Voc Rehab

I'm leaving for Voc Rehab in just a minute--so quickly, in fact, that I did not get to finish the preamble.

I'm waiting in the lobby now, because my friend BS is "talking about me behind my back", is what she said, but who knows. She may tell me when she's done.

We talked to my counselor's supervisor about what's been going on, specifically about my anxiety that seems to accompany authority figures (who are usually male--like my counselor), and about how slowly things have seemed to be going with him.

The supervisor seemed more concerned with how slowly things were going than with my anxiety--not that he wasn't concerned about the anxiety, he merely felt that the anxiety itself should be addressed, rather than skirting me around any dangerous territory. I'm basically okay with that. But he talked about setting specific, I don't know, benchmarks that, if we didn't find them happening within a timely manner, if we felt we weren't getting the service we needed, we were to talk to him about it. We didn't actually do it, so I don't know how that helps, but ...

(BS was asking about her position as my "advocate" and whether she was "helping" too much ... )

I also got them the name and number of a counselor/therapist/whatever (someday I'll learn the difference between the terms) who's been working with my family somewhat, and wanted to work with me. She was in their list of okay people, so that was good.

It's been a long day, and I'm tired. More later.

If I'm not fucked up, if I'm not using drugs, if I don't have an eating disorder, if I'm not on any medications, if I've never attempted suicide, how can I justify not being happy?

Moving On

So many different thoughts flying in my head at once. Voc Eval finished, and I almost wish they would keep everyone a full week, because that might be a decent test of how well a person can bear up under that schedule. BS says a lot of their clients can't. I thought it would be a cakewalk, but I think I was starting to show strain.

Tuesday was harder than Monday, with me employing my coping mechanisms more frequently (mostly homeopathic stress reliefs, but also one thing that could be termed "unhealthy", and thus will not go on the internet). Wednesday, while I was waiting, I laid my head down on my desk and fell asleep for a little while. Also, Wednesday saw me pull out my coping mechanisms very frequently.

And, fortunately for me, we were done yesterday, because I slept till 2:30pm today, which almost never happens. Granted, I did stay up till 2am, because I knew I didn't have to get up, but when I do that, I usually wake at 10am.

I was thinking earlier, before I sat down to do this, that it's a wonder I blog at all. I have this omnipresent belief that unless someone asks me a direct question, they're probably not interested in what I have to say.

And yet, here I am, sending information about myself into the ether, but I think it's because people wouldn't look at my blog unless they wanted to know what I have to say. If they weren't interested, they could just close the tab or window.

Whereas, in conversation with real humans, it may not be considered polite to tell someone you just don't care, will you please shut up. So I opt to shut up in the first place, and if you want to know something, you can ask.

Vocational Evaluation, Take 3

Good morning. Sitting in the Voc Eval place, waiting for my evaluator to finish with explaining the computer test to one of the other people. There's three people here today, but it's just after nine, so the fourth might be coming. Or he might be that guy sitting at a different table, working on something. I can't tell if he looks familiar or not. Probably not.

Anyway, once the evaluator is done, he'll pick either me, or the other guy waiting, and get us started. But for now, I'm just sitting.

Tests today included motor coordination, finger dexterity and manual dexterity. I feel like I did not do perfectly on any of them, but he marked me high on all of them, except the wiring one, because there wasn't any wiggle room: my score was how many tiny metal circles I got the "wire" through, out of twenty. I felt that was particularly low, but he said most of the people who do that test get lower scores.

I also did the Computer Operator Aptitude Battery, which involved three parts: logical thinking, pattern recognition, and one other that I cannot remember. The logical thinking one was the best: brain puzzles, basically, and it took me fourteen of the thirty minutes given me to do it.

If I remember what he said about my scores, I got between the 90th and 99th percentile on each of the tests, and unlike the other tests I took, I wasn't being compared against Random Population A, but against computer people. And I got the 99th percentile in something. (I don't remember which. I'm hoping I'll get all this information printed out and handed to me at one of my next Voc Rehab appointments, so I can take it home and frame it.)

And then he told me I was done, that the testing was done, and I had nothing else to do. So, this adventure with Voc Eval is at its end, which is good in a way: I was getting nothing done. Well, I did manage to write some during my breaks. But mostly I didn't have the energy after a session to do anything at all ...