28 October 2009


So, lots of stuff has happened since my last post ... hmmm, I don't update very often, do I?
It seems I am out of my seriously crazy time, so this is going to be the only mention of mental health I plan on making. Just that I went through a period where I felt fucking crazy, and I seem to be out of it. (Again, many thanks to my very good friends Holly, Beverly & Dylan: you three especially helped immensely.)

So, things that have happened ... (some things might be repeated because I don't remember what I've written here or not)
Emilie Autumn will be in town Nov 2nd!!!! I am currently trying to make a costume for it, but I've left it a little late. (!) So we'll see how that goes. I will post pictures when I have everything.
I've met some other Muffins (as we call ourselves; EA fans), and had delightful tea parties with them, and there are two boys in particular that I am fond of, so hopefully we'll have more tea parties after EA's show.
I broke up with my boyfriend because of severe depression and craziness, which has since lifted a lot. I'm currently trying to feel my way around what to do now. It occurs to me that I need to figure out who I am and what I want, in the vacuum of no one else's opinions/desires/needs. Since nature abhors a vacuum, I may not be able to do it, but without a boyfriend or girlfriend, there are few people who impinge their opinions/desires/needs upon the wet clay that is who I am and what I want very strongly.
I had been leaning very strongly to not wanting to date (and certainly not getting into any serious relationships right away), but something (very) unexpected happened, and I went on a date yesterday. It was lovely.
Also, I have started running a roleplaying game, Changeling the Lost, by White Wolf. It's fun and creepy, and I enjoy it immensely so far. I also really like my group. They're good.
And finally (I think this is finally), I've been commissioned to knit a pair of wristwarmers for someone. I hope to finish them tomorrow, so I can call her, and say, They're done! I finished the first one, and started the second tonight.
Oh! and speaking of knitting--I was running some errands today. I've been saying for a while that, "When I learn to do fancy stuff, I'll know how to knit," and when I learned some fancy stuff, I said, "When I've done something big--like a sweater--then I'll know how to knit." Well, I was not only knitting, but cabling, while walking, earlier today. So I think I know how to knit. I think I can officially say that.

I think that's about all. Love you all so much. I'll try to update more often.

06 October 2009

I'm Not Here

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on, and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here.
Goo Goo Dolls, I'm Still Here

This song came into my head yesterday, and I think it explains a bit of how I felt Sunday--utterly unconnected to anyone or anything, especially walking into what felt like the mass of humanity (in reality, somewhere between 20 and 100 people) that was gathered in Elliot Hall after first service. (Unitarian church choir sang on Sunday.)
So, I was singing this song, or the bits that I remembered, that floated to the top of my brain, over and over last night, and I wanted to find it, and see how similar it was to what I remembered. (Pretty much only the chorus is usable for me, in this context.)

Alternate words:
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on, and feel I'm alive

I also wanted to just say how grateful I am for my very dear friends who help keep me from being too gods-damned crazy.

Anyway, I need to go, so I can do my morning things (eat breakfast, shower, etc.), and then run some errands, like picking up my new tiny GL top hat from the post office, and going to a fabric store for EA-concert-costume-fabric.