27 November 2008

hey, it's a holiday ...

First, important news flash: I was NOT depressed yesterday! Yay!

But it's Thanksgiving, which is a "family" holiday, and it's the first Thanksgiving EVER where I'm not spending it with some version of family (the best was probably when I was with Nick, and I spent it with HIS family, because I actually liked his family).
That's the thing. I'd be depressed if I was spending the day with my family (or worse, if I was spending the weekend with my family) because they'd manage to make known to me all the ways in which I am a disappointment--or they would ignore me, either way.

But the only plan I have for Thanksgiving is something later tonight where I'm likely to know one person, and meanwhile all of my friends are off frolicking with their families, and I'm effing depressed.

I fucking hate holidays. Or at least Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year's ... it's the time of year I am most forcibly reminded that, for the most part, no one really sees me ...

24 November 2008

Still Somewhat Depressed

But not so lonely. That's fine. Depressed is pretty much par for the course, for me. So I'm all good, there.
I'm also at the place that I predicted in my last update: my story is done, and my words have not yet run out. I mean, it's not done-done, there's wrapping up stuff to accomplish, but I can't write that right now.
On the plus side, I seem to averaging about 3,000 words a day, for the past little while, which means I don't have to push myself too hard to get to 50,000 by Sunday, or even Saturday. (Saturday is preferable, because that means I can play on Sunday.)
I'm running low on inspiration, though. I dunno, I've been like that all month; NaNoWriMo predicts certain times of elation and certain times of frustration and dragging feet (Week One is awesome, Week Two is hard, etc.). But I've had an awful slog the whole month, except for the 15th, on which I wrote 6.5K in one day. That was cool. Lots of shit happened.

Anyway. Still depressed, like I said. So this will be short, and I'll try to force myself to write some more. My goal for the day was to hit 40,000, which is about 6,700 words, but if I write just a little more, I can get 4,000 words today, which would be decent.

Sorry I'm so focused on my novel. Next month, I swear, I'll talk about something else.
I love you all.

21 November 2008


I don't really have anything to update with.
Life is being difficult, lately. I'm so gods-damned lonely, sometimes. I think at least part of that is that I'm so fucking isolated. I see people on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Occasionally I see my roommate.
This is why I could never live alone--and I'm not living alone.
But the Wednesday game might move to Tuesdays (which means I couldn't go to that CoDA meeting I haven't started attending, but ... ), which means I'll have Wednesdays, and if I can get off my ass/out of my fucking house, then I can go to that knitting night and the women-only class/night at the SLC Bicycle Collective on alternating Wednesdays. So that will be another--activity.
I need fucking friends. I need people that I see for purely social events. Preferably women friends. I don't have any of those (Britta, I miss you more than ever, right now--and I agree, a photoshoot with you would have kicked ASS! If one of us can get up to visiting the other, we'll have to plan something). (To be more accurate: I have three very good women friends that I see once per week, for an activity. Very little socializing.)
And Cecil, my other friend who I actually see and hang out with (and is male, but NOT interested in me, which makes him almost as good as a woman) is leaving soon. Which will be awesome for him, but ...

I apologize. I think I'm depressed. I also haven't written a gods-damned thing yet today, which is bad.

I'm listening to Laura Marling; a gift from an old lover. I'd never listened to her before, but found the CD today and started listening. It's kind of amazing. I don't "feel" all of her songs, but there's a few that really speak to me.

Also, I'm making a role-playing game. So far it's called Splinter Worlds. It's mostly a White Wolf/d10 system, with some changes, and the world is my own (of course), which is heavily influenced by the World of Darkness, but with a Rifts/TORG twist to it. Or something.
Eventually, once all the rules are sorted out in my head and such, I'll make all my gaming friends play it--so if you play RPGs and are my friend, then you've been warned.

Also, I'm writing. I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month, which means I have to write 50,000 by the end of this month. I'm over halfway by now, but like I said, today has not been a writing day.
But so far, I have a plot, I have several characters, I have a fascinating world (which is actually similar to my Splinter Worlds world, but much simpler--or rather, I haven't really defined in my book where the magic comes from, and I have in the game), and I have a lot of words, a lot of which are very bad, and some of which are very good.
Umm, it's a fantasy (shocking, I know . . . ), and there's magic and other creatures (vamps, 'shifters--which are basically werecreatures), and there's war. And a couple subplots are creeping in at the last second, so that's good.
The bad is that I'm a little over halfway through my words, and I'm coming up on the culminating event. I figure, though, once I hit the end of the story, if I don't have 50,000 words yet, I can go back and fill some stuff in, maybe flesh out my subplots so they exist earlier, something like that.

Anyway, I'm going to go, and maybe write. Or something.
I love you all.

And if you swear that you're alright,
I'm not gonna try and change your mind.
Cause the same night I dream that I lose you I'll fall in love
And oh honey don't let me walk away from this
If I'm trying to fuck up my own life,
Then until I figure out why,
I think it's best you keep your distance
Lest I fall in love.
Old Stone, Laura Marling

And I’m sorry young man, I cannot be your friend.
I don’t believe in a fairytale end
I don’t keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind
My Manic and I, Laura Marling

If I feel God judging me,
Well I fell into the water, now I’m free.
My friends they don’t really get me,
think I’m the only one
Well I sold my soul to Jesus and since then I've had no fun
The Captain and the Hourglass, Laura Marling

19 November 2008



There's more pictures at, and the photographer can be found at

It was TONS of fun, by the way. I really like modeling. I got to dress up--the corset is something I made, the skirt was modified with lots of safety pins and some tulle and some padding to make it puffy--and put on crazy makeup and do my hair REAL crazy, and it was just FUN.
Plus, honestly, I think that modeling is a more healthy outlet for my self-centered/attention-needy tendencies. MUCH better than trying to find a boy who will pay attention to me.

Anyway, I've got nearly 23,500 words (of the 50,000 needed for National Novel Writing Month), so I'm going to finish up my web-trawling and attention-whoring, and go back to writing.
Much love to you all!!!