24 December 2007

Also, Happy Solstice.

I'm not really looking forward to New Year's.
I think I wouldn't mind so much if I was in my own place. I could just hang out at home and do my own thing, if I had no other plans.
But if I have no other plans, then hanging out here means running into my family's stuff. I'd rather do nothing than spend New Years' with my family.

I'm feeling isolated and lonely. Probably because I just came back from a party. It relates to what I said in my earlier blog, that I have trouble feeling connections once the people I feel connected to are gone. I felt like I had friends at the party, but now that it's over and I'm home, I feel more isolated than ever.
A part of me really wants someone to kiss--under the mistletoe, at the stroke of midnight, at a party, it doesn't even matter.

Anyway. It's fucking late.

Happy Christmas Eve.

23 December 2007


So, my sister's here for Christmas, and it's been crazy-amazing. She and I have just been spending a lot of time talking, whenever we can, which usually tends to be around midnight. Last night we went into my room, I read the Tarot cards for her, and then we just talked about our fucked-up family, and life and religion/spirituality and art and music and relationships, and especially how our family has basically fucked us up in the relationship arena.

And we talked about Chicago, and I'm thinking seriously about moving to Chicago again. I've found that my biggest fear, in moving, is that I have this "out-of-sight-out-of-mind" problem with people I don't see that often. I can only feel connections with people when they're right there, when I'm in the midst of a connection. When I don't see people for a while, I tend to lose that connection, and also to forget we ever had a connection (I tend to forget we were ever friends).
It really sucks.

But my book, How I Stayed Alive, talks about that, and about ways to maintain connections with people you don't see that often. So I feel like that might be okay. You know?

Anyway. Just thoughts.

16 December 2007


My favorite Pagan book of all time (Urban Primitive) gives a spell for letting go of people who have moved on (or anything you might want to get rid of). The spell involves writing down the name of the person or thing to be let go of on a piece of paper, going to a subway station, ripping the paper up, and letting the subway trains take the pieces of paper away as they pass. Something about the undergroundedness, the motion and darkness, makes subways energetically related to the Underworld and the Underworld Deities.
Anyway. The book recommends that you be careful about doing this spell, because if you're not really ready to let go of that person or thing, it can get ripped from you.

My ex-lover was related to something that I was letting go of for my Samhain ritual. I do have to wonder if he was ripped from me as an unintentional byproduct of the letting go of things ritual. Because I was not ready.

I do want to say thanks to everyone who had a kind word to say, or has been thinking good thoughts my way. The depression isn't completely gone (is it ever?), but I'm feeling better.
I got some books from the library. One each on codependency, addiction, depression and suicide, because the title was How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me. And the suicide one, surprisingly enough, has been the most helpful so far. I have had a couple episodes of suicidal thought in my entire life, and the last one was fucking weird, involving completely involuntary flashes of ways I could kill myself, followed by commentary on how it wouldn't work ("No, crashing the car into the car in front of me won't kill me, I'm not going fast enough. I would get injured and go to the hospital, and have to pay the hospital bills and car-wreaking bills without insurance, and Nick (my ex-fiance whose car it was) would be pissed at me!"). And that was several months ago.
Anyway, the suicide book has all sorts of exercises and "Tricks of the Trade" that can be used on depression as well as suicidal thoughts, so that's been helping.
The addiction one is called Perfect Daughters and is about daughters of alcoholics (I guess it's more about codependency, but ... ). While my dad's not an alcoholic (and I'm having trouble pinpointing exactly what kind of addict he is, except perhaps an Avoidance Addict), the principle's the same, and what I've read so far (not much) works for me.
I wonder sometimes if I should go to Al-Anon meetings. Nick thought I should, when he started going to AA meetings.

Anyway, it's late, and I'm fucking tired and hungry. I need to eat and go to bed.
Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it. It's good to know that I am being heard.

09 December 2007

Snow Feels Like Hope

I'm slightly depressed.
My lover (the relationship that wasn't going anywhere) ended it Friday. I know I was saying that it was an unhealthy relationship and needed to be over and all that, but it really caught me off-guard. We'd been having a good conversation, and I felt really close to him, and suddenly he was talking about ending it, and I was really surprised.
The depression has been pretty decent for my creating, though. Last night I took pictures for the first time in forever (besides taking picture of my hair). So that was good. (Winter Lights on dA)

Friday evening, I got out of his car, crying, and it was raining, like the sky was crying, and I got onto the train and opened my book and didn't look up until I was at my stop. So I was surprised when I got out to find that it was snowing. Big fluffy white flakes drifting softly, and it felt like hope.
So it hasn't stopped snowing for long since then, and while I know I'll get tired of the snow, I can't help but to feel slightly more hopeful every time I see the snow falling.

So, I'm going to try my celibacy thing again. (I never did find a term I was satisfied with.)

Meh. I'm getting more depressed. I also need to read my cards for the day. And then start doing mundane things like eating and showering.

03 December 2007

As Cool As I Am

I'm going to be getting insurance really soon. (It should have been set up Friday, but our boss (Tara) called the insurance people, and they didn't answer, and as of when I left work on Friday, they hadn't called back ... Tara was sick Saturday, the Tea Shop is closed Sundays, and I don't work today ... ) Once I get insurance, I'm going to see a doctor.

I'm looking for a new place to live, also roommates. There's two places I kinda want--the first, the girl who lives there sounds pretty kick-ass, and I think we'd get along. The second, I'd have a room and a living room-type of thing to myself, which means, space for writing and ritual. They're both not really in the area I want, but that's okay.

Also, I bought a humidifier, and it has made SUCH a difference! I've been sleeping better since I got it.

It snowed majorly, and my stairs are covered in snow, which sucks. I feel like I'm going to fall and die whenever I go down them ...

Also, I was starting to hate my hair, because I'm not going to shave it again, and it's growing out and in that in-between stage, and I wear a hat all the time at work, which made it worse. I was talking to a friend of mine, who suggested dying an extreme color, "like platinum blond or black", to help me get through the in-between stage. I was like, "Well, I've done black before ... "
So, I bought some bleach, and yesterday:

You look out of the kitchen window and you shake your head and say low,
"If I could believe that stuff, I'd say that woman has a halo,"
And I look out and say, "Yeah, she's really blond."
As Cool As I Am
, Dar Williams

I'm listening to Dar Williams. The thing about Dar is, she uses words very differently than most people. It makes her songs seem a little ... weird. I was listening to a mix CD my lover made me a while back, and we were talking, and suddenly I heard the line "You stopped and pointed and you said, "That's a crocus," And I said, "What's a crocus?" and you said, "It's a flower," I tried to remember, but I said, "What's a flower?" You said, "I still love you."
And I said, is that Dar Williams? And he said, very good, how did you know? And I said, because the lyrics almost made sense.
But I've discovered that there's an emotion behind her songs, and if you can connect to that emotion, then the song suddenly makes sense. It happened with February (the flower song), and then with As Cool As I Am on Saturday. So, that makes two of her songs that I actually understand.

Anyway. I hope everyone's having a lovely day.
I love you all!

15 November 2007

New Year Update

So, Samhain (roughly November 1st, rough Pagan equivalent to Hallowe'en) is generally considered the Pagan's New Year.
I was sort of resisting that, because I wanted everything to be nice and symmetrical: dawn is the beginning of the day (for me), so spring should be the beginning of the year, and east where I start in Circle. And, likewise, if I call Samhain the New Year, that means the beginning of the day has to be somewhere between sunset and midnight (as Samhain is halfway between Autumn Equinox and Winter Solstice, the sunset and midnight of the year), and I'd have to start my Circle in the northwest?
Ah, symmetry.

Anyway, if Samhain does mark the beginning of the year, then this year is known as The Year of Taking Off the Mask.
I had a mask base, that I had made a couple years ago, when I was still part of a group. I had been keeping it for ... something. I didn't know what. For a while, it was significant to me to keep it blank, and leave it on my altar.
But I decided that there were several things I needed to let go of this year. And that group I was a part of was something that needed to be let go of. Which for me meant getting rid of or making new use of the physical pieces I had been holding onto.
So, after some serious thought, and a conversation, I decided that instead of making putting on the mask the significant act, taking the mask off would be the significant act, and the mask was to represent all of me that is unhealthy, that is sick, that is holding me back, that I want to change, and every mean thing anyone has ever said about me. (That I could remember.)
So I wrote all sorts of words on the mask, and it was an extremely powerful ritual. When I wore The Mask, I could feel the weight of all those words, and when I took The Mask off, the relief was intense.

Clearly, this is a thing that evokes change over a longish period of time, which means I need to wear The Mask frequently, so I can perform the significant act of taking it off.
I've tried it once since the fifth, which is actually when I did the ritual, but I was feeling so numb and detached that day that I couldn't feel anything, even The Mask.

Happy New Year.

14 November 2007

Just putting this out there.

I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling. I've had a few dysfunctional days in a row, followed by today which was functional and good, up until now when I feel ... detached and numb and dysfunctional again.
I joined a Love Addicts Anonymous discussion board, because there are no LAA meetings here (or anywhere else besides LA). There are a few SLAA (Sex and Love AA) meetings, but they're not exactly arranged to work perfectly with my life (two on role-playing days, one on my day off, which will be fine once I move back to SLC ... ). There's also two CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meetings, one on a game night, the other on my writing group night.

I don't know if I should even "put this out there", because once you say something, like, I'm writing a novel, or, I've joined a 12-step program, people ask about it, people expect you to go on with it, people want to hear about your novel, people hold you to being a vegetarian (a friend of mine decided he wouldn't actually start being a vegetarian until he told people he was).
I don't know that I can handle that right now. Hell, it's hard enough when people ask about my writing projects. (By the way, seriously put on hold right as my life is basically falling apart.)

I don't know what to do. I feel like I just want to get my life in order one thing at a time, and right now, that's moving out of my parents' house. It's semi-valid; I will have a much easier time getting to that Monday meeting if I'm already in SLC, because I live there. But it also feels like one of those endless excuses; the as-soon-as excuse.
I know I should get out of my current relationship, because I'm unhealthy, and so is he (like attracts like; it's very difficult to have unhealthy relationships with healthy people), and the relationship is pretty much going nowhere, but I'm content to wait till I've started going to meetings, which is again semi-valid, because if this was something I could do on my own, without the support of people who know what I'm going through, I'd have done it already. I need the support of the group. But the excuse feels like a crutch.

I know that I'm going to regret "putting this out there".
Is this some kind of cry for help and sympathy? I don't think so. But hell, my judgement isn't exactly perfect at the moment. And I'm seriously not functional right now.

I need a humidifier hella bad.

01 November 2007

Thoughts on being sick.

The thing I hate most about being sick is the part where I'm afraid to eat anything afterward, because my stomach still feels pretty delicate, and then my stomach just feels crappy because I'm hungry, but I don't know if I'm hungry or if I'm still sick-ish, or both; and I don't know if eating will make me feel better or if it will make me throw up again.
That's where I'm at right now. And needing to clean off my bed, and really not wanting to. Plus, my room is freezing because I wanted to air it out. So I really don't want to hang out in my room, which sucks, because I hate the feeling I get in the main house, which is feeling like I don't belong, like I don't have a place, because I don't have my own space there.

Anyway. I think I'm going to eat and then come back here with cleaning supplies, because I'd really like to have my room back. Plus, I'm fucking freezing.


I threw up last night. around midnight. And because I'm not actually a part of the house, but in an "outbuilding" with no bathroom, I didn't quite "make it".
Actually, I was afraid that I would start throwing up on the floor if I got up and tried to put on pajamas, and so I clung to the vain hope that nothing would happen if I stayed still.
So I ended up throwing up all over my bed.

My stomach still feels a bit delicate. I've had some mint tea (not that it helped last night), and a banana.
My mom's washing machine has bits of half-digested food in it from washing my sheets. I want to clean it out before she needs to use it, but I still feel sick.


31 October 2007


Okay, so I've decided that I'm just really bad at that whole responding-quickly-to-strangers-as-I'm-walking-past thing. Especially if I'm not expecting to be talked to. So here's the conversations I wished I'd had:

walking out of the Tesoro with my coffee, in full Hallowe'en costume; two older (graying) men filling up their car:
(something like) Is that your real hair, or is that a costume?
(what I should have said) Yes, I realize it's a shitty wig, but all my money's going to my chemotherapy ...
(I actually just acted like I didn't hear them, which wasn't too difficult, because I didn't really hear them.)

walking in a parking lot, nearly getting run over by an extremely inconsiderate driver who pretended that he couldn't see me, which, since I was in costume, had to have been difficult:
(the lady walking the other way)
Hit his car with your umbrella.
(what I should have said) I would never risk damaging my parasol for an asswipe like that.
(I actually just shared a laugh with her and moved on.)

Blah. SOOOO fucking tired.

28 October 2007


I promise better pictures soon. But I wanted to show you all!

The first is the complete outfit. You can't see my shoes, but that's okay. They're not that impressive.

The second is a closeup on the corset itself. Isn't it cute?

And the third is the back, because I was really impressed with my designing skills. It turned out exactly as I wanted, with the frilly/lacey in the back, hanging down.

Quickly: the wig my boss found at Big Lots (and it's CHEAP); the corset I made out of a bed sheet and milk-jug plastic (for boning), with button-holes instead of grommets, lace embellishments, and the most gorgeous ribbon ever. I got the pattern here. It was supposed to be an under-bust, but I made it really long. It was supposed to be "a pair of bodies"(/stays), but I didn't understand the instructions until it was too late, so it's all one piece. Underneath the corset I'm wearing part of the bedsheet, just wrapped around my front, with sheer material and lace sewn on the bottom and side edges. The bloomers I made from a pair of thrift-store pajama-bottoms (hand-sewn, because I didn't have a sewing machine at the time). The fishnets I bought at Hot Topic (shame on me), the stripey stockings I got from, and the armwarmers (that I apparently took off before taking the pictures!!) were custom-made for me by someone on dA. The parasol was a gift from my lover. I made the spoon necklace (spoonlace)(which actually you can't see in any of the pictures I have here, because I moved it out of the way in the corset close-up pic), the lace was leftover from my costume and safety-pinned on (badly), and the little black necklace was a gift from my mom.

So: the corset's a bit long, and the plastic, not having been perfectly straight to begin with, crumples weirdly and buckles a lot, because it wasn't straight.
It was an adventure sewing it. The buttonholes are a bit small, and I've already complained about the plastic.

But it's SOOO lovely!

And I am SOOO fucking tired. Time for bed!

27 October 2007

Corset Heaven

I just made a fucking corset. I am a fucking goddess.

Oh, and it's SOOOO cute.

More later about my corset and stuff, because right now, I have to finish up a couple costuming things, shower, eat and then hit the road.

I love you all. (Thanks especially for luck from a stranger ... if you read this.)

26 October 2007

I'm Going to be a Wayward Victorian Girl Escaped From an Asylum (Complete with Plague Rat!)

Part of what's amusing to me about my conversations with my dad is the communication (or lack thereof) between us. For instance, when we talk about how much money I need to live comfortably, I'm thinking in "per month", and he's thinking in "per year". Per year numbers, unless they are easily divisible by 12 months (like $12000 or $24000) confuse me. Dad said $30000 or $40000 or something, and I drew a complete blank about how much money that was, how close it was to my "what I can live with" line, etc.

Anyway, Hallowe'en is less than a week away, and I don't have a fucking corset yet. I found four milk jugs in the recycling this morning--the plastic is cut into strips and replaces the whalebone--and so I grabbed them, and the next time I go inside, I'll rinse them out, and maybe find better scissors than mine that Mom will let me use on plastic. Then I'll have the boning. But I still need fabric, grommets, and ribbon, at the very least, and lace and more ribbons if I want my corset all pretty and decorated.
Bah. I have nearly everything else, so I can skip the corset if I have to, especially since I've been invited to a Saturday Hallowe'en party, which I think is this Saturday, as in tomorrow. (I just checked, it IS this Saturday, as in tomorrow--NO CORSET for me!)
Actually, just after writing that, I started thinking: Well, if I spend the morning playing with my wig and looking up corset patterns, then buy my plague rat and the necessary bits for corset-making when I go into SLC today, and then spend this evening and tomorrow morning/afternoon sewing the corset .... then I might have a chance.
So I'm looking at corset patterns right now ...

24 October 2007

If You Feel Better

Hey, it's my new theme song! Or definitely should have been a couple months ago (when I got that crappy email). It is, of course, Emilie Autumn, it is called If You Feel Better, and it's from Enchant, and I'm changing one word to make it more my theme song--her line is: "How can any man be so blind".

If you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind
If it's necessary
If it helps you out
Crying that I'm heartless
It's alright

And I'm sorry to cause you so much pain
And I'm sorry to bring you down again
'Cause I've reached the end and I won't fight anymore
I don't know what you really want from me
But I don't fit in your reality
How can anyone be so blind
But if you feel better
I don't mind

Won't make me sorry 'cause I'm cruel
Won't hurt the feelings I don't have
Won't break the heart that isn't there you'll find
But if you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind

I must say again, I absolutely ADORE Enchant. And I feel terrible, because I've been ignoring Laced/Unlaced, and Unlaced is amazing.

Oh, I also had some very good chats with people today.
Tara, my boss: we talked about insurance and how I may be able to get insurance next month, instead of waiting six months. We also discussed my hypothyroidism, and it was very, very good. (Note to self: talking to people and trusting people is very good for me.) Ummm, she also said some really nice about what I'm like when I'm functioning. That was good, because I feel so fucking misunderstood a lot of the time, because of the thyroid fucking with me.
Dad: we chatted about how he's mostly worried about my (lack of) insurance, and if I can pay for insurance+doctor's bills and take care of myself on the Bakery paycheck, that he, despite practically forcing me (I was unwilling) to apply for crappy jobs through Monster, doesn't actually care what I do for a living. He was mostly worried (apparently) about the fact that I was going to have to wait six months to have insurance.

I also spent some time with a good friend of mine I kinda like the other night. We chatted a lot. Mostly about stupid stuff, nothing serious. But again, it was just nice to sit and talk, and not worry about anything. I worry too much. About what people think, what they're saying about me behind my back, when they're going to decide they hate me and never want to talk to me again.

Anyway. I am fucking tired, so I'm going to sleep.

23 October 2007

Thoughts on Marriage, Partnerships and Pregnancy

This post is brought to you by (because of?) bloomergrrl. Not like that, but she wrote a short post about marriage, and I got to thinking. (I'm not copying off you on purpose, bloomergrrl ... )

So anyway. Her post (in case you don't feel like reading it) was about how people shouldn't define their entire lives/happinesses on whether or not they're married or whether or not their relationships have "failed".
And I whole-heartedly agree. (So you were dating someone, and decided you wouldn't be happy with them for the rest of your life, and you're not dating them anymore ... how has that relationship failed? In my book, you successfully got out of an unhappy relationship.) Anyway, moving on.

I am basically single (I am technically not in any kind of committed relationship right now, but I do have a lover), and for the most part, I'm okay with that. I'm becoming more okay with my current situation every time I think about it.
Because I never want to get married. Because I can't see myself staying with one person the rest of my life. (The possible exception to this is if I find someone that I work very well with, and there is mutual respect/levels of commitment, and serious honesty. "Love" as most people think of it is not required (aka, passion). And the ability to take lovers and be completely honest about it and be honestly okay with it is required. That's where the passion comes in. And no, I don't really believe in monogamy, which is to say, it doesn't work for me.)

The biggest problem I have with this is, I want a baby. I want a child. My baby-cravings are not as strong now as they were a couple months ago, but I know it's only a matter of time before they come back.
My problem is, I belong to a conservative and judgmental family. I don't personally have a problem with conceiving, giving birth to and raising a child without a "partner". But I shudder to think about how my family would react. Getting pregnant and then getting married is one thing, permissible, and hardly spoken of (just ask my sister ... although getting divorced afterward is more trying, I think). But if I were to knowingly get pregnant without any intention of marriage ... I can't think how certain family members would react.
And I have so much trouble with the idea of raising a child in that kind of atmosphere, that kind of family. I know they would treat me and my child differently than, say, my brother and his potential family, when he gets home from preaching his/their religion to the world, and all that. And I'm pretty sure I can handle it; but I don't want my child to go through that.

I've been wondering if it would make it lightly better for my family if I were to tell them I want a baby, so I'm going for In Vitro, or something similar. I haven't decided. ('Tell' being the operative word, here, because I'd rather go the natural way ... )

Anyway, this is mostly moot point right now. I need a bit more stability in my life before I can think about raising a child.

By the way, Emilie Autumn is ENCHANTing ... I've been listening to Enchant pretty much non-stop since yesterday, and it's beautiful. (My lover made me a copy of Enchant and Laced/Unlaced, because he's a darling)

You know I think it's strange
Just a little bit deranged
That you think I'm gonna change to make you happy
If you can tell me why
I should wait around then I
May be coming down
But until then this means
You can see me in your dreams
Emilie Autumn, How Strange

21 October 2007

Fucking freezing!

Nude photo shoots outside only in spring, summer and fall.
From now on.

I got two pictures before deciding my feet would freeze off from standing in the snow.

I suppose I could wear thick socks and boots and just not photograph my feet . . .

My toes are thawing now. When they're finished, I'll continue to think about it.

Winter is Officially Here

As in, it snowed last night, and there is still snow on the ground this morning. Maybe it needs the 24-hour test? I dunno. And I'm sure it's because we're so high up in the mountains, I'm sure SLC didn't get as much snow.
Yesterday, because we had the entire family here, my mom wanted to take family pictures. So we all went out into the backyard, took pictures by these trees, and even took some pictures of leaf fights, throwing around handfuls of leaves. Last night we came home from dinner, and it was snowing, and my mom was like, quick, let's take the winter family photos now!
Of course, we didn't because it was so dark, but we may actually do it after church.

My problem is that because I'm "invited" to go to church, and not required, I have a three-hour in window in which my family (and the whole neighborhood--advantages of living where I do, I guess) is at church . . . and I had decided to be brave and do a (brief) nude "photoshoot" (I'm uncomfortable using real photography/modeling terms for what I do . . . I'm not sure why) outside in the leaves.
Well, now there's no leaves. Lots of snow. I might do something in the snow. Maybe. If so, I have to come up with it before I go out, because it will be so freaking cold.

11 October 2007

No fucking clue

More on a similar topic (similar to my last post).
I've had lots of thoughts swirling around in my head, and I'm not sure they're ready for culmination and expulsion yet.
But here goes:
The tea shop at which I work (that is not yet open) is owned by an older British couple, Robin and Elizabeth. They are somewhat conservative. Elizabeth has this very solid idea in her mind of what she wants the girls serving the customers to look like, complete with lacy aprons that are a story all their own.
She has told two of the three girls working on the counter (immediately upon meeting them) how cute they would look in the lacy aprons. Guess who the third girl is?
Nathaniel (a coworker) told me the other day (while trying on the aforementioned aprons) that it was the first time I'd looked like a girl.
I saw a girl today walking on the arm of a man; her hair was shaved off, shorter than mine is now, possibly shorter than mine has ever been, and I thought of that horrible email my "friend" sent me. What she said about my hair, and I quote: "i don't know why you shaved your head, but it looks horrible. i thought i could stand it until it grew back in, but then when it started to get long again, you shaved it! I had gotten my hopes up that it would get long and normal…oh well." And she said other nasty things about me "pretending to be sexy", etc. And I thought about someone whose opinion matters very much to me who said he liked my hair better when it was longer and more growed out.
And I thought, Do I care about being physically attractive?
I still don't have an answer.

I shaved my hair to redefine (for myself) physical beauty, because I have gone through major love/hate relationships with my appearance. I shaved my hair as part of my descent, as in "the Goddess rebirths, cuts her hair and goes under to tend the sleeping souls". I shaved my hair because I am interested in a warrior's path, on which I might learn about strength, and honor, and dealing with pain, and in my mind, I had two options: growing my hair long and putting it in either dreads or braids, decorated with beads and feathers, like warriors of lots of ancient cultures; or shaving my hair, like warriors of my culture. I chose the latter because of Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta, and also because I don't think long hair looks very good on me.
And when I shaved my hair, my descent was much clearer and sharper for me, and my roommate suggested that it was a symbolic beheading, and I was very comfortable with death and decay.

And now I am looking at older pictures of myself, and thinking of all the things people have said to and about me (that I know of), and thinking maybe I should grow my hair out again. It looked really cute that time when I cut it myself.

And I have no fucking clue.

01 October 2007

Train Wreck

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
Alanis Morissette, So Unsexy

I do. I dunno, maybe I'm depressed. I feel . . . plain. Unbeautiful.
I shaved my hair to create my own kind of beautiful, being tired of and annoyed by our culture's version of beautiful, which involves long, thick hair. My hair is very fine, and falls limp if it's too long.
But I am not conventionally beautiful. My features are strong and . . . unusual. My hair is thin, with no body, and doesn't look as good long. I feel awkward, too tall, clumsy.
I dunno. My two younger sisters are both better-looking than I am. In high school, when my sister started, people from my grade, whom I'd known for years but never been friends with, would come up to me and tell me, "Hey, your sister's really hot."
Gee thanks. I really needed that.
A friend of mine I kinda like said the same thing.

I mean, sometimes I feel attractive. And there are people (most notably my boyfriends) who find me attractive.
I just don't feel attractive tonight.


Would your love in all its finery
tear at the darkness all around me
until I can feel again
until I can breathe again

Cause I'm a train wreck waiting to happen
waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
a wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
I've no fear at all

Would your eyes like midnight fireflies
light up the trenches where my heart lies
until I can see again
to find my way back again


To fall so deep into you
lose myself completely
in your sweet embrace
all my pains erased

From your mouth its all that I wish
the mercy of your lips just one kiss
until I can breathe again
so that I can sing again

Train Wreck, Sarah McLachlan

20 September 2007

Losing My Mind

I'm sure it's a fairly common occurence. You walk into a room, and as you do so, you completely forget what it was you wanted to get. Or do? You can't remember. It's really frustrating, because you know as soon as you go back to what you were doing before, you'll remember, and so you'll have to make the trip all over again.

Now, imagine that happening all the time. With everything. You get on the computer, knowing there was something specific you wanted to do. And it's completely gone. Sponged out.
And there's no guarantee that it'll ever come back.

That's me, now. Every day. With so much that I do. I'm living in this haze.

And it's only after I write all this that I finally remember that I wrote the things I needed to get done on my hand, so I'd remember.

Anyway. I just logged onto the public computer so I could do something I've been needing to do for a little while, and as the computer was loading, I thought: Now, what did I need to do? I thought I needed to do something, but what was it?
So, my first reaction was to come here and write about it.
I'm thinking about starting a new blog specifically about thyroid problems. I can share all the interesting things I learn, and all my scary no-brain moments. It might be interesting.

So, I need to get going.

15 September 2007

Alanis Morissette

because I can't not
because I can't not
because I can't afford to be misread one more time

and who do you think you are why do you question me?
Can't Not, by Alanis Morissette

Sorry, but my life right now is revolving around certain things: my thyroid and how it affects me and how so many people have completely misread me, the note I got from my "friend" and wondering how the rest of that group of friends feels about me, and the way the past keeps repeating itself, and how I always want to run away whenever I fuck up that badly.

It's just that I'd complain about some of the ways my body's not working, and people would always just be like, oh, it's just stress. You're not depressed, you're stressed. Your body's not falling apart, you're just stressed. You're not going crazy, you're just stressed. (Oh, wait.)
I remember vividly talking to the Storyteller of the Sunday games, telling him about problems I've already complained about (the constant fatigue, the inability to sleep, etc.), and then I told him the "new development", that thyroid problems run in my family, and I think that might be it. Now, I didn't mention that I had just learned this that weekend, because I figured he'd understand that since I hadn't mentioned it before, he would realize I hadn't known about it before.
No. He assumed I had known about it all along, and basically told me, you're just imagining things. You're just looking for a reason, an excuse, when really, you're just stressed.
And I mean, I guess it makes sense. It makes sense that people would already know their own family's medical history, and all that.
The problem, of course, being that I'm not most people. My dad was adopted, and has no medical history from his biological parents. And my dad's the one who brought us the thyroid problem.

I'm supposed to be cleaning (again, my "rent"), but I was listening to Alanis while cleaning, heard the song, and had to post a note.
Laters, before dad finds me on the computer and yells at me.

12 September 2007

What a Day (or Two)

I don't even know where to begin. I've been wanting to write up a post the past couple days, but the computer/internet has been being stupid. My computer says that the network has not assigned my computer an address, and so connection to the internet is sporadic, and my brother insists that it's an "open network", which apparently means that it doesn't matter, but unfortunately, connection to the internet continues to be sporadic.
I'm using my family's computer; my brother and sister are at a concert, so the computer's free.

A few days ago, I was reading a book my sister lent me (A Great and Terrible Beauty, I can't remember the author), and one of the characters engages in self-mutilation. She explained to the main character that she did it because she couldn't feel anything, and she hurt herself basically to see if she *could* feel. Now, I've heard this before (I had a friend a few years back who also (used to) use self-mutilation), but for some reason, it struck me with particular force. Perhaps because recently, it's occurred to me that I also have trouble feeling. I haven't begun to self-mutilate, but that may be that I am in enough pain already (in brief, my spine is crooked, which causes back and neck pain, as well as headaches, my joints are in constant pain, possibly because my thyroid probably doesn't work properly (I haven't seen a doctor yet), and I haven't been able to get new corrective lenses (glasses/contacts), so I'm getting (even more) headaches).
I dunno. I've been reading about the thyroid gland lately (in brief, I've been feeling terrible for a couple years, then found out thyroid troubles run in my family, so started looking into it), and it seems the thyroid is involved with emotions. (And a million other things.)
The song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls came to mind:
You can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
And when everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

The last line. Thyroid does all sorts of things to a person. Makes you irritable, pulls your emotions/mood in all sorts of different directions, makes you depressed, anxious, stressed-out. I feel like everyone who knows me really doesn't. I haven't been fully alive for years. I don't even understand myself. I do things I don't even understand. I don't know why I do them. I get that I'm terrified of intimacy, so I push people away. But I do all sorts of things, and I don't understand my own reasons and motivations.
My life has no meaning, sometimes.

Anyway. I got an email--well, I suppose it was sent a few days ago, but I wasn't able to check my email for a few days. It was from someone I was friendly with. It's happened before, people I thought were friends who actually didn't like me much. She sent me an email basically tearing me apart, telling me everything she doesn't like about me.
Honestly, it stressed me out. I was shaking, I felt anxious, I couldn't cope. I sent a short reply, but not very in-depth. And I tried to be polite.

But anyway, it's late. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.

08 September 2007


Part of my "rent" for living here is to help clean the house on my days off, which right now is Saturday (thank the gods my parents don't think Sunday's a proper day for cleaning).
So, I'm supposed to be downstairs cleaning the bathrooms and vaccuuming and Persephone-knows-what-else.
I don't think I'd mind as much if my room were finished. But it's not. There's still boxes all over my room (as opposed to in a neat pile in the middle of my room, because I set up my altar yesterday). And I really would like to get my room looking decent this weekend, because Monday, I'm starting all over with the most exhausting week ever. I'm just really tired.
Anyway, I should get to work. Woo-hoo.

05 September 2007

Tornado Weather

The weather here has been ridiculous. Yesterday there was serious tornado-weather. It didn't, of course, tornado, being in the middle of the mountains, but it was close. and all over the valley (both of them, now), the sky's half bright and clear and sunny, and half dark clouds and rain. It's ridiculous.
Anyway. I'm in my room, on my very own computer, using the internet. Can you tell the months and months of not having internet really sucked for me?
So, I'm really tired. I guess I didn't have much to say, just wanted to log on and say hey.

Have a muffin-licious day, my lovely muffins!

03 September 2007


Hey, it totally worked. I'm still on my dad's laptop, but I'm in my room. Right this second.
Tomorrow I'll set up my desktop, and I'll be in business.

Fucking A.

02 September 2007

Moved In

So, I've moved. I'm in Highland, UT, which is 40 minutes by car from my work and most of my friends (maybe 30 minutes from some of my other friends) . . . and I don't have a car. And the bus doesn't come this far south.
It's alright. I'm living in the "playhouse" -- the original owner built a two-story two-room building, detached from the house. The bottom part is storage. The top part is the "playhouse", where the original owner kept and played his instruments . . . I don't know what they were, but apparently, he was a musician.
It's filled with boxes and shit for now, but I'll unpack soon enough.
And as soon as I'm finished eating, I'll borrow my dad's laptop (which I am using right now) to see if I get a signal out there. It'd be awesome if I did . . .

Oh, I also got the idea to create a webcomic.
Plus: I love writing/stories. I love creating characters. I like and am decent at drawing/visual art. I've been thinking about comics/graphic novels/fan fiction/etc. for a while now.
Minus: I don't know that I could update every other day or every week or anything like that. I've not only thought about it for a while, I tried it. I started a website for fan fiction for my favorite TV show ever (when I was younger). (Okay, it was Sliders . . . ) I got three episodes written out. And then I dropped it. I still have all the notes from the fan fiction. I still have the stories. I unpublished the site because I wasn't updating. (But I still have all the information for it.)
So, I dunno. I'll keep thinking about it/working on characters and world and story, and maybe even working on character sketches . . .

So, anyway, soup's done, so I'm gonna go to my room and see if I have internet. I'll let you know if it works . . .
love, hugs and bloody muffins,
the wretched whore

27 August 2007

My Hectic Week

I'm moving in with my family this weekend. Not my ideal situation, but I'm low on cash, and my roommate's moving out soon. And I really am so effing tired of the living situation. (It's a basement apartment, and so is very dark; there's way too much water energy, so it floods; my roommate is suddenly Catholic, and his new girlfriend is vapid (and over all the time).)
But anyway, I need to finish packing by Wednesday, because I'm finally starting my new job on Thursday, so my dad's going to come and get most of the rest of my stuff Wednesday so we don't have to worry about it? Or something.
And did I mention that fact that my family lives in the ass-end of nowhere, and I have my life (job, friends, writing and gaming groups) where I'm living now? Or the fact that my family is moderately-to-highly (but not fanatically) religious/Christian, and that I am moderately-to-highly spiritual/Pagan, and they are going to want me to go to Church, and all that?

Anyway, I gotta go. I'm on a public computer (at least I'll be able to use my family's computer till I get a new Charger for my laptop (old one ruined by flooding in the kitchen) for internet), and my roommate needs his car soon.
Much love! (and bloody muffins)
the Opheliac, the wretched whore

23 August 2007

First Post

Nothing special here. I just have a new account, and so I need to post a "testing" post thingy . . . etc. I'm OCD, what can I say?