones for my new phone. Like Emilie Autumn. Or perhaps Rasputina.
Speaking of Emilie Autumn and Rasputina, I just came across a CD put together by Emilie Autumn, one of the chicks from Rasputina, and some other people, entitled Attrition: All mine enemys whispers. It's the story of a Victorian mass murderer, Mary Ann Cotton, who poisoned 20 of her children/partners.
My gods, it sounds amazing!
Release date is in late March, and there was no price listed, yet, so I can't even pre-order it yet. But it comes with reproduction stickers of original Victorian poison bottle labels. How cool is that?

Anyway, plans for Chicago are moving swiftly towards the me-ending-up-in-Chicago-very-soon direction.
I basically have to figure out how much money I'll need to get there, and to pay for first rent and all that shit, and figure out when I'll have that much, and Emily (my sister) needs to find us a place to live. Then I'm good to go.
Good thing I haven't been working on Saturdays lately. More time to pack.

Anyway. Love you all, more updates when I get them. I need to buy some ringtones, shower, and escape to my bedroom for some darkwave victoriandustrial musically orgasmic deliciousness.

lol

If You Feel Better

Hey, it's my new theme song! Or definitely should have been a couple months ago (when I got that crappy email). It is, of course, Emilie Autumn, it is called If You Feel Better, and it's from Enchant, and I'm changing one word to make it more my theme song--her line is: "How can any man be so blind".

If you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind
If it's necessary
If it helps you out
Crying that I'm heartless
It's alright

And I'm sorry to cause you so much pain
And I'm sorry to bring you down again
'Cause I've reached the end and I won't fight anymore
I don't know what you really want from me
But I don't fit in your reality
How can anyone be so blind
But if you feel better
I don't mind

Won't make me sorry 'cause I'm cruel
Won't hurt the feelings I don't have
Won't break the heart that isn't there you'll find
But if you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind

I must say again, I absolutely ADORE Enchant. And I feel terrible, because I've been ignoring Laced/Unlaced, and Unlaced is amazing.

Oh, I also had some very good chats with people today.
Tara, my boss: we talked about insurance and how I may be able to get insurance next month, instead of waiting six months. We also discussed my hypothyroidism, and it was very, very good. (Note to self: talking to people and trusting people is very good for me.) Ummm, she also said some really nice about what I'm like when I'm functioning. That was good, because I feel so fucking misunderstood a lot of the time, because of the thyroid fucking with me.
Dad: we chatted about how he's mostly worried about my (lack of) insurance, and if I can pay for insurance+doctor's bills and take care of myself on the Bakery paycheck, that he, despite practically forcing me (I was unwilling) to apply for crappy jobs through Monster, doesn't actually care what I do for a living. He was mostly worried (apparently) about the fact that I was going to have to wait six months to have insurance.

I also spent some time with a good friend of mine I kinda like the other night. We chatted a lot. Mostly about stupid stuff, nothing serious. But again, it was just nice to sit and talk, and not worry about anything. I worry too much. About what people think, what they're saying about me behind my back, when they're going to decide they hate me and never want to talk to me again.

Anyway. I am fucking tired, so I'm going to sleep.

Thoughts on Marriage, Partnerships and Pregnancy

This post is brought to you by (because of?) bloomergrrl. Not like that, but she wrote a short post about marriage, and I got to thinking. (I'm not copying off you on purpose, bloomergrrl ... )

So anyway. Her post (in case you don't feel like reading it) was about how people shouldn't define their entire lives/happinesses on whether or not they're married or whether or not their relationships have "failed".
And I whole-heartedly agree. (So you were dating someone, and decided you wouldn't be happy with them for the rest of your life, and you're not dating them anymore ... how has that relationship failed? In my book, you successfully got out of an unhappy relationship.) Anyway, moving on.

I am basically single (I am technically not in any kind of committed relationship right now, but I do have a lover), and for the most part, I'm okay with that. I'm becoming more okay with my current situation every time I think about it.
Because I never want to get married. Because I can't see myself staying with one person the rest of my life. (The possible exception to this is if I find someone that I work very well with, and there is mutual respect/levels of commitment, and serious honesty. "Love" as most people think of it is not required (aka, passion). And the ability to take lovers and be completely honest about it and be honestly okay with it is required. That's where the passion comes in. And no, I don't really believe in monogamy, which is to say, it doesn't work for me.)

The biggest problem I have with this is, I want a baby. I want a child. My baby-cravings are not as strong now as they were a couple months ago, but I know it's only a matter of time before they come back.
My problem is, I belong to a conservative and judgmental family. I don't personally have a problem with conceiving, giving birth to and raising a child without a "partner". But I shudder to think about how my family would react. Getting pregnant and then getting married is one thing, permissible, and hardly spoken of (just ask my sister ... although getting divorced afterward is more trying, I think). But if I were to knowingly get pregnant without any intention of marriage ... I can't think how certain family members would react.
And I have so much trouble with the idea of raising a child in that kind of atmosphere, that kind of family. I know they would treat me and my child differently than, say, my brother and his potential family, when he gets home from preaching his/their religion to the world, and all that. And I'm pretty sure I can handle it; but I don't want my child to go through that.

I've been wondering if it would make it lightly better for my family if I were to tell them I want a baby, so I'm going for In Vitro, or something similar. I haven't decided. ('Tell' being the operative word, here, because I'd rather go the natural way ... )

Anyway, this is mostly moot point right now. I need a bit more stability in my life before I can think about raising a child.

By the way, Emilie Autumn is ENCHANTing ... I've been listening to Enchant pretty much non-stop since yesterday, and it's beautiful. (My lover made me a copy of Enchant and Laced/Unlaced, because he's a darling)

You know I think it's strange
Just a little bit deranged
That you think I'm gonna change to make you happy
If you can tell me why
I should wait around then I
May be coming down
But until then this means
You can see me in your dreams
Emilie Autumn, How Strange

Train Wreck

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
Alanis Morissette, So Unsexy

I do. I dunno, maybe I'm depressed. I feel . . . plain. Unbeautiful.
I shaved my hair to create my own kind of beautiful, being tired of and annoyed by our culture's version of beautiful, which involves long, thick hair. My hair is very fine, and falls limp if it's too long.
But I am not conventionally beautiful. My features are strong and . . . unusual. My hair is thin, with no body, and doesn't look as good long. I feel awkward, too tall, clumsy.
I dunno. My two younger sisters are both better-looking than I am. In high school, when my sister started, people from my grade, whom I'd known for years but never been friends with, would come up to me and tell me, "Hey, your sister's really hot."
Gee thanks. I really needed that.
A friend of mine I kinda like said the same thing.

I mean, sometimes I feel attractive. And there are people (most notably my boyfriends) who find me attractive.
I just don't feel attractive tonight.

Anyway.

Would your love in all its finery
tear at the darkness all around me
until I can feel again
until I can breathe again

Cause I'm a train wreck waiting to happen
waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
a wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
I've no fear at all

Would your eyes like midnight fireflies
light up the trenches where my heart lies
until I can see again
to find my way back again

Chorus

To fall so deep into you
lose myself completely
in your sweet embrace
all my pains erased

From your mouth its all that I wish
the mercy of your lips just one kiss
until I can breathe again
so that I can sing again

Chorus
Train Wreck, Sarah McLachlan

Alanis Morissette

because I can't not
because I can't not
because I can't afford to be misread one more time

and who do you think you are why do you question me?
Can't Not, by Alanis Morissette

Sorry, but my life right now is revolving around certain things: my thyroid and how it affects me and how so many people have completely misread me, the note I got from my "friend" and wondering how the rest of that group of friends feels about me, and the way the past keeps repeating itself, and how I always want to run away whenever I fuck up that badly.

It's just that I'd complain about some of the ways my body's not working, and people would always just be like, oh, it's just stress. You're not depressed, you're stressed. Your body's not falling apart, you're just stressed. You're not going crazy, you're just stressed. (Oh, wait.)
I remember vividly talking to the Storyteller of the Sunday games, telling him about problems I've already complained about (the constant fatigue, the inability to sleep, etc.), and then I told him the "new development", that thyroid problems run in my family, and I think that might be it. Now, I didn't mention that I had just learned this that weekend, because I figured he'd understand that since I hadn't mentioned it before, he would realize I hadn't known about it before.
No. He assumed I had known about it all along, and basically told me, you're just imagining things. You're just looking for a reason, an excuse, when really, you're just stressed.
And I mean, I guess it makes sense. It makes sense that people would already know their own family's medical history, and all that.
The problem, of course, being that I'm not most people. My dad was adopted, and has no medical history from his biological parents. And my dad's the one who brought us the thyroid problem.
Blah.

I'm supposed to be cleaning (again, my "rent"), but I was listening to Alanis while cleaning, heard the song, and had to post a note.
Laters, before dad finds me on the computer and yells at me.