31 December 2008


Okay, my first goal was to make my BFS goals more manageable, so here's my attempt:

-produce a 2nd, or less rough, draft of my 2008 NaNo novel
-win NaNo 2009 (50,000 words in November 2009)
-make my bedroom look better: a real bed/futon, a better computer desk, more shelves
-learn to be more happy with life as I know it, find things to be grateful for or happy about ... more joy and more peace in my life
-create a women's retreat (OR the Fun version, below)
-Project 365: take a picture a day for one year

-sew a new wardrobe for myself: at least, three new pairs of pants (based on a pair I already have), one more corset for myself, two skirts, one shirt, and one pair of underwear (based on a pair I already have)
-sit down in front of the computer every day, to write or edit or think or plot
-practice violin every day
-learn to do "fancy stuff" with knitting
-finish the poetry CD project I started this year (which requires me to acquire recording equipment, even just GarageBand)
-spend time at a women's retreat (something like this)
-brush up on French and Russian (I'll define this more later, it's new)

-get a gods-damned job!
-sell artwork! in a gallery! (or a cafe, or something like that)
-start seriously paying off my debt

Love you all! Happy New Year!

Ring Out, Wild Bells

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.
Alfred Lord Tennyson

It's a song in my church hymnbook growing up, and it was my favorite song ever. The song doesn't have all the verses his poem does. It's a bit much, altogether, but I still like it. (I'll admit, I mostly like the paganness of the first verse.)
But it's still a truth: you need to let certain things die, you need to give death to things that are holding you back. I think this year I am giving death to my lack of trusting; I know this year is about connections, and healing. I put an ad on Craigslist looking for friends, because I need more, but also because this year I am reaching out, and connecting with people, and looking for healing in embracing others, and not turning away from them. We'll see how that goes. (I admit freely I can be a lousy friend ... but I'm working on it.)
(For those who know/are interested, I drew a single card for the new year (this was for Samhain), and I got the Queen of Cups, reversed.)

My first goal for the New Year is to make my goals slightly more goal-like. They say you're supposed to make goals tangible things, to make them more achievable, and right now I have things like "make a new wardrobe". Blah. What does that mean?
I also have to find a way to do my everyday things (like practicing the violin and writing) on Sundays, which even in November, I only wrote on one Sunday, and then not very much.
I also had, I think, two others that I had been thinking about, and didn't write down, and now I can't remember.
That sucks. Hopefully I'll remember them, though.

Anyway, love you all! Have a lovely New Year's Eve!

29 December 2008

Home again.

Just a brief update to say that I'm home again in my own home, and no longer hanging out with my family. I failed to see my aunts and uncle, which is sad, but ...
I've been practicing my violin a little, but I haven't been writing much. Blah.

But anyway ... I downloaded a bunch of rare Emilie Autumn songs from, and I'm in love.
I love Emilie Autumn.

Also, my little sister's guinea pigs had babies again (probably the first boy baby impregnated his mother, since the father's had his balls cut out), and there's a possibility I might take the new babies. It depends on a couple things, like money and whether or not I can get all the supplies, and stuff, but I really want an animal or two, and cats are right out, as my roommate is allergic. So, I was thinking about rats, but since there are guinea pigs that will need a home soon ... I'm just hoping they're both girls. (They could be both boys, and what I've read so far says that more than two boys tend to be territorial (implying that two boys is fine), but I just remember from my mice days that multiple females was considered preferable than multiple males, because multiple males would fight and be more smelly.)
So, we'll see.

Anyway, like I said, just a quick update. I love you all!

26 December 2008

One more Christmas update ...

Because I totally forgot!
Apparently, my Grandma knows Stephanie Meyer (who wrote Twilight), and Grandpa said that when I finish editing, etc., my novel, they can ask Stephanie Meyer for her agent's contact info, and that would be a serious networking leap for me.
So, I'm pretty much going to start on it as soon as I get back from my family's house.

The problem is ... while I was writing, I didn't have as much of a problem with it, because I was seriously just in the "write and don't worry about it" zone, but now ... I am seriously wondering if it's worthwhile at all. Blah.

Anyway, I love you all!!

25 December 2008


Happy Christmas.
I'm feeling better. (Thanks Nick!)

So, for explanations: I have three sisters (Emily, Brooks, and Libby), two brothers (Tyler and Joseph), and one "new" sister (Amia; she's a foreign exchange student living with my family for a year).
Tyler's doing a mission-thing for the LDS church currently, which means he was not here for Christmas.
So that's the people; plus my parents and grandparents (my dad's parents).

The traditions: Christmas Eve, we read about "the birth of Christ" in the Bible. We also do this Swedish tradition that I helped bring back to our family; my great-grandparents (on my dad's side) were Swedish (like, they came over from Sweden), and when they were alive and we had Christmas with them we did the "oolie-oolie-oolie-ay", which is the "we-don't-know-Swedish" version. It's an old Pagan custom, of course, adapted for Christianity and taken over by Santa Lucia, who is an Italian saint that got REALLY popular in Sweden for some reason, and the tradition involves the oldest girl-child wearing a crown of greens and candles (we use electric) and ringing bells, leading the rest of the family through every room of the house, singing and ringing the bells, to chase away the bad spirits and invite the good ones.
Papa and Mema were the only ones who really knew the song, though, so when they died, no one else could really do it anymore. So one Christmas, as a present to my dad, I talked to several family members, and got the music and the words and a rough phonetic pronounciation, and made the crown and the bells, and so now every year we do it.
(Long explanation, sorry.)
Also, we get pajamas every year on Christmas Eve (so we can sleep in them and wake up on Christmas in them), and an ornament every year--which, for the last two years, we've chosen names Secret Santa-style and made ornaments for each other. And we each open one present before going to bed.

So. For the Secret Santa, I got my sister Brooks, and Amia had me. I made Brooks a clay turtle ornament, because she loves turtles--and she LOVED it, which made me happy. Since we put all the ornaments on the tree, and then just pick them up and hand them to our person on Christmas Eve, I was looking at all the new ornaments, and there was this awesome Solstice-y one that was a gold ball, and a sun(flower) hanging from it (I'll post pictures once I'm back home), and that was my favorite (though there were other cool ones). And that was the one Amia had made for me! Which was awesome!
Our Christmas Eve presents, we usually open the present from our Secret Santa person, unless there's a reason not to (like I hadn't finished Brooks' corset yet, so she opened someone else's present), and Amia got me a REALLY nice copy of The Mists of Avalon--which is an AMAZING book!

Then, in the morning, we do the rest of the presents.
It was gratifying, because everyone really liked my presents. I got Joseph a play-dough set; Libby got a locking diary (to go inside the hollow book I got her for her birthday); Brooks of course got her corset (or, will get as soon as I'm finished); Amia got cute earrings with snowflakes on them (she's from Bolivia and Colombia and hasn't seen a lot of snow until getting here, so she loves things with snow); and I got Emmy a CD that took FOREVER to find (Remember That I Love You, by Kimya Dawson).
So that part was awesome.
Emmy got me a GORGEOUS bottle and Brooks got me an AWESOME wind-chime thingy.
I also got a super-suvvy (soft&fuzzy) robe and new slippers (my old ones were dying).
But the best presents were an air popper (for popcorn), which makes me SOOO happy (I LOVE popcorn), and a violin, which I didn't ask for, which makes it even better, in a way.
The violin was my mom's, for a while, when she was younger. So that's really cool. She also got me a book and a CD and things like a shoulder rest and rosin and useful violin-y things.
It makes me super-happy. It also means that my goal of learning to play the violin this year will be a LOT easier.

So, anyway, that was Christmas.
Our other tradition is to go see a movie in the evening; we saw Bedtime Stories, which I liked more than I thought I would.

On a quick non-Christmas-related note: I think my relationships-situations are looking up slightly. At least, I've had conversations with my complicated, and we've talked about things, which helps. (And I got to talk about the boy who doesn't like me enough, which made me feel a little better about it.)

Anyway, I'm less depressed/worried than I was before, so yay.
Happy Christmas. I love you all.

Gods Rest Ye Unitarians
(sung to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen)
Gods rest ye Unitarians
Let nothing you dismay
Remember there's no evidence,
There was a Christmas Day
When Christ was born is just not known
No matter what they say
Oh, tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact
Oh tidings of reason and fact

There was no Star of Bethlehem,
There was no angel song.
There couldn't have been three wise men;
The trip would take too long.
The stories in the Bible are
Historically wrong
Oh, tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact
Oh tidings of reason and fact

Our current Christmas customs come
From Persia and from Greece
From solstice celebrations of
The ancient Middle East
The whole damn Christmas spiel is just
Another pagan feast
Oh, tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact
Oh tidings of reason and fact

23 December 2008


I've been home for all of ten seconds, and already I'm depressed.
I get to sleep on the couch because "I don't know where else to put her" (and I quote). I get to find my own pillows and blankets (and the house is freezing, as always), and there's no blinds on the HUGE window in the family room, so it's a good thing I remembered my eye mask thing. And of course my brother's going to want to watch TV at like 7 in the morning ...

Blah. I'm depressed. If it weren't for the fact that my aunts and uncle were coming in on Saturday, I would absolutely say right now that I'm leaving ASAP, which would be Friday. But they are, so I'm only seriously considering it, instead of deciding.

I'm so fucking tired of this shit.

But I love you all ...

22 December 2008


So, I made a corset recently, for myself (the picture is it), and I'm currently making a corset for my sister for her Christmas present (a picture is forthcoming).
After making my corset, and doing the photoshoot with my friend Cecil, he said that I should make clothes and sell them, because he was WAY excited about the clothes I had made, and the way I was able to cobble together outfits out of existing clothes and scraps of fabric, etc.
So, I was at a fabric store yesterday buying ribbon for the trim for my sister's corset, and the lady who was helping me was asking about my project, so I told her a bit about it all, and she said that so many people come into the store looking to make a corset and get discouraged when they learn how complicated it is, and do I sell them?

So, two prompts in the same direction are enough for me. I talked to my friend Lisa last night, and she gave me lots of ideas about where to advertise that I make corsets, like Ren Faires and there's a Shakespeare Festival somewhere in Utah that's apparently HUGE, and clubs and shows where drag queens hang out (because apparently a friend of hers makes corsets, and has been approached by drag queens who wanted corsets for their shows), etc.
I'm REALLY excited about it. It's gonna have to wait till at least after Christmas, but more specifically, after I'm done with my sister's corset.

Anyway, I'm way excited about it. I'll let you all know how it goes ...
Love you all!

21 December 2008


Happy Solstice everyone! Yay!

I just wish I'd gotten more sleep last night, and/or that I'd actually DONE something for Solstice.
I've got gaming today, which I will head to shortly, so I can't actually do much today, although I did do my full daily reading of cards (I have three different decks I do stuff with, and on good days, I draw one card from each). Ideally, I'd like to do a full (multi-card) reading with my Tarot deck, but alas. I have not the time. Maybe I can do it tonight, or tomorrow morning.
Anyway. I'll figure something out.

In other news: things are getting increasingly ... interesting, in the relationship arena for me, mostly because I have no clue what the hells I want. (I admit, it doesn't help that most of the people I get involved with don't seem to know what they want, either ... )
I'm still "pining over" someone who's clearly not that into me, and I'm getting tangled up in something that is best described as 'complicated'.
What I want is to not continue making the same choices over again. That's all I want. Gods, why is it so hard?

I'm probably not going to be writing today, because I went to bed around 2:30am, and got up around 8:30 because I absolutely had to, and I have to leave soon to go to game.
However, it counts if I do "writerly stuff", so I'll try to do something along those lines on the bus today ... maybe I'll work out a plot-like thing while sewing the buttonhole stitches on my sister's corset.
I'll have to take pictures of it once I'm done. (Note to self: bring camera and cord to family's house for Christmas ... )

Alright, I gotta go. I love you all!!!
Have a wonderful Midwinter!

19 December 2008


I LOVE singing!
My family didn't end up making it to the Solstice singing, because of the awful weather, but that's okay.
It was amazing, and I wish I had the ability to make a recording of us, and put it on the blog, but alas.
But anyway, I've really missed singing with the choir, so I'll probably join up again after New Year's. People in the Solstice choir kept asking me if I was going to join up again.
But I loved it. It made me so happy to be singing again.

Also, I've added two new goals to my Big Fun Scary Goals, and I made a thingy on the right that lists them all, so I can keep track of them.
The new goals: Project 365, which is take a picture every day for a year. I've started up a new blog just for that (so as not to overrun the personal blog with the project, but I will post some pictures), and I'll put the address in here somewhere as soon as it's viable. Also, start seriously paying off my debts. I wasn't going to make that a goal, but ... it needs to happen. So.
Progress Report: the only thing to report on is that I've written or done writerly things every day since Wednesday, so that's three days in a row. (Yesterday I made a private blog for my writings, so when I'm visiting my family for the holidays I can still write every day, since my laptop's out of commission ... it counts as a writerly thing.)

Anyway, love you all!

18 December 2008


The Office of Letters and Light (NaNoWriMo) presents:
The Year of Doing Big, Fun, Scary Things Together
Chris Baty says: "The Big, Fun, Scary Adventure Challenge works like this: All of us come up with a list of things that we've long dreamed about doing, making, or being. These can be hard-nosed acts of practical skill-acquisition, such as becoming a ninja and learning to kill people with one's eyebrows. Or they can be fantastical notions such as going back to school and getting a degree in business administration."
So, I'm picking out some goals, and listing them here, under the headings of Big, Fun, or Scary. Feel free to comment with your own BFS goals. I'm also going to try to keep up with my progress and stuff. I've got a lot.

-rewrite, revise and edit my 2008 NaNo novel
-win NaNo 2009!
-get furniture (a real bed, or at least a futon, instead of mattresses on the floor, maybe more shelves, a better computer desk, etc.)
-find a way to live a life I like better than the one I have (no matter what) (I stole this word-for-word from someone else. More specifically, for me: while it's partly about improving my life in some way (getting a better job than what I've been having, or improving my surroundings somehow), it's also about being more happy with life as I know it, finding things to be grateful for or happy about ... more joy and more peace)
-spend time at/create a women's retreat (We'Moon has something)

-sew a new wardrobe for myself
-write every day (or at least sit down in front of the computer, or work on ideas, or something writerly)
-learn violin
-learn to do fancy stuff with knitting
-finish the poetry CD project I started this year (this means finding someone who has recording equipment ... I was borrowing my sister's GarageBand, but then I moved)

-get a gods-damned job!
-sell artwork! in a gallery! (or a cafe, or something like that)

Love you all!

Holidays and stuff

First of all, happy Solstice! It's coming up soon. (I'll probably post something specifically for that, though, so ... )
To any friends who are in the area and read this and who I haven't told yet: I'm singing on Friday (tomorrow) at the Unitarian Church (1300 E 600 S, roughly) at 6pm, there's a Solstice service, it'll be fun. Come! Hear me sing! You know, if you can.

Umm, but I'm really excited about that. I haven't done choir stuff in a while, so it's exciting for me.

Also, I'm starting a writing project of faerie stories. I'm borrowing heavily from White Wolf's Changeling: the Lost for now, but that's just to make it easier to just write. I'll edit it later and make up my own stuff, but it'll continue to be influenced by C:tL, because it's an AMAZING game!! (I've been reading the book so I know how cool it is and whether or not it's worth playing, because my Sunday Storyteller wants nothing to do with it, and I think that's bollocks. Especially having read part of the book.)
But anyway, I'm not entirely certain what form the writing project will take; I started thinking it would be a series of short stories, but I started putting words down, and now I'm not certain. Maybe it'll still be a series of short stories, but that are more connected than I was originally thinking. Who knows?
But I'm excited about that.

Also, back to the Solstice singing: I told my family about it, and my dad called me last night looking for slightly more details, because they had another thing to go to that night, and .... the shocking part was, my dad was wondering if they should cancel the other thing entirely, or if they would be able to do both!
This is a shock to me, because I was traumatized in my childhood by my mother choosing to go to a Garth Brooks concert instead of my choir concert ... it was very sad for me, and I guess taught me to expect that sort of thing to continue happening, so I'm very happy that my family's coming to hear me sing. I just wish that some of my other family members were going to be showing up sooner, so they could come, too. (Like, my sister's coming into town on Saturday ... I can't remember when my grandparents are coming, but probably not tomorrow ... and the rest of my family isn't coming until after Christmas, so ... )

But anyway ... I'm poor as fuck, by the way, which sucks ass.
We'll see how that goes. I guess I just need to get another shitty job (something I'd been avoiding) that still gives me enough time to write. I really do want to fix up the couple stories I have so I can try selling them ... It would be nice to get a couple rejection slips. I'll feel like a real writer then.

08 December 2008


It's snowing outside.
The weather lately has been strange. In late October/early November, it felt like September. In late November/early December, it felt like October. First snow of the year was in early-to-mid October, and it was followed by September-like weather.
Far from being excited about the nice weather, I have grown increasingly worried. I looked out at my garden, wondering if it was going to snow soon, so the ground would be ready come spring. (Technically, it's not a garden yet, but I still think of it as my garden.)
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who expressed similar feelings about the weather; she said we were fucking up the earth, and while I don't normally feel like we humans can actually have a lasting effect on the world and the planet (which is not to say we shouldn't take care of it, because it's just lazy to not clean up after yourself), I am starting to wonder.

Today, it started snowing, and instead of feeling disappointed, like, Oh, I hate snow (because I get sick of it, like everyone else), or even saying, Oh, how pretty, my reaction was, Thank the gods. I felt relieved that it had started snowing.
I keep looking out the window, just looking at the snow, glad that it's snowing.

Happy Winter, everyone. Take care of the earth and take care of yourself. I love you all.