Suddenly depressed.

If I fail to write in my journal, or to update my blog, for a sufficiently long period of time, I start to avoid it, because I feel embarrassed about leaving it alone for so long. Or I feel overwhelmed by all the things I haven't written about, or I just feel like I can't think of anything to say. This, of course, compounds the issue.
Earlier today I decided to write in my blog, but I think trying to figure out how to start pushed me in the direction of being overwhelmed, because I suddenly felt depressed. (That and Dylan calling to say that he was having fun and hanging out with people and eating, so I guess that means I have to figure out dinner by myself, and get to sit here by myself until he gets home. I'm even in a somewhat social mood, having spent an hour or so hanging out with a few pagans--and in conversation with one I'd just met for a good deal of that time. Me being actively social happens so rarely ... )
Anyway, I almost left the blog post alone. We're singing in the morning, and Dylan and I are part of the contingent that will be spending the first part of the morning at San Esteban's, doing some kind of an outreach or interfaith community sort of thing: our church (the UU church) and theirs (an Hispanic Presbyterian church? don't remember) are doing community stuff, and that includes our choirs singing together. Anyway, it's way west and a fair bit south, so we'll have to leave even earlier than we normally would on a Sunday morning, and that have been as good excuse as any to go to bed without writing anything.

Now I'm just not sure what to say. I can think of things, but I'd like to save most of them for their own topics. So I guess I'll sign off, eat some dinner, and sleep. And tomorrow I'll wake up, sing, and probably go straight to work for eight-and-a-half hours. Yay ...
Not for the first time, I wish I had internet access at work.

Listening to Avenue Q

Listening to songs from Avenue Q.
Brilliant musical. Many thanks to James, who introduced this to me ...

For Now
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.
Take a breath,
Look around,
Swallow your pride,
For now...
For now...

Nothing lasts,
Life goes on,
Full of surprises.
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.
You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...
For now...

But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
For now we're healthy.
For now we're employed.
For now we're happy...
If not overjoyed.
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...
For now...
For now...
For now...
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!

Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!

Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!
Each time you smile...
...Only for now
It'll only last a while.
...Only for now
Life may be scary...
...Only for now
But it's only temporary

Everything in life is only for now.

If I Fall (chorus)

This is (probably) the chorus of the song I'm working on. Give it a listen, let me know what you think ...



P.S. MAJOR thanks to this video tutorial for being the only person I could find who knew how to do this. Woot.

If I Fall

I started writing some music yesterday ... and by writing music, I definitely don't mean actually writing anything down (though I did jot down some proto-lyrics just hoping the little note would help me actually remember the tune of what is probably the chorus long enough to sing it all the way through).
I was at work, and I started humming, and I started recording the bits of tune into my phone, just so I'd remember it. When I got home, I downloaded Audacity onto my computer, and started recording on my computer. I've come up with some words along the way, and I have a full chorus, and maybe even a real verse ... though no more than one.
I would love to post the chorus as a .WAV file here, but I'm not sure how yet. (Help?)
I also have no idea how to do anything but come up with the vox. I don't really play any instruments (sorta know how to play the piano, right hand only; I'm trying to teach myself the violin but I've been neglecting it--though not for long, I have a friend who will at least help me tune it; etc.), really I'm just a vocalist.
I was thinking the song might go on my CD of poetry that I've been working on for a couple years now (off and on--and now it's on, baby, since I have a way to record myself again). The idea for that was to record some of my poetry and give the CD to my friends and family. We'll see.
Anyway, as soon as I figure out how to share the music, I'll do that. Love you all.

I'm Not Here

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on, and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here.
Goo Goo Dolls, I'm Still Here

This song came into my head yesterday, and I think it explains a bit of how I felt Sunday--utterly unconnected to anyone or anything, especially walking into what felt like the mass of humanity (in reality, somewhere between 20 and 100 people) that was gathered in Elliot Hall after first service. (Unitarian church choir sang on Sunday.)
So, I was singing this song, or the bits that I remembered, that floated to the top of my brain, over and over last night, and I wanted to find it, and see how similar it was to what I remembered. (Pretty much only the chorus is usable for me, in this context.)

Alternate words:
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on, and feel I'm alive

I also wanted to just say how grateful I am for my very dear friends who help keep me from being too gods-damned crazy.

Anyway, I need to go, so I can do my morning things (eat breakfast, shower, etc.), and then run some errands, like picking up my new tiny GL top hat from the post office, and going to a fabric store for EA-concert-costume-fabric.

Singing!

I LOVE singing!
My family didn't end up making it to the Solstice singing, because of the awful weather, but that's okay.
It was amazing, and I wish I had the ability to make a recording of us, and put it on the blog, but alas.
But anyway, I've really missed singing with the choir, so I'll probably join up again after New Year's. People in the Solstice choir kept asking me if I was going to join up again.
But I loved it. It made me so happy to be singing again.
So.

Also, I've added two new goals to my Big Fun Scary Goals, and I made a thingy on the right that lists them all, so I can keep track of them.
The new goals: Project 365, which is take a picture every day for a year. I've started up a new blog just for that (so as not to overrun the personal blog with the project, but I will post some pictures), and I'll put the address in here somewhere as soon as it's viable. Also, start seriously paying off my debts. I wasn't going to make that a goal, but ... it needs to happen. So.
Progress Report: the only thing to report on is that I've written or done writerly things every day since Wednesday, so that's three days in a row. (Yesterday I made a private blog for my writings, so when I'm visiting my family for the holidays I can still write every day, since my laptop's out of commission ... it counts as a writerly thing.)

Anyway, love you all!

Update?

I don't really have anything to update with.
Life is being difficult, lately. I'm so gods-damned lonely, sometimes. I think at least part of that is that I'm so fucking isolated. I see people on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Occasionally I see my roommate.
This is why I could never live alone--and I'm not living alone.
But the Wednesday game might move to Tuesdays (which means I couldn't go to that CoDA meeting I haven't started attending, but ... ), which means I'll have Wednesdays, and if I can get off my ass/out of my fucking house, then I can go to that knitting night and the women-only class/night at the SLC Bicycle Collective on alternating Wednesdays. So that will be another--activity.
I need fucking friends. I need people that I see for purely social events. Preferably women friends. I don't have any of those (Britta, I miss you more than ever, right now--and I agree, a photoshoot with you would have kicked ASS! If one of us can get up to visiting the other, we'll have to plan something). (To be more accurate: I have three very good women friends that I see once per week, for an activity. Very little socializing.)
And Cecil, my other friend who I actually see and hang out with (and is male, but NOT interested in me, which makes him almost as good as a woman) is leaving soon. Which will be awesome for him, but ...

Blah.
I apologize. I think I'm depressed. I also haven't written a gods-damned thing yet today, which is bad.

Anyway.
I'm listening to Laura Marling; a gift from an old lover. I'd never listened to her before, but found the CD today and started listening. It's kind of amazing. I don't "feel" all of her songs, but there's a few that really speak to me.

Also, I'm making a role-playing game. So far it's called Splinter Worlds. It's mostly a White Wolf/d10 system, with some changes, and the world is my own (of course), which is heavily influenced by the World of Darkness, but with a Rifts/TORG twist to it. Or something.
Eventually, once all the rules are sorted out in my head and such, I'll make all my gaming friends play it--so if you play RPGs and are my friend, then you've been warned.

Also, I'm writing. I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month, which means I have to write 50,000 by the end of this month. I'm over halfway by now, but like I said, today has not been a writing day.
But so far, I have a plot, I have several characters, I have a fascinating world (which is actually similar to my Splinter Worlds world, but much simpler--or rather, I haven't really defined in my book where the magic comes from, and I have in the game), and I have a lot of words, a lot of which are very bad, and some of which are very good.
Umm, it's a fantasy (shocking, I know . . . ), and there's magic and other creatures (vamps, 'shifters--which are basically werecreatures), and there's war. And a couple subplots are creeping in at the last second, so that's good.
The bad is that I'm a little over halfway through my words, and I'm coming up on the culminating event. I figure, though, once I hit the end of the story, if I don't have 50,000 words yet, I can go back and fill some stuff in, maybe flesh out my subplots so they exist earlier, something like that.

Anyway, I'm going to go, and maybe write. Or something.
I love you all.


And if you swear that you're alright,
I'm not gonna try and change your mind.
Cause the same night I dream that I lose you I'll fall in love
And oh honey don't let me walk away from this
If I'm trying to fuck up my own life,
Then until I figure out why,
I think it's best you keep your distance
Lest I fall in love.
Old Stone, Laura Marling

And I’m sorry young man, I cannot be your friend.
I don’t believe in a fairytale end
I don’t keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind
My Manic and I, Laura Marling

If I feel God judging me,
Well I fell into the water, now I’m free.
My friends they don’t really get me,
think I’m the only one
Well I sold my soul to Jesus and since then I've had no fun
The Captain and the Hourglass, Laura Marling

My mom's playing Shania Twain ...

... and I'm about to off myself.

I'm only in the main house because the internet connection is stronger here, and I really want some better ringtones for my new phone. Like Emilie Autumn. Or perhaps Rasputina.
Speaking of Emilie Autumn and Rasputina, I just came across a CD put together by Emilie Autumn, one of the chicks from Rasputina, and some other people, entitled Attrition: All mine enemys whispers. It's the story of a Victorian mass murderer, Mary Ann Cotton, who poisoned 20 of her children/partners.
My gods, it sounds amazing!
Release date is in late March, and there was no price listed, yet, so I can't even pre-order it yet. But it comes with reproduction stickers of original Victorian poison bottle labels. How cool is that?

Anyway, plans for Chicago are moving swiftly towards the me-ending-up-in-Chicago-very-soon direction.
I basically have to figure out how much money I'll need to get there, and to pay for first rent and all that shit, and figure out when I'll have that much, and Emily (my sister) needs to find us a place to live. Then I'm good to go.
Good thing I haven't been working on Saturdays lately. More time to pack.

Anyway. Love you all, more updates when I get them. I need to buy some ringtones, shower, and escape to my bedroom for some darkwave victoriandustrial musically orgasmic deliciousness.

lol

If You Feel Better

Hey, it's my new theme song! Or definitely should have been a couple months ago (when I got that crappy email). It is, of course, Emilie Autumn, it is called If You Feel Better, and it's from Enchant, and I'm changing one word to make it more my theme song--her line is: "How can any man be so blind".

If you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind
If it's necessary
If it helps you out
Crying that I'm heartless
It's alright

And I'm sorry to cause you so much pain
And I'm sorry to bring you down again
'Cause I've reached the end and I won't fight anymore
I don't know what you really want from me
But I don't fit in your reality
How can anyone be so blind
But if you feel better
I don't mind

Won't make me sorry 'cause I'm cruel
Won't hurt the feelings I don't have
Won't break the heart that isn't there you'll find
But if you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind

I must say again, I absolutely ADORE Enchant. And I feel terrible, because I've been ignoring Laced/Unlaced, and Unlaced is amazing.

Oh, I also had some very good chats with people today.
Tara, my boss: we talked about insurance and how I may be able to get insurance next month, instead of waiting six months. We also discussed my hypothyroidism, and it was very, very good. (Note to self: talking to people and trusting people is very good for me.) Ummm, she also said some really nice about what I'm like when I'm functioning. That was good, because I feel so fucking misunderstood a lot of the time, because of the thyroid fucking with me.
Dad: we chatted about how he's mostly worried about my (lack of) insurance, and if I can pay for insurance+doctor's bills and take care of myself on the Bakery paycheck, that he, despite practically forcing me (I was unwilling) to apply for crappy jobs through Monster, doesn't actually care what I do for a living. He was mostly worried (apparently) about the fact that I was going to have to wait six months to have insurance.

I also spent some time with a good friend of mine I kinda like the other night. We chatted a lot. Mostly about stupid stuff, nothing serious. But again, it was just nice to sit and talk, and not worry about anything. I worry too much. About what people think, what they're saying about me behind my back, when they're going to decide they hate me and never want to talk to me again.

Anyway. I am fucking tired, so I'm going to sleep.

Alanis Morissette

because I can't not
because I can't not
because I can't afford to be misread one more time

and who do you think you are why do you question me?
Can't Not, by Alanis Morissette

Sorry, but my life right now is revolving around certain things: my thyroid and how it affects me and how so many people have completely misread me, the note I got from my "friend" and wondering how the rest of that group of friends feels about me, and the way the past keeps repeating itself, and how I always want to run away whenever I fuck up that badly.

It's just that I'd complain about some of the ways my body's not working, and people would always just be like, oh, it's just stress. You're not depressed, you're stressed. Your body's not falling apart, you're just stressed. You're not going crazy, you're just stressed. (Oh, wait.)
I remember vividly talking to the Storyteller of the Sunday games, telling him about problems I've already complained about (the constant fatigue, the inability to sleep, etc.), and then I told him the "new development", that thyroid problems run in my family, and I think that might be it. Now, I didn't mention that I had just learned this that weekend, because I figured he'd understand that since I hadn't mentioned it before, he would realize I hadn't known about it before.
No. He assumed I had known about it all along, and basically told me, you're just imagining things. You're just looking for a reason, an excuse, when really, you're just stressed.
And I mean, I guess it makes sense. It makes sense that people would already know their own family's medical history, and all that.
The problem, of course, being that I'm not most people. My dad was adopted, and has no medical history from his biological parents. And my dad's the one who brought us the thyroid problem.
Blah.

I'm supposed to be cleaning (again, my "rent"), but I was listening to Alanis while cleaning, heard the song, and had to post a note.
Laters, before dad finds me on the computer and yells at me.

What a Day (or Two)

I don't even know where to begin. I've been wanting to write up a post the past couple days, but the computer/internet has been being stupid. My computer says that the network has not assigned my computer an address, and so connection to the internet is sporadic, and my brother insists that it's an "open network", which apparently means that it doesn't matter, but unfortunately, connection to the internet continues to be sporadic.
I'm using my family's computer; my brother and sister are at a concert, so the computer's free.

A few days ago, I was reading a book my sister lent me (A Great and Terrible Beauty, I can't remember the author), and one of the characters engages in self-mutilation. She explained to the main character that she did it because she couldn't feel anything, and she hurt herself basically to see if she *could* feel. Now, I've heard this before (I had a friend a few years back who also (used to) use self-mutilation), but for some reason, it struck me with particular force. Perhaps because recently, it's occurred to me that I also have trouble feeling. I haven't begun to self-mutilate, but that may be that I am in enough pain already (in brief, my spine is crooked, which causes back and neck pain, as well as headaches, my joints are in constant pain, possibly because my thyroid probably doesn't work properly (I haven't seen a doctor yet), and I haven't been able to get new corrective lenses (glasses/contacts), so I'm getting (even more) headaches).
I dunno. I've been reading about the thyroid gland lately (in brief, I've been feeling terrible for a couple years, then found out thyroid troubles run in my family, so started looking into it), and it seems the thyroid is involved with emotions. (And a million other things.)
The song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls came to mind:
You can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
And when everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

The last line. Thyroid does all sorts of things to a person. Makes you irritable, pulls your emotions/mood in all sorts of different directions, makes you depressed, anxious, stressed-out. I feel like everyone who knows me really doesn't. I haven't been fully alive for years. I don't even understand myself. I do things I don't even understand. I don't know why I do them. I get that I'm terrified of intimacy, so I push people away. But I do all sorts of things, and I don't understand my own reasons and motivations.
My life has no meaning, sometimes.

Anyway. I got an email--well, I suppose it was sent a few days ago, but I wasn't able to check my email for a few days. It was from someone I was friendly with. It's happened before, people I thought were friends who actually didn't like me much. She sent me an email basically tearing me apart, telling me everything she doesn't like about me.
Honestly, it stressed me out. I was shaking, I felt anxious, I couldn't cope. I sent a short reply, but not very in-depth. And I tried to be polite.

But anyway, it's late. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.