31 December 2008


Okay, my first goal was to make my BFS goals more manageable, so here's my attempt:

-produce a 2nd, or less rough, draft of my 2008 NaNo novel
-win NaNo 2009 (50,000 words in November 2009)
-make my bedroom look better: a real bed/futon, a better computer desk, more shelves
-learn to be more happy with life as I know it, find things to be grateful for or happy about ... more joy and more peace in my life
-create a women's retreat (OR the Fun version, below)
-Project 365: take a picture a day for one year

-sew a new wardrobe for myself: at least, three new pairs of pants (based on a pair I already have), one more corset for myself, two skirts, one shirt, and one pair of underwear (based on a pair I already have)
-sit down in front of the computer every day, to write or edit or think or plot
-practice violin every day
-learn to do "fancy stuff" with knitting
-finish the poetry CD project I started this year (which requires me to acquire recording equipment, even just GarageBand)
-spend time at a women's retreat (something like this)
-brush up on French and Russian (I'll define this more later, it's new)

-get a gods-damned job!
-sell artwork! in a gallery! (or a cafe, or something like that)
-start seriously paying off my debt

Love you all! Happy New Year!

Ring Out, Wild Bells

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.
Alfred Lord Tennyson

It's a song in my church hymnbook growing up, and it was my favorite song ever. The song doesn't have all the verses his poem does. It's a bit much, altogether, but I still like it. (I'll admit, I mostly like the paganness of the first verse.)
But it's still a truth: you need to let certain things die, you need to give death to things that are holding you back. I think this year I am giving death to my lack of trusting; I know this year is about connections, and healing. I put an ad on Craigslist looking for friends, because I need more, but also because this year I am reaching out, and connecting with people, and looking for healing in embracing others, and not turning away from them. We'll see how that goes. (I admit freely I can be a lousy friend ... but I'm working on it.)
(For those who know/are interested, I drew a single card for the new year (this was for Samhain), and I got the Queen of Cups, reversed.)

My first goal for the New Year is to make my goals slightly more goal-like. They say you're supposed to make goals tangible things, to make them more achievable, and right now I have things like "make a new wardrobe". Blah. What does that mean?
I also have to find a way to do my everyday things (like practicing the violin and writing) on Sundays, which even in November, I only wrote on one Sunday, and then not very much.
I also had, I think, two others that I had been thinking about, and didn't write down, and now I can't remember.
That sucks. Hopefully I'll remember them, though.

Anyway, love you all! Have a lovely New Year's Eve!

29 December 2008

Home again.

Just a brief update to say that I'm home again in my own home, and no longer hanging out with my family. I failed to see my aunts and uncle, which is sad, but ...
I've been practicing my violin a little, but I haven't been writing much. Blah.

But anyway ... I downloaded a bunch of rare Emilie Autumn songs from, and I'm in love.
I love Emilie Autumn.

Also, my little sister's guinea pigs had babies again (probably the first boy baby impregnated his mother, since the father's had his balls cut out), and there's a possibility I might take the new babies. It depends on a couple things, like money and whether or not I can get all the supplies, and stuff, but I really want an animal or two, and cats are right out, as my roommate is allergic. So, I was thinking about rats, but since there are guinea pigs that will need a home soon ... I'm just hoping they're both girls. (They could be both boys, and what I've read so far says that more than two boys tend to be territorial (implying that two boys is fine), but I just remember from my mice days that multiple females was considered preferable than multiple males, because multiple males would fight and be more smelly.)
So, we'll see.

Anyway, like I said, just a quick update. I love you all!

26 December 2008

One more Christmas update ...

Because I totally forgot!
Apparently, my Grandma knows Stephanie Meyer (who wrote Twilight), and Grandpa said that when I finish editing, etc., my novel, they can ask Stephanie Meyer for her agent's contact info, and that would be a serious networking leap for me.
So, I'm pretty much going to start on it as soon as I get back from my family's house.

The problem is ... while I was writing, I didn't have as much of a problem with it, because I was seriously just in the "write and don't worry about it" zone, but now ... I am seriously wondering if it's worthwhile at all. Blah.

Anyway, I love you all!!

25 December 2008


Happy Christmas.
I'm feeling better. (Thanks Nick!)

So, for explanations: I have three sisters (Emily, Brooks, and Libby), two brothers (Tyler and Joseph), and one "new" sister (Amia; she's a foreign exchange student living with my family for a year).
Tyler's doing a mission-thing for the LDS church currently, which means he was not here for Christmas.
So that's the people; plus my parents and grandparents (my dad's parents).

The traditions: Christmas Eve, we read about "the birth of Christ" in the Bible. We also do this Swedish tradition that I helped bring back to our family; my great-grandparents (on my dad's side) were Swedish (like, they came over from Sweden), and when they were alive and we had Christmas with them we did the "oolie-oolie-oolie-ay", which is the "we-don't-know-Swedish" version. It's an old Pagan custom, of course, adapted for Christianity and taken over by Santa Lucia, who is an Italian saint that got REALLY popular in Sweden for some reason, and the tradition involves the oldest girl-child wearing a crown of greens and candles (we use electric) and ringing bells, leading the rest of the family through every room of the house, singing and ringing the bells, to chase away the bad spirits and invite the good ones.
Papa and Mema were the only ones who really knew the song, though, so when they died, no one else could really do it anymore. So one Christmas, as a present to my dad, I talked to several family members, and got the music and the words and a rough phonetic pronounciation, and made the crown and the bells, and so now every year we do it.
(Long explanation, sorry.)
Also, we get pajamas every year on Christmas Eve (so we can sleep in them and wake up on Christmas in them), and an ornament every year--which, for the last two years, we've chosen names Secret Santa-style and made ornaments for each other. And we each open one present before going to bed.

So. For the Secret Santa, I got my sister Brooks, and Amia had me. I made Brooks a clay turtle ornament, because she loves turtles--and she LOVED it, which made me happy. Since we put all the ornaments on the tree, and then just pick them up and hand them to our person on Christmas Eve, I was looking at all the new ornaments, and there was this awesome Solstice-y one that was a gold ball, and a sun(flower) hanging from it (I'll post pictures once I'm back home), and that was my favorite (though there were other cool ones). And that was the one Amia had made for me! Which was awesome!
Our Christmas Eve presents, we usually open the present from our Secret Santa person, unless there's a reason not to (like I hadn't finished Brooks' corset yet, so she opened someone else's present), and Amia got me a REALLY nice copy of The Mists of Avalon--which is an AMAZING book!

Then, in the morning, we do the rest of the presents.
It was gratifying, because everyone really liked my presents. I got Joseph a play-dough set; Libby got a locking diary (to go inside the hollow book I got her for her birthday); Brooks of course got her corset (or, will get as soon as I'm finished); Amia got cute earrings with snowflakes on them (she's from Bolivia and Colombia and hasn't seen a lot of snow until getting here, so she loves things with snow); and I got Emmy a CD that took FOREVER to find (Remember That I Love You, by Kimya Dawson).
So that part was awesome.
Emmy got me a GORGEOUS bottle and Brooks got me an AWESOME wind-chime thingy.
I also got a super-suvvy (soft&fuzzy) robe and new slippers (my old ones were dying).
But the best presents were an air popper (for popcorn), which makes me SOOO happy (I LOVE popcorn), and a violin, which I didn't ask for, which makes it even better, in a way.
The violin was my mom's, for a while, when she was younger. So that's really cool. She also got me a book and a CD and things like a shoulder rest and rosin and useful violin-y things.
It makes me super-happy. It also means that my goal of learning to play the violin this year will be a LOT easier.

So, anyway, that was Christmas.
Our other tradition is to go see a movie in the evening; we saw Bedtime Stories, which I liked more than I thought I would.

On a quick non-Christmas-related note: I think my relationships-situations are looking up slightly. At least, I've had conversations with my complicated, and we've talked about things, which helps. (And I got to talk about the boy who doesn't like me enough, which made me feel a little better about it.)

Anyway, I'm less depressed/worried than I was before, so yay.
Happy Christmas. I love you all.

Gods Rest Ye Unitarians
(sung to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen)
Gods rest ye Unitarians
Let nothing you dismay
Remember there's no evidence,
There was a Christmas Day
When Christ was born is just not known
No matter what they say
Oh, tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact
Oh tidings of reason and fact

There was no Star of Bethlehem,
There was no angel song.
There couldn't have been three wise men;
The trip would take too long.
The stories in the Bible are
Historically wrong
Oh, tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact
Oh tidings of reason and fact

Our current Christmas customs come
From Persia and from Greece
From solstice celebrations of
The ancient Middle East
The whole damn Christmas spiel is just
Another pagan feast
Oh, tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact
Oh tidings of reason and fact

23 December 2008


I've been home for all of ten seconds, and already I'm depressed.
I get to sleep on the couch because "I don't know where else to put her" (and I quote). I get to find my own pillows and blankets (and the house is freezing, as always), and there's no blinds on the HUGE window in the family room, so it's a good thing I remembered my eye mask thing. And of course my brother's going to want to watch TV at like 7 in the morning ...

Blah. I'm depressed. If it weren't for the fact that my aunts and uncle were coming in on Saturday, I would absolutely say right now that I'm leaving ASAP, which would be Friday. But they are, so I'm only seriously considering it, instead of deciding.

I'm so fucking tired of this shit.

But I love you all ...

22 December 2008


So, I made a corset recently, for myself (the picture is it), and I'm currently making a corset for my sister for her Christmas present (a picture is forthcoming).
After making my corset, and doing the photoshoot with my friend Cecil, he said that I should make clothes and sell them, because he was WAY excited about the clothes I had made, and the way I was able to cobble together outfits out of existing clothes and scraps of fabric, etc.
So, I was at a fabric store yesterday buying ribbon for the trim for my sister's corset, and the lady who was helping me was asking about my project, so I told her a bit about it all, and she said that so many people come into the store looking to make a corset and get discouraged when they learn how complicated it is, and do I sell them?

So, two prompts in the same direction are enough for me. I talked to my friend Lisa last night, and she gave me lots of ideas about where to advertise that I make corsets, like Ren Faires and there's a Shakespeare Festival somewhere in Utah that's apparently HUGE, and clubs and shows where drag queens hang out (because apparently a friend of hers makes corsets, and has been approached by drag queens who wanted corsets for their shows), etc.
I'm REALLY excited about it. It's gonna have to wait till at least after Christmas, but more specifically, after I'm done with my sister's corset.

Anyway, I'm way excited about it. I'll let you all know how it goes ...
Love you all!

21 December 2008


Happy Solstice everyone! Yay!

I just wish I'd gotten more sleep last night, and/or that I'd actually DONE something for Solstice.
I've got gaming today, which I will head to shortly, so I can't actually do much today, although I did do my full daily reading of cards (I have three different decks I do stuff with, and on good days, I draw one card from each). Ideally, I'd like to do a full (multi-card) reading with my Tarot deck, but alas. I have not the time. Maybe I can do it tonight, or tomorrow morning.
Anyway. I'll figure something out.

In other news: things are getting increasingly ... interesting, in the relationship arena for me, mostly because I have no clue what the hells I want. (I admit, it doesn't help that most of the people I get involved with don't seem to know what they want, either ... )
I'm still "pining over" someone who's clearly not that into me, and I'm getting tangled up in something that is best described as 'complicated'.
What I want is to not continue making the same choices over again. That's all I want. Gods, why is it so hard?

I'm probably not going to be writing today, because I went to bed around 2:30am, and got up around 8:30 because I absolutely had to, and I have to leave soon to go to game.
However, it counts if I do "writerly stuff", so I'll try to do something along those lines on the bus today ... maybe I'll work out a plot-like thing while sewing the buttonhole stitches on my sister's corset.
I'll have to take pictures of it once I'm done. (Note to self: bring camera and cord to family's house for Christmas ... )

Alright, I gotta go. I love you all!!!
Have a wonderful Midwinter!

19 December 2008


I LOVE singing!
My family didn't end up making it to the Solstice singing, because of the awful weather, but that's okay.
It was amazing, and I wish I had the ability to make a recording of us, and put it on the blog, but alas.
But anyway, I've really missed singing with the choir, so I'll probably join up again after New Year's. People in the Solstice choir kept asking me if I was going to join up again.
But I loved it. It made me so happy to be singing again.

Also, I've added two new goals to my Big Fun Scary Goals, and I made a thingy on the right that lists them all, so I can keep track of them.
The new goals: Project 365, which is take a picture every day for a year. I've started up a new blog just for that (so as not to overrun the personal blog with the project, but I will post some pictures), and I'll put the address in here somewhere as soon as it's viable. Also, start seriously paying off my debts. I wasn't going to make that a goal, but ... it needs to happen. So.
Progress Report: the only thing to report on is that I've written or done writerly things every day since Wednesday, so that's three days in a row. (Yesterday I made a private blog for my writings, so when I'm visiting my family for the holidays I can still write every day, since my laptop's out of commission ... it counts as a writerly thing.)

Anyway, love you all!

18 December 2008


The Office of Letters and Light (NaNoWriMo) presents:
The Year of Doing Big, Fun, Scary Things Together
Chris Baty says: "The Big, Fun, Scary Adventure Challenge works like this: All of us come up with a list of things that we've long dreamed about doing, making, or being. These can be hard-nosed acts of practical skill-acquisition, such as becoming a ninja and learning to kill people with one's eyebrows. Or they can be fantastical notions such as going back to school and getting a degree in business administration."
So, I'm picking out some goals, and listing them here, under the headings of Big, Fun, or Scary. Feel free to comment with your own BFS goals. I'm also going to try to keep up with my progress and stuff. I've got a lot.

-rewrite, revise and edit my 2008 NaNo novel
-win NaNo 2009!
-get furniture (a real bed, or at least a futon, instead of mattresses on the floor, maybe more shelves, a better computer desk, etc.)
-find a way to live a life I like better than the one I have (no matter what) (I stole this word-for-word from someone else. More specifically, for me: while it's partly about improving my life in some way (getting a better job than what I've been having, or improving my surroundings somehow), it's also about being more happy with life as I know it, finding things to be grateful for or happy about ... more joy and more peace)
-spend time at/create a women's retreat (We'Moon has something)

-sew a new wardrobe for myself
-write every day (or at least sit down in front of the computer, or work on ideas, or something writerly)
-learn violin
-learn to do fancy stuff with knitting
-finish the poetry CD project I started this year (this means finding someone who has recording equipment ... I was borrowing my sister's GarageBand, but then I moved)

-get a gods-damned job!
-sell artwork! in a gallery! (or a cafe, or something like that)

Love you all!

Holidays and stuff

First of all, happy Solstice! It's coming up soon. (I'll probably post something specifically for that, though, so ... )
To any friends who are in the area and read this and who I haven't told yet: I'm singing on Friday (tomorrow) at the Unitarian Church (1300 E 600 S, roughly) at 6pm, there's a Solstice service, it'll be fun. Come! Hear me sing! You know, if you can.

Umm, but I'm really excited about that. I haven't done choir stuff in a while, so it's exciting for me.

Also, I'm starting a writing project of faerie stories. I'm borrowing heavily from White Wolf's Changeling: the Lost for now, but that's just to make it easier to just write. I'll edit it later and make up my own stuff, but it'll continue to be influenced by C:tL, because it's an AMAZING game!! (I've been reading the book so I know how cool it is and whether or not it's worth playing, because my Sunday Storyteller wants nothing to do with it, and I think that's bollocks. Especially having read part of the book.)
But anyway, I'm not entirely certain what form the writing project will take; I started thinking it would be a series of short stories, but I started putting words down, and now I'm not certain. Maybe it'll still be a series of short stories, but that are more connected than I was originally thinking. Who knows?
But I'm excited about that.

Also, back to the Solstice singing: I told my family about it, and my dad called me last night looking for slightly more details, because they had another thing to go to that night, and .... the shocking part was, my dad was wondering if they should cancel the other thing entirely, or if they would be able to do both!
This is a shock to me, because I was traumatized in my childhood by my mother choosing to go to a Garth Brooks concert instead of my choir concert ... it was very sad for me, and I guess taught me to expect that sort of thing to continue happening, so I'm very happy that my family's coming to hear me sing. I just wish that some of my other family members were going to be showing up sooner, so they could come, too. (Like, my sister's coming into town on Saturday ... I can't remember when my grandparents are coming, but probably not tomorrow ... and the rest of my family isn't coming until after Christmas, so ... )

But anyway ... I'm poor as fuck, by the way, which sucks ass.
We'll see how that goes. I guess I just need to get another shitty job (something I'd been avoiding) that still gives me enough time to write. I really do want to fix up the couple stories I have so I can try selling them ... It would be nice to get a couple rejection slips. I'll feel like a real writer then.

08 December 2008


It's snowing outside.
The weather lately has been strange. In late October/early November, it felt like September. In late November/early December, it felt like October. First snow of the year was in early-to-mid October, and it was followed by September-like weather.
Far from being excited about the nice weather, I have grown increasingly worried. I looked out at my garden, wondering if it was going to snow soon, so the ground would be ready come spring. (Technically, it's not a garden yet, but I still think of it as my garden.)
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who expressed similar feelings about the weather; she said we were fucking up the earth, and while I don't normally feel like we humans can actually have a lasting effect on the world and the planet (which is not to say we shouldn't take care of it, because it's just lazy to not clean up after yourself), I am starting to wonder.

Today, it started snowing, and instead of feeling disappointed, like, Oh, I hate snow (because I get sick of it, like everyone else), or even saying, Oh, how pretty, my reaction was, Thank the gods. I felt relieved that it had started snowing.
I keep looking out the window, just looking at the snow, glad that it's snowing.

Happy Winter, everyone. Take care of the earth and take care of yourself. I love you all.

27 November 2008

hey, it's a holiday ...

First, important news flash: I was NOT depressed yesterday! Yay!

But it's Thanksgiving, which is a "family" holiday, and it's the first Thanksgiving EVER where I'm not spending it with some version of family (the best was probably when I was with Nick, and I spent it with HIS family, because I actually liked his family).
That's the thing. I'd be depressed if I was spending the day with my family (or worse, if I was spending the weekend with my family) because they'd manage to make known to me all the ways in which I am a disappointment--or they would ignore me, either way.

But the only plan I have for Thanksgiving is something later tonight where I'm likely to know one person, and meanwhile all of my friends are off frolicking with their families, and I'm effing depressed.

I fucking hate holidays. Or at least Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year's ... it's the time of year I am most forcibly reminded that, for the most part, no one really sees me ...

24 November 2008

Still Somewhat Depressed

But not so lonely. That's fine. Depressed is pretty much par for the course, for me. So I'm all good, there.
I'm also at the place that I predicted in my last update: my story is done, and my words have not yet run out. I mean, it's not done-done, there's wrapping up stuff to accomplish, but I can't write that right now.
On the plus side, I seem to averaging about 3,000 words a day, for the past little while, which means I don't have to push myself too hard to get to 50,000 by Sunday, or even Saturday. (Saturday is preferable, because that means I can play on Sunday.)
I'm running low on inspiration, though. I dunno, I've been like that all month; NaNoWriMo predicts certain times of elation and certain times of frustration and dragging feet (Week One is awesome, Week Two is hard, etc.). But I've had an awful slog the whole month, except for the 15th, on which I wrote 6.5K in one day. That was cool. Lots of shit happened.

Anyway. Still depressed, like I said. So this will be short, and I'll try to force myself to write some more. My goal for the day was to hit 40,000, which is about 6,700 words, but if I write just a little more, I can get 4,000 words today, which would be decent.

Sorry I'm so focused on my novel. Next month, I swear, I'll talk about something else.
I love you all.

21 November 2008


I don't really have anything to update with.
Life is being difficult, lately. I'm so gods-damned lonely, sometimes. I think at least part of that is that I'm so fucking isolated. I see people on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Occasionally I see my roommate.
This is why I could never live alone--and I'm not living alone.
But the Wednesday game might move to Tuesdays (which means I couldn't go to that CoDA meeting I haven't started attending, but ... ), which means I'll have Wednesdays, and if I can get off my ass/out of my fucking house, then I can go to that knitting night and the women-only class/night at the SLC Bicycle Collective on alternating Wednesdays. So that will be another--activity.
I need fucking friends. I need people that I see for purely social events. Preferably women friends. I don't have any of those (Britta, I miss you more than ever, right now--and I agree, a photoshoot with you would have kicked ASS! If one of us can get up to visiting the other, we'll have to plan something). (To be more accurate: I have three very good women friends that I see once per week, for an activity. Very little socializing.)
And Cecil, my other friend who I actually see and hang out with (and is male, but NOT interested in me, which makes him almost as good as a woman) is leaving soon. Which will be awesome for him, but ...

I apologize. I think I'm depressed. I also haven't written a gods-damned thing yet today, which is bad.

I'm listening to Laura Marling; a gift from an old lover. I'd never listened to her before, but found the CD today and started listening. It's kind of amazing. I don't "feel" all of her songs, but there's a few that really speak to me.

Also, I'm making a role-playing game. So far it's called Splinter Worlds. It's mostly a White Wolf/d10 system, with some changes, and the world is my own (of course), which is heavily influenced by the World of Darkness, but with a Rifts/TORG twist to it. Or something.
Eventually, once all the rules are sorted out in my head and such, I'll make all my gaming friends play it--so if you play RPGs and are my friend, then you've been warned.

Also, I'm writing. I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month, which means I have to write 50,000 by the end of this month. I'm over halfway by now, but like I said, today has not been a writing day.
But so far, I have a plot, I have several characters, I have a fascinating world (which is actually similar to my Splinter Worlds world, but much simpler--or rather, I haven't really defined in my book where the magic comes from, and I have in the game), and I have a lot of words, a lot of which are very bad, and some of which are very good.
Umm, it's a fantasy (shocking, I know . . . ), and there's magic and other creatures (vamps, 'shifters--which are basically werecreatures), and there's war. And a couple subplots are creeping in at the last second, so that's good.
The bad is that I'm a little over halfway through my words, and I'm coming up on the culminating event. I figure, though, once I hit the end of the story, if I don't have 50,000 words yet, I can go back and fill some stuff in, maybe flesh out my subplots so they exist earlier, something like that.

Anyway, I'm going to go, and maybe write. Or something.
I love you all.

And if you swear that you're alright,
I'm not gonna try and change your mind.
Cause the same night I dream that I lose you I'll fall in love
And oh honey don't let me walk away from this
If I'm trying to fuck up my own life,
Then until I figure out why,
I think it's best you keep your distance
Lest I fall in love.
Old Stone, Laura Marling

And I’m sorry young man, I cannot be your friend.
I don’t believe in a fairytale end
I don’t keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind
My Manic and I, Laura Marling

If I feel God judging me,
Well I fell into the water, now I’m free.
My friends they don’t really get me,
think I’m the only one
Well I sold my soul to Jesus and since then I've had no fun
The Captain and the Hourglass, Laura Marling

19 November 2008



There's more pictures at, and the photographer can be found at

It was TONS of fun, by the way. I really like modeling. I got to dress up--the corset is something I made, the skirt was modified with lots of safety pins and some tulle and some padding to make it puffy--and put on crazy makeup and do my hair REAL crazy, and it was just FUN.
Plus, honestly, I think that modeling is a more healthy outlet for my self-centered/attention-needy tendencies. MUCH better than trying to find a boy who will pay attention to me.

Anyway, I've got nearly 23,500 words (of the 50,000 needed for National Novel Writing Month), so I'm going to finish up my web-trawling and attention-whoring, and go back to writing.
Much love to you all!!!

31 October 2008

Happy Hallowe'en!

I apologize greatly for my undue absence.
There were a lot of factors involved, including lack of internet, lack of motivation, lack of sanity, and too much guilt over having not updated in so long to be able to even look at my blog.

But here I am, and the reason I'm here is because of Facebook.
I have decided that I can no longer bad-mouth Facebook, as I am now talking to two very good friends of mine that I had completely lost touch with and despaired of ever talking to again, because of Facebook.
I am also getting bombarded by people I don't feel a need to be in constant contact with, but such is the way of the internet. Anyway. Through a variety of people from my conservative upbringing, I was introduced to the Facebook application Causes, and in particular, the (something like) Protect the Sanctity of Marriage and Family (insert rude gesture on my part here) Cause.
For some reason, someone who evidently did NOT notice the flashing red lights screaming Pagan on my information page thought I would be interested.
Since I have been having these thoughts for quite some time (ever since I learned what the issue ostensibly was in this debate), I thought I would share them here:
The position of this fine organization is:

1. That marriage is not a contract between two entities, rather it is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God.
2. The family consists of a mother, father and children, and that the family is the basic and most important unit of society.
3. Tolerance of those who believe differently is important, but we must not abandon our standards or our beliefs.

What I wrote on Facebook:

1. That marriage is not a contract between two entities, rather it is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God.

If marriage is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God, then why are you allowing the U.S. Government (an entity, and certainly not God, nor even verifiably backed by God) to mess with it?
Why is marriage too sacred to be considered a contract between two human beings, but is not too sacred to become a contract between two individuals and the U.S. Government, as well as God?
If marriage is between me and God, as stated above, then why can't you let it be between me and God? Why do you have to try to get the Goverment involved? Why do you have to get involved?
To be quite honest, I respect religion and God and the sacred union between two people too much to want the Goverment to have anything to do with any of it. Or anyone else. Because what's between me and God is between me and God, and not anyone else.

It's rather short, and I don't address all three issues, but I was also interested in just writing something concise and non-offensive. I will perhaps return to the issue (on Facebook, because I'm definitely going to return to the issue in my own thoughts, which might mean here, since I seem to be returning to my blog) at a later date.
For now, I am going to buy ingredients to make baked apples to share with my friends at an All Hallow's Eve feast and seance.
I might even throw together a costume.

Happy Hallowe'en, everyone!

31 March 2008

Chicago Weather

Oh, my gods, the weather today has been what I've missed in Utah. It's the clean-world just-rained feel, the way the world smells like it's just been washed clean by the rain. I can feel the moisture in the air, and the temperature's just right, cool but nothing extreme. It's amazing.

Also, I just finished my first day (at work)! Woo-hoo!
It was pretty cool.

On the unfortunately side, stupid things have happened with our internet, namely, that Comcast is acting like we've talked to them, when we haven't yet, and they've given us a page that we can't navigate around. It doesn't matter what I do, the page just sits there, saying, Welcome to Comcast!
So, I'm at a library computer. Woot.
And I hate Comcast anyway, and I hate the stupid fucking internet companies a hellalot, but Comcast especially. I really like stealing internet from my neighbors. That was nice.
The most annoying thing about Comcast is that they expect you to want cell phones, internet and cable all at the same time, and guess what ... I DON'T! I already have a cell phone, thank you, and my sister and I voted unanimously to not have a TV. At all. We watch movies on her computer. So what good would cable do us? I'm quite content to not watch TV.
Meh. So, eventually we'll get that figured out. But it's stupid.

24 March 2008

Oh, my gods, Cafepress

Hey, guess what? I checked out my Cafepress account for the first time in forever, and I've sold 12 things! They have this thing where they don't pay the vendor until after the money-back guarantee time period is over, so I won't get paid till probably next month, but I've got $27!
Granted, that's not very much, but it's $27 for two shirts that have the alphabet on it, with 'tea' instead of 't', and ten bags with a really simple manipulation on it. (One guy bought ten bags ... ). You know, so, what, 5 minutes of work altogether? Maybe a bit more. But still.
That's pretty gods-damned exciting.


I feel myself falling into a funk.
The big thing: when moving, there was just SO MUCH that I couldn't handle it all, I couldn't cope. In the end, I took a bunch of things that I wanted to keep but didn't feel that I needed right away, put them in boxes, and put them in the storage shed.
After being in Chicago for a while, I remembered them, and asked my mom about them, because part of my inability to cope was an inability to talk much with my parents (but that's fairly par for the course with my relationship with them). So I finally asked her about them (via email), and she said that they had cleared out the storage shed to make room for the chickens they recently got (Gods know why), and they got rid of all my stuff that was there.
There was a rain stick Nick had gotten for me as a present (that I hadn't known how to pack) that he'd gotten from this fair trade store that I really loved, along with a rainstick I'd made myself at a Pagan thing. There was my staff that I had made and decorated myself; I learned how to draw knotwork for it, and inscribed it with the Ogham symbol for Rowan. It was one of the big things that still sort of conencted me to my Druid group. There were photographs, godsdammit. Photos of me as a child, back when I still thought I was cute. There were TONS of photos. There was a really nice pot that mom gave me. I'm still remembering what was there, because I can't remember it all.
And mom probably didn't even glance through them. She just fucking threw them away.

It's slightly better now. I knew I had to mourn my things, the loss of so many objects that meant something to me, but I couldn't.
I have so much trouble feeling, I'm so fucking numb all the fucking time, that I couldn't mourn that loss. Writing this has helped slightly. Also, I'm visiting myRECOVERYspace account for the first time in a while, and that's a good impulse, too.
I've started attending CoDA meetings. And I was feeling so dead inside, so unable to think about anything because of how it made me feel, and I was sitting there thinking, what the hell can I do? Go to a meeting? It's not like I'm an alcoholic. There are AA meetings all the fucking time. Hell, I'm just lucky there are two CoDA groups within walking distance of my house (and more all over the city), as opposed to one fucking group in the entire fucking valley, like in Utah. (And on the same night as the one thing I wasn't going to give up, my writing group.)
That is, of course, a big reason why I moved to Chicago.

But anyway.
Oh--and speaking of my dear mother: Hi mom! Welcome to my blog! I say the word FUCK a lot, and I talk about a lot of inappropriate things--I think it's due to my unhealthy boundaries. If you haven't checked out my on-line portfolio, where I post Artistic Nudes, you really should. (Too bad you can't see them without having an account with dA) There's a list of all of the things I do and care about to your right.

That's right; apparently, my mom Google'd my name (my legal name) and found my Facebook account (the only thing that my name leads to, I'm pleased to say, excepting a forum I was part of in high school, where I, with no worries at all, posted my legal name and my age, which would have been enough for anyone who wanted a nice, trusting little 16-year-old girl). My Facebook account, for some reason, had a link to this blog and my deviantART page. (Well, it was because I wanted my coworkers to be able to see my art and stuff, because they were cool--they were, in fact, the only reason I signed up for Facebook, and the only reason Facebook is in my legal name.)
She told my sister that she was sending me an article that she found in the Reader's Digest about how one should keep one's blog, email address, probably voice mail, etc., completely impersonal, bland, drone-like, and Appropriate, because apparently there's this outbreak of potential employers "Googl'ing" their potential employees, and as my mom said to my sister, "I saw her blog, and I don't think I would hire her."
Good thing for me I'm not trying to work for my mom. Good thing my mom is not the original mold for humankind.
I don't know if she'll come back to see this, though. She might, she might not. (Yes, that's how well I know my own mother.)
But in case she does: Don't worry, mom, I changed my Facebook account so now only people who are my "Friends" can see the link to my blog and dA account. And no "potential employer" is going to be my "Friend". (Also, I'm just curious, did you hijack Tyler or Brooks' Facebook account? (Does Brooks even have a Facebook account? I know Tyler does.) Because you couldn't have seen those links without being logged in, and I know you don't have a Facebook account.)
I'm also thinking about getting those links off for good, or getting rid of my Facebook account for good. Because honestly, I don't really like Facebook that much. And also, I have a bit of a problem with the collision of my legal name and my chosen name, like that, especially on-line.

In other news, I have a job.
I haven't started yet, my new boss is going to call me this week about setting up a training schedule and all that, but it's a job. And the pay isn't that great, and the (amount of) hours aren't that great, but it's a job.
So that's decent-ish. (And of course I'm going to be still looking for another job.)
Oh, and the interview was AWESOME! We sat down in her back room, and she asked me a bunch of questions that were on the application (because she'd lost the application in rearranging the store), like, "So, have you read Harry Potter?" "Which was your favorite book?" (No shit, those questions were on the application.)
And then she proceeded to tell me things about the Harry Potter world that JK Rowling has apparently released, but not put in the little Epilogue at the end of #7--like that Harry is Head of the Auror office, and that Ron is also an Auror (and that neither of them had to go through the training, etc., having gotten rid of the most powerful Dark wizard ever), and that Hermione is some kind of magical lawyer (or does something with the law), and that James' middle name is Sirius, and that Neville Longbottom married Susan Bones.
And then she would ask me about my gift-wrapping skills (also on the application). Then she would tell me (like it wasn't an interview, but rather a mini-training session) that commercial gift-wrapping is more difficult than normal wrapping, because the wrapping paper is thicker.
After we chatted about the fact that she, the assistant manager, and myself were all Cancers, her dog, her partner (whom I met, she interrupted the interview, and recommended books for me to read), and the fact that she was doing a Tarot reading at three, and that way why she kept looking at her watch, she said, well, I'll call you sometime next week to set up a time for you to come in for training. If I don't call before Wednesday, then I've lost your application again, and you'd better call.
It was like she had decided before I ever got there, or maybe shortly after. Maybe it was because her asst. manager liked me, or because I came back to check on my application and left a note because she wasn't in (Hi, I came in to check up on my application. How's it doing?). Or whatever. But she knew she was going to hire long before we started talking about Harry Potter and gift-wrapping.

Anyway, this is getting long enough. So I'll sign out for now.
Love you all!!

13 March 2008


Hey! I'm in Chicago!
I'm totally not in the mood to go through everything that went on while I was MIA, but suffice it to say that moving was horrific, and now here I am! We still don't have internet of our very own, but we will get around to it soon, I expect. So until then, and until I get a job, I will do what I can to make sure I update frequently.

Anyway! Sorry, this is going to be short. But I love you all!

14 February 2008

Happy V-Day

I find that I have to categorize, box, label things.
It manifests in my physical/daily life in the way that I have to have a Knitting Bag. I have to have separate baskets for each of my crafts (jewelry, clay, wood, leather, etc.). And recently, I had a Sunday Gaming Bag that had my Sunday gaming stuff in it, separate from my Tuesday gaming stuff (I did use the same dice and pencil, though, and on Tuesdays and Sundays, had to make sure the dice and pencil were in the right spot). I had a binder for Sunday gaming and a clipboard for Tuesday gaming. I had a separate clipboard for Writing Group on Thursdays. My purses are always large and complicated, with lots of pockets for holding specific things--the velcro pocket in the back for a book or notebook, the zippered pocket in the front for my tissues (I'm allergic to dust and certain animal fur, which means I'm sniffling constantly), the top velcro'd pouch for my coin bag, the bottom velcro'd pouch for my chapstick, nail clippers, lighter, etc. There was a pocket for bus schedules, not to be confused with the pocket for receipts which was right behind the spot I used for my checkbook and the little notebook I use to keep track of what I spend.

And I hate packing because I have to jumble things together in one big box. I have to take certain things (wallet, lotion, etc.) out of my purse and put my purse in a suitcase, because the train only allows a certain number of baggage, which means I need my backpack, not my purse. (My purse won't hold the number of books I want to take with me, nor will it hold my knitting--because I don't have a Knitting Bag yet.)

Anyway. My sister hasn't gotten back to me about anything yet. So I still don't know anything really.

Also, happy V(agina)-Day.

13 February 2008

Moving soon?

Moving drama!
I'll have more updates tomorrow, but I just wanted to say:
There's apparently no heat and no water in our apartment, and we're not sure when it'll be livable.
I've got a train ticket and I'm tired of putting the move off. I mean, I could use the extra time (if I got Amtrak to exchange my ticket for a different date) to go through the rest of my stuff and decide what I can toss, so I have less to ship. But I'm so tired of this.
My parents are driving me nuts, I quit my job so I'm not making any extra money, and I just want to get to Chicago.

Anyway. It's my sister's birthday today. (The one I'm moving in with) Happy Birthday, Sis!!!!
(I really wanted to be in Chicago for her birthday, grrrr)

Well, I'm signing off for the moment. Have a lovely day, everyone.

09 February 2008

Moving soon ...

Quick update:
I'm to be moving soon. It was supposed to be today.

Yesterday, I found out that people under 25 can't rent big cars (vans, SUVs, station wagons, and the like). Actually, Avis would have let me (and Hertz might have, had they any available cars), but it was pricey. But my original reservation with Alamo did me no good, because I couldn't rent the car I wanted, and they didn't have anything else.
Six months! I'll be 25 in six months, does the birthday really matter?

So after some serious frustration, I went home and my mom suggested taking the train (a.k.a. Amtrak). So I looked it up, and it's super-cheap, although I'll have to ship things, and I tried getting ready to leave for today, but no-go.

I've been so stressed. I hate moving.

27 January 2008


So, when I shaved my head, I stopped shaving. Officially. I hadn't shaved my legs for months before that, but that was just laziness. I also hadn't shaved my pubic region for years before that, but that was an isolated decision, different from stopping shaving entirely.
Now that I'm not shaving my head anymore, I feel like shaving again. Just my legs and armpits.
I don't know what to do with this.

Also, due to an unpleasant interpersonal encounter, whenever I shower, I scrub my armpits at least three times. Today I found that my skin was peeling there.

Gods, I hate the things we do for aesthetics ...

(During that same unpleasant interpersonal encounter, I was told that it was unhygienic not to shave--NO, women shave for aesthetic reasons, not hygienic. If we shaved for hygiene, men would shave, too.)

21 January 2008

Holy Fucking Snow

My gods, it's like an Arctic Adventure outside.
The snow is--no shit--a foot deep, give or take a few inches, for variation.

It's ridiculous. And it's a gods-damned good thing I don't work today.

And yet, I left my room in a thin short-sleeved shirt, an unbuttoned coat, no gloves, scarf or hat, unlaced snow boots (for ease in taking off/putting on), and my hands not even in my pockets.
I went to the back door, tried it, knocked, waited, then had to go around to the front door and unlock that (I have a key to the front door, but not the back), and my cheeks were slightly chilly.
I love/hate the weather here, the same as I love/hate the weather in Chicago. I don't know which is better.


I'm reading Othello.
My brother has a book of "Four Great Tragedies" (NOT including Romeo and Juliet) that I borrowed yesterday to make my Best Safety Lies in Fear shirt ... I took several lines from the scene (in Hamlet) where Laertes tells Ophelia that Hamlet may say that he loves her, and "Perhaps he loves you now", but not to actually believe him or pin any hopes on him. I painted the lines on the shirt with fabric paint, and left the book on the counter.
So, I went into the house to go to the bathroom, and decided that I should eat something while I was there--and I was like, Gee, I'd really like to read something while I eat, but I don't really want to trudge through the snow to my room and back just for a book--so I picked up the Shakespeare book to read Othello, because it came after Hamlet, and Hamlet was first, and I've already read Hamlet. (After Othello is King Lear, which I haven't read, and then MacBeth, which I read in school, and so technically, haven't read.)

Anyway. Much love.

15 January 2008


The official move date is the second weekend of February. We don't have a place yet, but my sister is checking out a couple places this week, including one on Shakespeare Ave., which would just about be the coolest thing ever!
I still need to tell work (and a few friends) that I'm moving, but I am so ready for a fresh start. Something new.

I pull a Tarot card every morning, as a simple divination, and a couple days ago I got the Three of Wands, which generally indicates travel, success in ventures, etc. However, my deck, the DruidCraft Deck, depicts a man standing in the foreground with three willow saplings growing out of the ground, looking out into the background, which is uninhabited countryside.
When the Celts wanted to start a new community, or move, the community would send some people on ahead to plant willow, because it grows so damn fast. The rest of the community would show up a little later and use the willow they'd planted to make their houses.
So this card is the move, or the preparing for the move.

Three of Wands also refers to a venture or project which brings three factors together, so I pulled three cards: The High Priestess (the Divine Feminine, intuition, and specifically, the path I am on right now, which involves recovery from addiction); Three of Cups (friendship, companionship, specifically my relationship with my sister, because we haven't always been friends); and Ace of Pentacles reversed (my shitty money situation, which led me to living with my family which allowed me to save enough money to actually do this, because I've been wanting to move to Chicago for a while, but never had the means).
I thought that was pretty fucking awesome.

I can't remember if I mentioned the "Pagan-flavored but secular 12-step group" in Chicago that I really want to join when I get there.

But anyway, I'm borrowing my friend's computer, and he just came back from showering, so I'll stop ignoring him and hang out.
Love you all!!!!!!!

12 January 2008

My mom's playing Shania Twain ...

... and I'm about to off myself.

I'm only in the main house because the internet connection is stronger here, and I really want some better ringtones for my new phone. Like Emilie Autumn. Or perhaps Rasputina.
Speaking of Emilie Autumn and Rasputina, I just came across a CD put together by Emilie Autumn, one of the chicks from Rasputina, and some other people, entitled Attrition: All mine enemys whispers. It's the story of a Victorian mass murderer, Mary Ann Cotton, who poisoned 20 of her children/partners.
My gods, it sounds amazing!
Release date is in late March, and there was no price listed, yet, so I can't even pre-order it yet. But it comes with reproduction stickers of original Victorian poison bottle labels. How cool is that?

Anyway, plans for Chicago are moving swiftly towards the me-ending-up-in-Chicago-very-soon direction.
I basically have to figure out how much money I'll need to get there, and to pay for first rent and all that shit, and figure out when I'll have that much, and Emily (my sister) needs to find us a place to live. Then I'm good to go.
Good thing I haven't been working on Saturdays lately. More time to pack.

Anyway. Love you all, more updates when I get them. I need to buy some ringtones, shower, and escape to my bedroom for some darkwave victoriandustrial musically orgasmic deliciousness.


01 January 2008

Happy New Year!

It's 2008!
And my New Year's Eve was pretty freaking awesome.

My sisters are talking about New Year's Resolutions. I haven't come up with one. Maybe I'll think about it.

But certain New Year's goals are:
To move out of this F-ing house. (Possibly to Chicago)
To see a doctor, and get my thyroid fixed.
To de-clutter, get rid of as much of my crap as I can.

Anyway, here's hoping your New Year's are everything you want them to be.
Love you all!