Happy Solstice!

Many apologies to any who reads this ... November was, of course, insane, but I didn't expect December to whiz by so quickly. Of course, I did volunteer to help with a few things, but still ...
This will have to be short, as I'm waiting for a ride to the rehearsal for tonight's Solstice Celebration at the UU church.

So, first! Happy Solstice! It's Midwinter! The Long Cold Dark is half over already. Unfortunately, the second half always seems a lot longer and colder, if not exactly darker, than the first half.

Second! I've discovered that I can't eat wheat. /sadface/ It gives me headaches, and probably contributes to my other crap, so ... I'm off wheat. Currently, I'm in the detoxing phase. Once that's through, I can start playing with amounts of wheat, like if trace or incidental amounts of wheat bother me, or if it's just things like bread. We'll see.

I think that's about all for now. I'm sure there's more I could say, but I'll need to be going Real Soon Now, so I'll sign off for now.
Love you all!

November is Here!

Holy Rusted Metal, Batman!
The first week of November is drawing to a close, and my, has it been nuts!
Hallowe'en was a GOOD day, filled with sewing and friends and feasting and serious emotion. THEN, instead of writing frantically on November 1st, or even going to game, as it was a Sunday, I spent The Entire Day sewing, because I had a concert to go to. And not just any concert: Emilie Autumn was in town, boys and girls.
It was amazing. I made a corset, bloomers, etc. I bought boots that kick ass. (I have pictures of all of this, but alas, my computer refuses to recognize my camera, and thus will not upload the pictures yet.) The show itself was an insane steampunk Victorian burlesque nightmare, with stiltwalker, fire-eating, flaming hula hoops and lots of blood. Also, I met EA before and after the show; just for a minute before the show, as Emilie Autumn was leaving her tour bus to go into the venue. She greeted each of us, and hugged us and gave us each a kiss, and she is just adorable. After the show was an exclusive reading (of her book about bipolar disorder and institutionalization, both modern and Victorian), as well as an opportunity to get a picture with her and get something signed. I gave her a rat that I had knitted, and I got hugs from EA, Naughty Veronica and Captain Maggots (both members of the Bloody Crumpets, her backup singers/dancers). It was all just delightfully wonderful.
I spent the next several days recovering.
Today I finally sat down and did some serious work on my National Novel Writing Month novel. I have written 3000 words in total so far; if I had been writing 1667 every day like I was supposed to, I'd have about 10,000 so far. Alas. But I plan on writing like a mad girl to catch up.
I was unfortunately unable to watch V for Vendetta yesterday (I was still recovering) like I wanted, but I watched it today, and it was delightful as always.
It also made me think of the time a few years ago when I shaved my hair. I've been thinking I should do that again. There are multiple reasons; the one I usually share is the one to do with the stereotypical view of feminine beauty, and how it usually involves long hair (speaking of, I can put my hair in a ponytail now!), and the fact that my hair doesn't look very good long, at least in my opinion. I did want to prove to myself that I could be beautiful without long hair.
But for Samhain (which aside from the feasting I completely forgot about), I have a tradition of drawing a card which informs my magickal/personal processes for the coming year. This year I wanted to just choose the card, because I want the Tower. There are reasons, and if you want to know, ask, and we can discuss it.
But I think that shaving my hair--a symbolic beheading--is appropriate magickal work for the Tower. So we'll see. I'd prefer to borrow a beard-trimmer to do the work: anyone who reads this have one I could borrow?

Anyway, I believe this is an adequate telling of recent events, and I have to work at 6am tomorrow. So, love you all, talk to you later.

Update

So, lots of stuff has happened since my last post ... hmmm, I don't update very often, do I?
It seems I am out of my seriously crazy time, so this is going to be the only mention of mental health I plan on making. Just that I went through a period where I felt fucking crazy, and I seem to be out of it. (Again, many thanks to my very good friends Holly, Beverly & Dylan: you three especially helped immensely.)

So, things that have happened ... (some things might be repeated because I don't remember what I've written here or not)
Emilie Autumn will be in town Nov 2nd!!!! I am currently trying to make a costume for it, but I've left it a little late. (!) So we'll see how that goes. I will post pictures when I have everything.
I've met some other Muffins (as we call ourselves; EA fans), and had delightful tea parties with them, and there are two boys in particular that I am fond of, so hopefully we'll have more tea parties after EA's show.
I broke up with my boyfriend because of severe depression and craziness, which has since lifted a lot. I'm currently trying to feel my way around what to do now. It occurs to me that I need to figure out who I am and what I want, in the vacuum of no one else's opinions/desires/needs. Since nature abhors a vacuum, I may not be able to do it, but without a boyfriend or girlfriend, there are few people who impinge their opinions/desires/needs upon the wet clay that is who I am and what I want very strongly.
I had been leaning very strongly to not wanting to date (and certainly not getting into any serious relationships right away), but something (very) unexpected happened, and I went on a date yesterday. It was lovely.
Also, I have started running a roleplaying game, Changeling the Lost, by White Wolf. It's fun and creepy, and I enjoy it immensely so far. I also really like my group. They're good.
And finally (I think this is finally), I've been commissioned to knit a pair of wristwarmers for someone. I hope to finish them tomorrow, so I can call her, and say, They're done! I finished the first one, and started the second tonight.
Oh! and speaking of knitting--I was running some errands today. I've been saying for a while that, "When I learn to do fancy stuff, I'll know how to knit," and when I learned some fancy stuff, I said, "When I've done something big--like a sweater--then I'll know how to knit." Well, I was not only knitting, but cabling, while walking, earlier today. So I think I know how to knit. I think I can officially say that.

I think that's about all. Love you all so much. I'll try to update more often.

I'm Not Here

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on, and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here.
Goo Goo Dolls, I'm Still Here

This song came into my head yesterday, and I think it explains a bit of how I felt Sunday--utterly unconnected to anyone or anything, especially walking into what felt like the mass of humanity (in reality, somewhere between 20 and 100 people) that was gathered in Elliot Hall after first service. (Unitarian church choir sang on Sunday.)
So, I was singing this song, or the bits that I remembered, that floated to the top of my brain, over and over last night, and I wanted to find it, and see how similar it was to what I remembered. (Pretty much only the chorus is usable for me, in this context.)

Alternate words:
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on, and feel I'm alive

I also wanted to just say how grateful I am for my very dear friends who help keep me from being too gods-damned crazy.

Anyway, I need to go, so I can do my morning things (eat breakfast, shower, etc.), and then run some errands, like picking up my new tiny GL top hat from the post office, and going to a fabric store for EA-concert-costume-fabric.

We learned about this in a class I took in college a couple years ago.
I did some Google-searching, and I wanted to remember it, so it's going here.

Here's the Wikipedia article on the "Twilight sleep":
Twilight sleep article

The drug was scopolomin (and morphine, at least according to Wikipedia), and it was used as an anesthetic in the early 1900s for women in childbirth.

This is the New York Times article (1914) about the controversy surrounding "twilight sleep":
Deny Insanity Is Due To 'Twilight Sleep'

It made women forget the pain, on the theory that if they don't remember, it didn't happen. But they were awake and aware when it was happening, or presumably in a "twilight sleep"; but they were still able to push, and all that.
It also made them crazy.

I will leave you with this, in case you don't feel like reading the articles:
"The next thing I knew I was awake [...] and then I thought to myself "I wonder how long before I shall begin to have the baby," and while I was still wondering a nurse came in with a pillow, and on the pillow was a baby, and they said I had had it—perhaps I had—but I certainly can never prove it in a courtroom." ("TWILIGHT SLEEP; Is Subject of a New Investigation". The New York Times. 1915-01-31. http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=9E05EED8113EE733A05752C3A9679C946496D6CF. Retrieved 2008-08-05.)

Bad Day

Today has been a bad day.
Getting home and seeing my cat (I have a cat) and talking to my roommate helped dispel it somewhat; just enough that I can no longer so readily find the words to describe it. But I'm going to try.

The world feels unreal.
I walk through the world and nothing can touch me.
Nothing can touch me.
I am a ghost.
I'm surrounded by ghosts.
I walk, I breathe, I talk, I even smile, but I am just a dead body, walking around and talking.
Nothing is real.
I am breaking down.

Last night, for the first time in years, I had suicidal thoughts. Last night, twice, I wanted it to all end, right now, just end. I couldn't think of anything that would be fast enough for me. The fastest thing I could think of was getting a kitchen knife and opening my veins, but I couldn't think that far. Specifically, I couldn't imagine the critical part where I am holding the knife and the knife is slicing my flesh. And if I can't imagine it, I don't think I can do it.

Anyway. I have a cat. Her name is Tokyo, and she's adorable. I love her dearly. More info and maybe even pictures of her later ...

And now for something completely different ...

... that is, if I can manage it.
Let's talk about something other than my health, mental or otherwise, or lack thereof, I said to myself. But then, as I was waiting for everything to load (because my computer's reeeeeeally slow), I thought, what else can I talk about?
I have no real interest in talking about my job, or my pitiful attempts to find a different job, although I would be happy to talk about why my attempts have been pitiful, which verges on health or mental health, or lack thereof.
I have no interest in discussing in detail my romantic life (except when I'm manic), and while I could talk about how it's generally doing, an adequate coverage of that would require me to talk about my mental health, or lack thereof.
I could talk about my writing (and how I haven't done any yet today, which is because of physical health--see below), but I don't like to talk about it in detail before I make you read it, anyway. Or I could possibly talk about my other creative pursuits, which have mostly dried up lately--I don't know why.
I will mention the fact that yesterday I tripped on absolutely nothing (damn, there I go again, mentioning something that I believe points to mental health or lack thereof, although my friend Holly said it could be spiritually-based) and faceplanted (or palm planted?) in loose gravel, asphalt, dirt, some weeds. My right palm is ... well, not quite hamburger, but it's tore up a bit, and my left middle finger has a strip of skin missing from the cuticle to nearly my first knuckle. Today I poured hydrogen peroxide over the wounds to get the dirt out, and damn it works. It stings, but not nearly as bad as the epsom salts-goldenseal-hot water combination did yesterday (at least some of that was the hot water, as it wasn't nearly as bad--but still godawful--once the water cooled down). (Oh, also, I took some analgesics (painkillers, acetaminophen, to be precise), hoping that would help with the pain, which it didn't really, but I felt two waves of the pain-numbing that anagelsics always give me--it's kind of like being high.)
So, this morning, instead of going about my morning things, like I did yesterday like a good girl, I sat down in front of my computer and immediately turned on the internet to look up how to get rid of the dirt. So it's nearly 4pm, and this is the only writing I've done all day, plus I'm still in my pajamas. But that's more--damn. That's more the depression ... which is definitely about mental health, or lack thereof.
Anyway, the wounds are, as far as I can tell, dirt-and-foreign-objects-free, but still infected. It's difficult. The little wounds are so little, it's hard to properly get all the infection out, and the bigger one is still raw, and I'm worried about doing too much to it.

So, something not at all related to health is: I am currently listening to Cake Bake Betty, who is delightful (thanks again to Jim to introducing me to her, along with Amanda Palmer/Dresden Dolls, who have changed my life ... but in a mental health sort of way). I'm currently listening to The Charge (Knocturnul) kind of over and over, because it's amazing. At some point, I may change it so it's shuffling, but for now I love the part where she says, "Oh Lord, is, Oh Lord, is this my ship coming in? I'm not ready, I'm not ready for this" too much to want to listen to something else. It's amazing.

Also, back to mental health, I've been feeling really compelled (OCD) to organize. I want to change all the tags in my blog. I've got way too many, it's seriously unwieldy, and, really, how often do I talk about, say, Hallowe'en? Once a year? Packing and unpacking? Only when I move, I imagine. And do I really need both of those, and also moving? Likewise, do I really need both tiredness and exhaustion? Etc. So, I've been thinking about getting rid of some of these things, and combining other things, like say, collapsing addiction, brain, codependency, depression, forgetfulness, manic, manic-depression, mind, suicide, and possibly emotion and feeling into mental health.
Ooh, and I kinda want a web-cam/microphone, so I can do a spoken blog sometimes. (Completely random desire, probably will never be fulfilled, at least not until I get a better computer, and prompted only by Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog and Felicia Day's The Guild, and the way it sounded when I read the last bit aloud.)

Anyway, I really should go, so I can eat, write, finish reading and critiquing the chapter for my writing group tonight, and maybe even shower before writing group. The organizing project is probably not going to happen tonight.
Love you all.

P.S. I might actually talk about the things I merely mentioned earlier in this post, but not right now.

P.P.S. I did completely mean to talk about Holly's spiritually-based theory for why I tripped on absolutely nothing, so I'll do that before I go: I've been chanting a Kali mantra (twice a day for forty days). Kali is the Destroyer of Negative Ego, and this mantra is the Spiritual Evolution Mantra that is Quick, Powerful and Unyielding. Kali comes in with razor-sharp precision to cut away anything impeding your Spiritual Evolution, and Holly's suggestion was that She's rearranging my brain. And so I am applying that to everything that's been really bothering me within the last couple weeks, starting with my memory loss and my inability to find the words I want to my inability to think and my tripping over absolutely nothing. Holly suggested a Lakshmi mantra after the Kali cycle, to ask to be filled with the things I do need.

A Further Note on Lithium Use and Hypothyroidism

Guyol, Gracelyn (2006). Healing depression & bipolar disorder without drugs: inspiring stories of restoring mental health through natural remedies.

"Finally diagnosed as bipolar, Nicole was already thirty pounds overweight before lithium therapy added close to fifty pounds in two months. 'You're not supposed to take lithium if you have thyroid problems, which I do . . . "

This is one of the inspiring stories of restoring mental health through natural remedies, so I thought I'd do some research.
I read this article (Lithium Risks: Thyroid, Kidney, and Weight Gain Problems. (n.d.). Retrieved September 9, 2009, from http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/meds/LithiumRisks.htm), and skimmed through others, and it seems that lithium can cause hypothyroidism; what the risks are for taking it if you already are hypothyroid are so far unclear, however, suffice it to say that I don't think I'll be taking any more supplements (except multivitamin types) until I can get a diagnosis.

Dysthymia?

The other day, a new friend of mine from a new site that I've started frequenting (it's a "social network" like Facebook, but it's called A Place for the Mentally Interesting, and it's basically a place to talk about mental health issues) called my blog "aces" and said I was a good writer, which made me really happy.

But it got me to thinking about the way "crazy people" aren't given much credibility; I haven't yet had to deal with this, but I also haven't been diagnosed by an actual doctor. And I haven't been on any meds. (EA says something about "the outrageous discrimination towards anyone who has ever taken Zoloft" here.)

Blah. I don't know. I had a huge a idea about a post a few days ago, when I got the comment about my blog being aces, but I also think I'm sliding into depression, slowly but surely. I'm definitely less motivated, and this awesome idea I had a few days ago seems kinda impossible, and also not really worth it, like who would ever want to read what I have to say?

So, to remind myself, my blog is aces, and I'm a good writer. Please remember that, Rowan, darling.

Love.

Euthymia

So, my planner arrived. It's pretty great. This is apparently the first year of them publishing this thing, though, and there are typos and other annoyances. Whatever. I kinda wish there was a little more room, so I could more easily write in all the food I eat. I can do that, but then there's not enough room to use it as a planner.

Anyway, either I'm just not getting manic as often during the day the past couple of days, or I am currently switching back and forth between euphoria/mania and euthymia. (According to this Wikipedia article, "Euthymia is a word used for indicating a normal, non-depressed, reasonably positive mood. It is distinguished from euphoria, which refers to an extreme of happiness, and dysthymia, which refers to a depressed mood. It is a term used frequently in mental status exams. The term is also sometimes used referring to the neutral mood (absence of a depressive or manic cycle) that some people with bipolar disorder experience with varying frequency.")
It would be great to have euthymia show up occasionally, so I'm basically okay with the lulls of not-manic.

Anyway, in other news, I have to work later tonight, but I am not working, like, at all, next week. (Six hours.) So I'm spending some time next week looking for a new job.
Actually, I'm kinda worried about that. My life, in regards to money/jobs, sucks. I work very little, usually, leaving me with vast gaping holes of free time in which I never do enough (either because I'm depressed, and can't, or because I'm manic, and I can't do as much as I think I should be able to/I spend all my time doing nothing useful) ... for example, I don't write nearly as often as I should. Also, I make very little money, which leaves me in debt, constantly stressed, and eating crap food, because it's cheaper.
But. Because of this lifestyle, I can afford to spend all day sleeping/laying in bed staring at the ceiling, when I'm depressed. I can afford to stay up until 4am doing absolutely nothing on the computer when I'm manic. I wouldn't be able to do that if I had a decent 40-hr/week job that actually paid me something.
Blah. I don't know. We'll see, I guess, as always.

Love.

Today I got to endure a social nicety I hadn't really been exposed to before: Public Groping in Broad Daylight By a Complete Stranger While I Wait For the Train.
You see, all my previous encounters with groping had happened in the dark, or by someone I knew.

I'm being sarcastic right now because I can be. This was several hours ago (on my way to a yoga class held right before my choir practice), and I was seriously angry after I got on the train and after I got off the train, but walking to the UU church, I had to try really hard to remain angry, because whenever the anger receded a bit, I started crying. I cried through a good half-hour of the yoga class.

Basically (because I'm not interested in going into too much detail), this guy sat down next to me while waiting for the train, and despite my iPod and book, he tried three times to pretend he was asking me where I got my shirt, while gesturing, and got in one good feel (and one "less-good" one, which I misinterpreted as clumsiness or accidental or whatever). He tried once more after that, by telling me the train was coming, and pointing to the train, but by that time I was expecting it, and knocked his hand away.
He also tried to feint going onto the train a different way than me (I went through the bike entrance, and he had a bike, so of course he couldn't go through anywhere else), but I was watching and sat at the front when he did get on the train.

One of my friends suggested that I buy mace, which I will do as soon as ever I am able.

Not to make this a man-hating entry, or even an "exposing all the horrible things men do" entry (because I recognize that my experiences pale beside some women), but I've been wanting to buy mace ever since this guy followed me for at least an hour from the Farmer's Market to the library through the stacks and then back onto the train. Fortunately, he didn't follow me past the train, but I was worried about it. This was a few years ago.

Unfortunately, I do not have the energy currently to make this entry less awful, so we'll end here. I'll just say that there are, fortunately or unfortunately, some wonderful men in my life right now that make me not want to castrate the entire gender.

Kelp, again.

First of all, happy September, everyone! What a great month! We get the Fall Equinox this month, which is always fun. I'm quite fond of the Equinoxes.

Anyway, I was thinking about the kelp, and the lithium, and all that--plus, I got four books out of the library yesterday that talk about bipolar/manic-depressive illness/disorder. I will list them here now, and then as I read them, report how useful they are:
Guyol, Gracelyn (2006). Healing depression & bipolar disorder without drugs: inspiring stories of restoring mental health through natural remedies.
Castle, Lana R. (2006). Finding your bipolar muse: how to master depressive droughts and manic floods and access your creative power.
Corrington, Robert S. (2003). Riding the windhorse:manic-depressive disorder and the quest for wholeness.
Jamison, Kay Redfield (1993). Touched with fire: manic-depressive illness and the artistic temperament.

So, I started with Guyol's Healing Depression (and I have heard this same thing in other places), and she describes her mother's experience with lithium (and why she refused to take lithium, when diagnosed as bipolar): "Lithium made her look puffy, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and she complained of 'cotton mouth,' lost her quick chuckle in a flattening of emotions, and developed Parkinson's disease, which ultimately killed her."
I started taking Kelp on Tuesday, 8/18/09; my friends who recommended it (because straight Iodine made me crazy, and Kelp might be a gentler form of Iodine for my thyroid) said they noticed a difference about six days after taking it. Six days after that Tuesday was Sunday, 8/23/09. I was transitioning into manic that day and the next. Sunday night was the first really obviously manic period. I was laughing a lot, and talking loudly, and I felt like everyone was staring at me, and my friend said afterward that I didn't pause when I was speaking. I felt like I was controlling the conversation, like I was steering it. It wasn't until Monday when I was hostile and aggressive that I thought I might have hit manic.
Monday was when I got ill, and ever since then, I have woken up every morning with an exceedingly dry mouth that doesn't ever quite go away, no matter much water I drink. I've also been feeling blunted. I remember the first couple days of my manic phase, and this is nothing like it was. I can get into that social place, where I'm laughing a lot and talking a lot, and all of that, but I don't feel like I have to. I guess that's a good thing, only I don't feel wholly real anymore.
(Slight side note: what with the hypothyroidism, the manic-depression, and other shit, I really feel like I have no clue who the hell I am. This kind of worries me. Another side note, on the topic of being worried: I've been experiencing serious "poor memory recall". It worries me.)
Anyway, I've been thinking about stopping the Kelp. I want to just stop it long enough to see if the regular manic comes back, to see if I feel real again when it does. I just want to stop it long enough to test my theory. I don't know what I'll do then. Well, clearly, if my theory is not correct, and it doesn't change my emotions, but does change thyroid-brain-things for the worse, then I'll start taking it again. If things change for the better, then I might keep the Kelp until I hit depression again, and start taking it again, just to see what kind of effect it has on the depression.

Thanks to everyone who is paying attention to my adventures. I love you.

Kelp

So, I found out today that one of the supplements I'm taking not only supplies me with iodine for my hypothyroidism (which is why I'm taking it) but also lithium, for my manic-depression.
Yay kelp!

The Art of Suicide & Lemonade

It occurred to me that I needed a day planner, and since there's so much of the year left, I decided I could try to find a used or otherwise discounted 2009 planner online. I found an awesome planner: the 2009 Mood Organizer, by everydaystruggles.com.
It's great; it gives you places to note your activities, how much sleep you get, medications, etc. It's totally made for manic-depression. So, I went to the website, hoping for something useful.
This is what I found:

"Someone once said, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' And, today there are entirely too many lemons still laying around with lots of thirsty people standing by waiting for a drink."

Emilie Autumn talks about this sort of thing in her song The Art of Suicide:
Why live a life
That's painted with pity
And sadness and strife
Why dream a dream
That's tainted with trouble
And less than it seems
Why bother bothering
Just for a poem
Or another sad song to sing
Why live a life
Why live a life

The idea being: don't kill yourself, you have so much to give! And her answer is, Why, so I can write another sad song, for other people? What about myself? Fuck you!
Which was my thought when I read the lemonade comment. I should suffer so other people can profit from the fruit of my suffering? Fuck you! Make your own damn lemonade.

Anyway. I feel I should mention that I am not feeling suicidal. (Still manic, as far as I can tell.) I just don't want to be told that I'm suffering for the good of others.

Anyway, if I hop to it, I might be able to get some writing in today before my friend Rae's birthday party.

Love you all!

Still Manic.

Manic=cussing people out in my head while laughing at myself for doing so/cracking myself up for how cleverly I'm cussing people out in my head.
Manic=not pausing when I speak, bouncing around topics so fast we get conversational whiplash, and laughing a lot.
Manic+Sick=laying in bed staring at the ceiling because Sick is telling me I need to sleep and Manic won't shut up about EVERYTHING.

This was my day.

Also, all I had to eat until about 7:30 was two pieces of toast, a glass of juice, and gallons of feel-better tea. Plus some water. I think Manic gives me a decreased need to eat, as well as sleep.

In closing:

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva,
The mountains can cover the shape of his nose.
He wants to die where nobody can see him,
But the beauty of his death will carry on so
I don't believe him

He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him
And sometimes we're scorned and sometimes I believe him.
And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy,
Get scared and call him but he's usually hazy

At one in the morning the day is not ended
By two he is scared that sleep is no friend.
And by four he will drink but he cannot feel it,
Sleep will not come because sleep does not will it
And I don't believe him
Morning is mocking me

I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats
Til' the ring on my finger slips to the ground
A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city
The veins of which have broken me down.
And I don't believe him,
Morning is mocking me

Oh the gods that he believes, never fail to amaze me
He believes in the love of his god of all things,
But I find him wrapped up in all manner of sins
The drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him
I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.
I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.

And since last that we parted, since last that I saw him
Down by a river silent and hardened
Morning was mocking us, blood hit the sky.
I was just happy my manic and I
He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes
And birds were singing to calm us down
And birds were singing to calm us down

And I'm sorry young man I cannot be your friend
I don't believe in a fairy tale end
I don't keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind.
And I hardly know you, I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that we're ill
I hardly know you, I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that I'm ill
And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
The gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
My nihilist, my happy man, my manic and I
Have no plans to move on
The birds are singing to calm us down
And birds are singing to calm us down
--My Manic and I, Laura Marling

Manic Depression

I might be manic-depressive. There's a chance. It occurred to me a few days ago when I was reading about hypothyroidism and depression and bipolar (etc.), because I've known for a while that everything I go through (with the exception of the chronic pain) is cyclical. Sometimes I function better, sometimes I have no functionality. I thought that I was cycling through healthy and unhealthy, functioning and not-functioning, but it has occurred to me that maybe I'm cycling through manic and depression.
Anyway. I created a double-sided chart, one side labeled Dysthymic Phase (dysthymia is a low-grade, long-term type of depression that is linked to hypothyroidism), the other labeled Euphoric Phase. (These terms came from my reading about cyclothymia, a low-grade, long-term type of bipolar that is linked to hypothyroidism.) The symptoms are listed, and 31 days are set out. I started marking on the 20th, although I had been depressed before then, and until today, all my marks were on the Dysthymic Phase side.
Today I have one check mark on the DP side (Difficulty Making Decisions, based on the fact that I wandered around and around the store after work trying to figure out if I wanted to buy something to eat, and if so, what, even though I have food at home, I knew what I was going to eat, and actually, making the decision to just go home wasn't that difficult, either; I think I just wanted to spend money, and thus also marked Spending Sprees on the EP side), and all the rest on the EP side.
I was in a good mood earlier, and got hostile/aggressive (in my head) about customers at work and (out loud) to Jamie on the phone, etc. There's more.

So, this is just the initial report: today I appeared Manic for at least some of the day. We'll see how it continues.
Maybe I'll actually get some writing done.

(Ooh, earlier today I exhibited Increased Drive to Achieve Goals: I should mark that!)

Time to eat because I'm dying.
Love you all manically.

Temp jobs etc.

Okay, I'm going to try to update more regularly, especially since I seem to be in a spate of temp jobs, which means I'm sitting in front of the computer all day.
(By the way, Dad: remember that one temp job I got packing small electronic items? You said that I should be using my brain and not my body, and how I was so much more qualified and should be doing something like receptionist, or even better? Well, I was never once bored at that other job, I got to use the OCD part of my brain, and that in itself felt fulfilling in a way I've never had before. These jobs? Phones, receptionist? I am So Bored. Not fulfilled in any way. I would trade.)

Anyway, it's not so bad. Today's the first day at this place, and let me tell you, first-day jitters every time you switch an assignment. Blech. But anyway, I'm not too bored yet. It was just the last day or two at the last place really killed me. And once I get settled in here, and understand the place, it should be less stressful.
It should be a week at this place, so we'll see how it goes.

In other news: complete and total lack of energy is sapping up everything I'm trying to do. And maybe that's all it was with the last temp job: I just had no energy to exert to that job, especially when I had so many other things going on.
So, it's being a struggle to write, get up in the morning, etc. We'll see how it goes. I really need a doctor.
Also, my relationship is going well. We had a weekend in which there was no arguments, no miscommunications, nothing. (This is major.) It was good.
Despite what I just said, things with Jamie are going well. We argue and have miscommunications, but we always work it out.
I can't really think of anything at the moment. It's a shame that my temp-job environments have been, so far, pretty deadening. I can't write. I'm planning on emailing to myself copies of my stories (tried to this morning, but Gmail was being a bitch, and I had to Get To Work), and then I can maybe work on them in small batches, but I really feel brain-dead. Maybe it's the feng shui. Maybe I can do something to help it.
I'm in pain. It's worse right now.

SQUEEEE!!!!!!! Emilie Autumn!

Emilie Autumn's coming to town Nov 2nd, and I'm going to see her show!!!!!
I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!!!
I just bought tickets.
SQUEEEE some more, and now I have to go to work.
Love you all!!!

P.S.
The Plague: Get it. Feed it. Spread it. Bitches.

P.P.S.
In case you're curious; ticket info: currently on pre-sale for $13 (probably ends up $20 with "convenience fee"), for members of the EA fanclub/online community. If you want to go, and are my friend, and are not part of this, let me know.
I don't know when they go on regualr sale, or how much they will be then.
Okay, now I really have to go to work.

Cavies

My guinea pigs died, probably on Saturday, which was the hottest day of the year (and my birthday).
Don't really want to talk about it yet. I'm burying them today.

So, where are we going to put the kitchen?

So, when Niel told me we were getting a washer-dryer, in two weeks, a month or so ago, the conversation went like this:
Neil: So, we're getting a washer-dryer.
Me: Yay! Where are we gonna put it?
Neil: Where the fridge is. (Which, my friends, is outside the kitchen, by the back door in a little open space that also houses our recycling.)
Me: Great. Where are we gonna put the fridge?
Neil: In the kitchen.
Me: Where are we gonna put the kitchen?
(Because the kitchen's TINY.)

So, I come home last night from my game, and find the fridge in the kitchen, and the oven pulled out into the middle of the room. No washer-dryer set up yet.
I wake up this morning, and there's still the fridge in the kitchen, and the oven in the middle of the kitchen, and no washer-dryer. Which sucks, because I'm basically out of dry cereal, and I couldn't cook my hot cereal without my stove, and that left me with some weird breakfast bars that didn't really turn out (they still taste fine, but they look weird), and maybe some toast? Oh, and some cherries that had gone a bit off. And no more juice, and no stove to make tea. :(
THEN, the contractors showed up, and I was all excited, and asked them if I was going to get a kitchen again soon, to which they replied, Yes.
Silly me. I somehow assumed that 'soon' meant 'today'. No. When the contractors left, the stove was still in the MIDDLE of the FREAKING kitchen, not plugged in, with a BIG HOLE in the wall leading to where the washer-dryer will be, but still is not ...

Anyway, I moved the oven and plugged it in so I could cook food. Blah. Hopefully this will be done tomorrow, so I can, I dunno, use the kitchen ...

Peace Corps

I have officially finished my application and submitted it. Finally.
I have two reference providers who need to finish their Letter of Recommendation and hand them to me so I can mail them, but I think the application is still officially submitted, and can begin without them, so I'm less stressed about that than I was about finding three people (really, it was that my manager--one of the people I wanted-- went on vacation right when I finished the main application and realized I needed references and that I needed to submit their names and some information about them, etc. That stressed me out about it.), so that's fine.
The medical survey dealie was kind of annoying, too. Simply because they seemed to assume that you had recently been to a doctor who had thoroughly investigated everything that's wrong with you (unless I'm mistaken, though, that will happen sometime in the next nine months), because there was no way to answer I Don't Know to any of the questions, and there was no kind of comment box into which I could type, so I have chronic pain, and hypothyroid symptoms, but since I haven't been to a doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Meh. Like I said, I'm pretty sure I will have to go to a doctor as part of the application process, and hopefully they'll figure out what's up with me. And hopefully it won't interfere with me going to Africa.

Anyway, just a quick note to update you all about Africa. Love you all!

Awesome Bumper Sticker

I saw this on a car at work today, so I had to find it and share it with you all:


Bumper stickers almost make me wish I had a bumper to put them on ... almost.

Lots of News

Okay, in order of when it will happen:
The UU Arts Fair is this weekend, Saturday evening and Sunday morning (starting 6:30pm Saturday until 1:00pm Sunday), at the First Unitarian Church, which is 600 S 1300 E. I will have photography there, and I'm very excited about it. I encourage all my friends to show up! (Pretty please? It will make me happy!)

Choir Sunday is happening next weekend, also a UU thing. It's kind of a big deal for the choir, which I am in, so, if you'd like to hear lots of lovely music, then you should come. (Or, you know, if you just want to support me as your friend, then you should come ... ) UU Church, 9am or 11am.

The third major thing is: I'm applying to the Peace Corps!
I have barely started the application process, and thus have not submitted the application yet, but I'm doing it. I will keep you all updated as I know things.
I'm really hoping to go to Africa. I've wanted to go to Africa for a very long time, and also, I learned French, and I believe that I can remember it fairly easily if I try (I'm going to be brushing up on my French as soon as the month is over, plus they do offer language training.), and they speak French all over Africa. So, hopefully ...
The website says the application process takes nine months, so I'm not even going to know if I can go for quite some time, but I'm really excited about it! Wish me luck!

Ummm ... in other news ... I made it to 50 pages by the 10th, and then slowed down considerably. I now have 64 pages. I'm hosting a Saturday write-in downtown (for the next two Saturdays), where people in the Frenzy can all get together and write. It'll be fun, and hopefully will help keep up my word count.
At the moment, I am just trying to write a little everyday, even if I don't manage to write as many pages as I was planning on.
My photography has suffered somewhat this month, but my writing started to suffer the last couple days as I'm trying to pull together the photography for the Arts Fair. (Actually, my photography suffered a bit, too: I completely forgot to take a picture yesterday, because of sorting through pictures, etc. However, I took a ton of awesome pictures on Monday, which I will post someday.)

And in further news, it seems that I have met someone, which I had so thoroughly rejected as even a possibility that when I drew the Two of Cups the other day (which refers to relationships, a meeting of hearts, etc.), I had no idea what the cards were trying to tell me!
But anyway, without going into too many details, I went on a date, and it was good, and he lives far enough away that I don't have to worry about him sucking up all my time and energy, which is also good.
Because I have found that while I need companionship (like I need food and water and light and heat), it's not something I want to spend all my time and energy focused on. (I likewise do not wish to spend all my time thinking about food.) I want time and energy to focus on writing and photography and the possibility of going to Africa.
Screnzy would have been impossible if I had still been dating Andy, he took up way too much time.

So, life is pretty good right now, all in all.
The major thing I need to do is to find a decent-paying job: in an ideal world, I would like to clear up my debts before heading to Africa, but hopefully I can at least pay back the little things (like I owe my dad and my sister a few hundred dollars), and put a major dent in the bigger things, and maybe even save up some money so that when I come back, I have a little saved and gathering interest.
But this requires me to make more than I am making now.
And it could even be something I hated, because I would only be doing it for a few months.

But anyway. This post has gone on long enough. I need to eat something and finish my critiques (for writing group), etc. Love you all!!

Screnzy! 30 pages!

Re: my previous post
Thanks to everyone for their comments, but it's really okay. I was kind of confused that night and whatever, but I'm honestly not interested in wasting anymore time/energy on it.

So, on to what I am willing to spend time and energy on:
I'm at 30 pages in my script, which means that I am ahead! (I would love to say that I'm WAY ahead, because it feels like it, because I was so very behind about this time during NaNo, but, alas, others are so much more ahead than me.)
I'm not only ahead of the "where you should be if you're writing the same amount (3.33 pages) every day" page count goal, because I expected to be ahead of that. I'm also ahead of my own calendar, which takes into account the fact that I can't write much on Sundays, and on Sundays when the choir sings (April 12 & 26), not at all, etc. I am, in fact, a full day ahead of schedule: tomorrow I was supposed to hit 30 pages. Instead, tomorrow I will blaze through that 1/3rd goal marker like nobody's business!
Plus, I don't have to work Friday, so even if I sleep in ridiculously late (as has been par for the course for me for the past few months), I at least won't have to go anywhere in the evening (unlike every other evening so far this month), which means I will have ample writing time.
At some point in time, I am going to need to keep working on my story (the one I'm adapting for a screenplay), because I find that if I have to make up what I need to write that day (like scenes involving someone other than my MC (main character), as the story is in first-person), then that really slows me down. Which sucks.

Anyway, I've been getting ideas not only for next NaNo, but also for next Screnzy. For next Screnzy, I'm going to write the script for a comic. I'm really excited about that, as the comic idea has been in my head for a while. And unlike last NaNo, I am going to heavily outline both projects before starting: the Office of Letters and Light discourages it, as you're supposed to write fast and not worry about being bad, and thus, if you've already spent so much time on the project, you might worry too much and that would ruin the whole point of it.
However, I obviously write MUCH faster when I know what I'm doing, so therefore, I'm going to outline. It's also only a suggestion, rather than a rule, so ...
And for next Screnzy, I want to be writing 450 pages in a month (2 script pages per comic page, roughly, and I want to write nine issues of a comic, at roughly 25 pages each) ... so I'll need to write REALLY fast. (lol--I doubt I can do it, but I would like to write maybe three of the issues, which is 150 pages.)
So, as soon as Screnzy is over, I'm going to start working on both those projects, in addition to all my other projects out there: finishing/fixing my 2008 NaNo, the novel/stories my Screnzy's based on, probably finishing/fixing my Screnzy, and that's just writing projects. I also have Project 365 (which is suffering this month), and (according to my Big Fun Scary List) I have to sew a wardrobe, learn fancy knitting (which I think by now requires me to do something big, like a sweater or something. I am making up a pattern right now, and I'll show you when it's done.), and a bunch of other things that are just embarrassing, like practicing my violin, just because it's been so long since I've done it. However, finding a job is also on that list, so ...
I think my next BFS List won't be so long. However, I did say that I didn't expect to do them all this year, so that's really okay ...

So, anyway, this is kinda long now, and I have heard that Hulu finally updated the new episode of Dollhouse, and since I told myself I couldn't watch it until I had 1/3 of my script completed, I need to go and do writing of a different kind ...

Rejected

Ow.

Today was a day.
First, my roommate tells me I'll have to move out by mid-July--which gives me a good long time to find a new job and a new place to live--I'll need the new job to support the new place to live, because I doubt I'll find another place to live that's as cheap as where I live now--but, still. I understand, he's having financial problems (who isn't?), and wants to rent to someone who will actually pay him money (which I would do if I made enough money to live by, but ... ).
But anyway. It kind of sucked.
So, Universe (and anyone else who reads this), I need a new job. I need to make actual living wages.

Then, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and we talked about how our relationship isn't working out, and he ... he said lots of things, and I don't know if they're true, or if I'm telling myself they aren't true so as to keep up that shield of self-preservation.
I mean, I know I'm self-centered/arrogant. I know that, and I try really hard to counter that by not talking about myself so much, or by asking questions. The asking questions part is really difficult, because I'm introverted by nature, so I have to work hard to realize, Oh, I should ask this question now!
I do try. But the question is, do I try hard enough? He said I wasn't supportive (I thought I was), that I was judgmental (I didn't think so) and that everything was about me. I know at least some of that is his perspective on things, but how much? How do you know what's true?
I'm a firm believer in multiple truths, but I just don't know about this situation: his truth is that I am completely self-centered, arrogant, unsupportive, that I judge him and think he's stupid because he didn't go to college, that I wasn't open enough, etc. My truth is that I was being as supportive as I could, that I was trying very hard to bury my self-centeredness, that I thought he communicated poorly at times (but never that he was stupid!), and that I refrained from talking about myself too much (not being open enough) to try to counter-act my natural self-interest.
Oh, and he also thought I was a slut. Because I was honest with him (I was being open!) in the beginning about the fact that monogamy doesn't come naturally to me, and that I was trying hard to make monogamy work for me. Here's the funny thing: he's the first boyfriend I *haven't* cheated on, or nearly. But he'd also heard (through the grapevine at work) that I'd spent the night at this guy's house (before he and I were dating), and so he "didn't want to believe" that I was sleeping around.

I don't know. Sorry, I just got off the phone with him, and needed to vent.
But anyway, towards the end, he just kept saying that he needed to not be in a relationship, and so it was more a thing about him than that I was this awful, horrible person.
I don't know.

Anyway, all in all, not the best day.

On a slightly better note, the Frenzy has started, and I've written a little over a page of my script.
woot.

Hula

My sister Emily (in Chicago) made this video, so I thought I'd share it:


I'm pretty sure the drum in the background is mine ...

Coping

Kelly's funeral was this morning. It's been hard, and I still start crying whenever I talk about him. I guess I'm coping. I'm going to have a keening with some friends, and I think that is sorely needed.
It was awful seeing his body, because it's not him. He's so clearly not there anymore. His face was completely blank, which is definitely not him.
I found this picture of him on his daughter Marissa's Facebook page (she's the one in the middle, being held by her mom, Wendy), and thought, That's Kelly. He opened his arms to everyone he met, and said, Welcome.

Kelly Almond, A Damn Fine Writer

My friend Kelly Almond got hit by a car on Tuesday, and his family is removing life support today. He was one of the best storytellers I've ever known. He will be greatly missed.

I'm still in shock.

Screnzy!

Script Frenzy: a writing challenge put on by the Office of Letters and Light, who also does NaNoWriMo, in which one writes a 100-page script in the month of April.
So, I decided today that I was going to do it, so I signed up! My page, if you'd like to visit it: http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/eng/user/303961
I've very excited, for many reasons. I've never written a script before. I've never even thought about scripts before, really. I have read bits of Firefly scripts, and found them fascinating, but I've never read the entire script for even a TV show. Writing scripts is WAY different from writing prose. WAY different. I'd like to emphasize that. I have an actual plot-like thing. In fact, my script will be an adaptation from a short story that I will have finished (writing) by April 1st. So, I'll have more than just a plot-like thing. Which is WAY more than I started with with NaNo. Just as a reminder, my idea for NaNo was: a vampire novel. 100 pages is WAY shorter than 50,000 words. I believe the Screnzy FAQ called it 20,000 words. That's nothing! That's EASY!

So. I'm way excited! And, I have to eat and head on over to visit my boyfriend, so, it's time to go!
Love you all!

Promised Pictures

I've promised some pictures ... this is mostly for people who don't look at my photoblog, because the pictures are there.
This is the fanciest thing I've done so far, my Victorian wristlets:


Close-up of cables and the picot bind-off:


Close-up of the ruffles:


And here's my cavies!
The first picture is of Panda (you can tell it's Panda by the black circles around his eyes):


And this is Bear:


They are, fortunately, both males, or more specifically, boars. (Females are called sows, and I have no idea what babies are called, and somehow piglets seems wrong.) (But I can't seem to find anything.)

Anyway. I slept in way late today, and I have things I need to do (like write, visit my boyfriend who's sick, take pictures, visit that children's store I mentioned earlier, and look for a job). So I'm signing off now, and I'll chat with you all later. I love you all.

February: A Waste

You know, mostly.
No, I just feel bad because I didn't get to see the Vagina Monologues, let alone participate (I wanted to audition for tVM put on by the U). Also, I don't think I played the violin all month, and I've only written a tiny bit. I also didn't even take pictures every day: I missed three days. I was sick, but still.

But March will be so much better! I promise. Tomorrow, I'm going to look for a new job and see if the upscale children's clothing store at 9th and 9th will take local artists' work on commission (or, even better, just purchase it outright), because if so, I'm going to knit some fancy children's clothing, and see if I can sell it.
And I'll write at least six times a week (I'm giving up on doing much of anything on Sundays).
But I have to go if I want to get to game on time!

So Fucking Tired

Baby knitting is done for now (I might get some more yarn and make stuff for my other friend's baby, Simon, but Aurora's stuff is done for now). I still have some purple yarn, so I will either make her more things later, or more likely, use it for myself for something ... it's such a pretty color, and I love purple.The knitting project I'm currently working on is a pair of "wristlets", which are like really short armwarmers, but the pattern's adorable, and they're really cute and ruffley. And there's cables, which are fun. I'll post pictures when they're done.

I've gotten as much done with the prologue of my NaNovel as I could, and I submitted it for my writing group's next meeting, so next Thursday, everyone will rip it to shreds. Woot. Hopefully I'll survive. And meanwhile, I can maybe do some more work on the first couple chapters, and get them ready for getting ripped to shreds.

I'm officially dating a boy named Andy; he's pretty spiffy. It's been good so far; except I sometimes worry (because that's what I do) that all the good things I got by not-dating are going away again because I'm in a relationship now, but ... on serious reflection, I don't think that's true, or at least not to the extent that I worry about. So whatever.

I do not have guinea pigs yet. I'm gonna call my mom soon to see when the transfer can happen ... I'll post pictures when I have the cavies (proper name for g.p.s, pronounced kay-vees), so you all can see them.
I think I will name them Panda and Bear. (Panda has to be called Panda, because she has black spots around her eyes, like a panda.) Objections? Is that too ... something?

Belated Updates

I meant to post something at the end of January, but that was a no-go. Apparently.
So, here we go:
I totally fell down on writing everyday, but I have concluded that it was the fault of Smith's no longer carrying the 3-pound bags of pretzels that I usually buy and then munch on while writing. In order to write, I need to snack; I need to snack a lot, which is why I need a three-pound bag of pretzels ... the wimpy little one-pound bags are completely useless.
So, I'm going to try looking harder (in other stores, etc.) for three-pound bags of pretzels, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, so that I can get back to writing.
And hopefully, if I can start writing again everyday, I'll go back to violining everyday ... I practice the violin everyday that I write. I don't know why.
I DID take pictures nearly every day last month, so that was exciting.
I also learned some fancy knitting: I can now do ribbing, stockinette stitching, and cables! (way cool!) After my bout of baby-knitting is done, I am going to tackle Celtic knotwork ... I'll maybe make some armwarmers, or something easy like that, with some Celtic knotwork all over it.

On something other than the projects front, I went on three dates in January: two first dates and one second date: the first-and-second dates were with the boy mentioned in my last post (who, by the way, Britta, is not the same boy that I told you about before ... ).
But, the other first-date: I went on a second date with him recently, and I think it went well. We'll see how it goes. At the very least, I know for a fact that he has not had any recent break-ups, so there's that.

The major thing that has happened so far in February was my Imbolc ritual: it was very major, and I think directly responsible for the fact that I have no brain right now. My friends/teachers told me that whenever they do major workings like that, and lose their brains, it's because the brain has gone to the Underworld (the subconscious) and is rearranging things there, and when it comes back, it will come back different in some way. (I hope I am saying this in a way that makes sense ... )
Actually, though, the fact that I'm posting alone means that my brain is probably starting to come back. So, hopefully in a few days I'll have 100% brain capacity again ...

And finally, I am getting guinea pigs soon. As soon as my mom figures out a good time to affect the transfer. I'm getting a cage, because my mom bought my sister an easier-to-clean cage (because she's ten), so I get the old cage, which is cool. So all I have to do is buy the water bottle and food dishes and the little stuff. And the renewable stuff (bedding, food, etc.) can mostly be found at Smith's, which is useful for me.

But anyway, I have to head out, pick up my paycheck, and go grocery-and-guinea-pig shopping! Yay!
Love you all!

Heartbroken

I'm exaggerating slightly, but ... I went on a date! (I haven't done much of that recently.) I had about a weekend of feeling really excited and happy and all those feelings that accompany a new person in your life, and then he said that he wasn't ready for a girlfriend. (He'd had a recent and bad breakup that was more recent than I'd really been aware.)
But the thing is ... well, there's a few things. I am so ready for a partner: I haven't had any really stable relationships since Nicholas (early 2006), just lovers and brief boyfriends. And I needed that, I really did. I have noticed so much growth because I spent some time not in real relationships (I think the most growth occurred during that awful lonely six months of Chicago before dating Phil briefly--six months of actual loverlessness).
But now? Now I want someone to be there, to be a part of my life. I've been pushing people and things away, out of my life, for three years now, getting rid of bad habits and as much shit as I could. And now I need to embrace, I need to bring things (and people) into my life.
I'm lonely.
But, also, I really like this boy. And obviously I don't know if it would be a stable relationship, but I was willing to try.
Fortunately, it's still really easy to be friends with him. So we'll see how things go.

I was going to write about other things besides a boy, but I'm getting tired. And talking about it (I spent a full day really depressed, after we had that talk, and another day slightly depressed) kind of deflated everything else I was thinking about ...

I love you all!!

Sun Sign: Cancer

I always objected to being a Cancer when I was younger; I hated living in my house, and being around my (huge and chaotic)family all the time, and Cancers are always supposed to be hugely maternal and family-oriented and love staying at home, etc.
As I've gotten older, I've realized, it manifests thusly: I need a haven. My haven is generally my home, especially now that I have at least some control over my home; particularly my bedroom. (I suppose it would be the whole house if I had the whole house to myself--a thing I want very much.) I need a haven. I need a place to go to, to recharge in. If I don't have that, I get really stressed out. This has been a really long week, and not for reasons that most people would understand, either. It's hard to explain to the average Virgo or Sagittarius that I've had a really long week because I haven't been home much, I haven't been able to recharge my batteries much at all this week. It's been awful.
So, today I'm dead. Partly because I spent over 7 hours on my feet, but mostly because I have been away from my haven for way too long.

Anyway, not much else to report, other than that I'm finally home. I've totally fallen down on my goals of writing and practicing violin every day, just because of this week, but I will get back on it. Promise.
And I'm going to veg out and watch old episodes of Bones on Hulu, maybe make some popcorn, and try to get some idea of a picture to take for today ....
Love you all!

Thoughts of Changes

I never thought I'd want to change the way my blog looks. It's black and pink, and a bit of purple. What could be better? And yet, coming to my personal blog from my photoblog, which is light-colored ... well, I thought ... wow, that's really dark.
Hmm. It may still come to naught.

What I really came here to say was, I wrote some articles for eHow just now, and I'm excited about it. eHow is one of my favorite websites (along with Fashion-Era and Elizabethan Costuming), and I've contemplated writing articles for it, but I've always thought, oh, there's already articles for everything I know how to do ...
And for the most part, that's true, but! I wrote an article that had been requested, so presumably hadn't been written before (How to Make Cinnamon Oil), and then I wrote a set of two articles on the Fertility Awareness Method (one on using it to get pregnant, and one on using it for birth control), and technically, there were already articles that discussed FAM, but often they were inaccurate (using the label FAM, but giving instructions, for example, that involved looking at past cycles to determine your future cycles, which doesn't do shit), or I felt they could have been done better.
And I felt that way about the feng shui articls, too, that I could do better.
So, here I am. It helps that I can get paid if enough people visit my articles, so ... do me a favor: visit me! You don't even have to read the articles, just show up, give 'em a once-over, maybe leave a comment saying how much you love me, and that's all.

Anyway, love you all! I still feel compelled to do something writerly with either my novel or short story, even though I spent all day writing, technically. I'm going to have to figure out why article-writing doesn't feel like "writing" to me ...
But, like I said, I still have to write, and I'm TIRED! (As usual.) So I want to write and get to bed!

Briefly

I have officially moved my Project 365 photoblog to the Asylum 2009, which is hosted by Blogger, and thus is so much better. I haven't gotten rid of the old one, but I'll not update it anymore, so if you're following my year of photos, check the Asylum.

My Sister's Corset

As promised, I present to you my sister's Christmas corset!
The bottom pictures are her wearing it, the top is the laced front and back pictures, and in the middle is some detailed stuff ...
I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out, and my sister loved it!

Project 365

Okay, I said I would post the blog info. My Project 365 blog is: http://www.photoblog.com/chambermaid/
I will hopefully be uploading new pictures every day, so check back every once in a while. I will also post some pictures here every once in a while, but not as many as one per day.

Anyway, I love you all! Have a wonderful day!

Aphrodite's Call, by Jasmin Cori

Hunters Beware!
My body is a vast land
and you come by invitation only.

Who amongst you has the courage
to enter my forests without a bow?
Who can meet the Animal in me
and not be devoured?

I am Aphrodite
and I know my wealth!
There are no rivers deeper than mine
no mountains that have claimed the lives of more men
foolish in their choices.

He who answers my call
must be ever-vigilant
lest he slip on the sheer cliffs
high above the paths that ordinary men walk
and falling, meets his death below.

And yet he must not be stopped by the fear of it.
He must be dauntless in his courage
and reckless as a youth
for there is no turning back.

I call the lion-hearted,
He who asks not for comfort and safety
but goes all out for ecstasy
to lose himself in the Great Dance
consumed in my fire, melted in my rivers
one with the elements.

Come swim in me!
Plunge boldly into the depths of my passion
carrying nothing
for there is nothing you can bring me
that I do not already have.
I want only your delight.

And so the final paradox:
You the strongest and bravest of men
must come not as conqueror
but as child
with your heart in your hands
to be in this moment only
not mine, but one with me.