31 October 2007


Okay, so I've decided that I'm just really bad at that whole responding-quickly-to-strangers-as-I'm-walking-past thing. Especially if I'm not expecting to be talked to. So here's the conversations I wished I'd had:

walking out of the Tesoro with my coffee, in full Hallowe'en costume; two older (graying) men filling up their car:
(something like) Is that your real hair, or is that a costume?
(what I should have said) Yes, I realize it's a shitty wig, but all my money's going to my chemotherapy ...
(I actually just acted like I didn't hear them, which wasn't too difficult, because I didn't really hear them.)

walking in a parking lot, nearly getting run over by an extremely inconsiderate driver who pretended that he couldn't see me, which, since I was in costume, had to have been difficult:
(the lady walking the other way)
Hit his car with your umbrella.
(what I should have said) I would never risk damaging my parasol for an asswipe like that.
(I actually just shared a laugh with her and moved on.)

Blah. SOOOO fucking tired.

28 October 2007


I promise better pictures soon. But I wanted to show you all!

The first is the complete outfit. You can't see my shoes, but that's okay. They're not that impressive.

The second is a closeup on the corset itself. Isn't it cute?

And the third is the back, because I was really impressed with my designing skills. It turned out exactly as I wanted, with the frilly/lacey in the back, hanging down.

Quickly: the wig my boss found at Big Lots (and it's CHEAP); the corset I made out of a bed sheet and milk-jug plastic (for boning), with button-holes instead of grommets, lace embellishments, and the most gorgeous ribbon ever. I got the pattern here. It was supposed to be an under-bust, but I made it really long. It was supposed to be "a pair of bodies"(/stays), but I didn't understand the instructions until it was too late, so it's all one piece. Underneath the corset I'm wearing part of the bedsheet, just wrapped around my front, with sheer material and lace sewn on the bottom and side edges. The bloomers I made from a pair of thrift-store pajama-bottoms (hand-sewn, because I didn't have a sewing machine at the time). The fishnets I bought at Hot Topic (shame on me), the stripey stockings I got from, and the armwarmers (that I apparently took off before taking the pictures!!) were custom-made for me by someone on dA. The parasol was a gift from my lover. I made the spoon necklace (spoonlace)(which actually you can't see in any of the pictures I have here, because I moved it out of the way in the corset close-up pic), the lace was leftover from my costume and safety-pinned on (badly), and the little black necklace was a gift from my mom.

So: the corset's a bit long, and the plastic, not having been perfectly straight to begin with, crumples weirdly and buckles a lot, because it wasn't straight.
It was an adventure sewing it. The buttonholes are a bit small, and I've already complained about the plastic.

But it's SOOO lovely!

And I am SOOO fucking tired. Time for bed!

27 October 2007

Corset Heaven

I just made a fucking corset. I am a fucking goddess.

Oh, and it's SOOOO cute.

More later about my corset and stuff, because right now, I have to finish up a couple costuming things, shower, eat and then hit the road.

I love you all. (Thanks especially for luck from a stranger ... if you read this.)

26 October 2007

I'm Going to be a Wayward Victorian Girl Escaped From an Asylum (Complete with Plague Rat!)

Part of what's amusing to me about my conversations with my dad is the communication (or lack thereof) between us. For instance, when we talk about how much money I need to live comfortably, I'm thinking in "per month", and he's thinking in "per year". Per year numbers, unless they are easily divisible by 12 months (like $12000 or $24000) confuse me. Dad said $30000 or $40000 or something, and I drew a complete blank about how much money that was, how close it was to my "what I can live with" line, etc.

Anyway, Hallowe'en is less than a week away, and I don't have a fucking corset yet. I found four milk jugs in the recycling this morning--the plastic is cut into strips and replaces the whalebone--and so I grabbed them, and the next time I go inside, I'll rinse them out, and maybe find better scissors than mine that Mom will let me use on plastic. Then I'll have the boning. But I still need fabric, grommets, and ribbon, at the very least, and lace and more ribbons if I want my corset all pretty and decorated.
Bah. I have nearly everything else, so I can skip the corset if I have to, especially since I've been invited to a Saturday Hallowe'en party, which I think is this Saturday, as in tomorrow. (I just checked, it IS this Saturday, as in tomorrow--NO CORSET for me!)
Actually, just after writing that, I started thinking: Well, if I spend the morning playing with my wig and looking up corset patterns, then buy my plague rat and the necessary bits for corset-making when I go into SLC today, and then spend this evening and tomorrow morning/afternoon sewing the corset .... then I might have a chance.
So I'm looking at corset patterns right now ...

24 October 2007

If You Feel Better

Hey, it's my new theme song! Or definitely should have been a couple months ago (when I got that crappy email). It is, of course, Emilie Autumn, it is called If You Feel Better, and it's from Enchant, and I'm changing one word to make it more my theme song--her line is: "How can any man be so blind".

If you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind
If it's necessary
If it helps you out
Crying that I'm heartless
It's alright

And I'm sorry to cause you so much pain
And I'm sorry to bring you down again
'Cause I've reached the end and I won't fight anymore
I don't know what you really want from me
But I don't fit in your reality
How can anyone be so blind
But if you feel better
I don't mind

Won't make me sorry 'cause I'm cruel
Won't hurt the feelings I don't have
Won't break the heart that isn't there you'll find
But if you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind

I must say again, I absolutely ADORE Enchant. And I feel terrible, because I've been ignoring Laced/Unlaced, and Unlaced is amazing.

Oh, I also had some very good chats with people today.
Tara, my boss: we talked about insurance and how I may be able to get insurance next month, instead of waiting six months. We also discussed my hypothyroidism, and it was very, very good. (Note to self: talking to people and trusting people is very good for me.) Ummm, she also said some really nice about what I'm like when I'm functioning. That was good, because I feel so fucking misunderstood a lot of the time, because of the thyroid fucking with me.
Dad: we chatted about how he's mostly worried about my (lack of) insurance, and if I can pay for insurance+doctor's bills and take care of myself on the Bakery paycheck, that he, despite practically forcing me (I was unwilling) to apply for crappy jobs through Monster, doesn't actually care what I do for a living. He was mostly worried (apparently) about the fact that I was going to have to wait six months to have insurance.

I also spent some time with a good friend of mine I kinda like the other night. We chatted a lot. Mostly about stupid stuff, nothing serious. But again, it was just nice to sit and talk, and not worry about anything. I worry too much. About what people think, what they're saying about me behind my back, when they're going to decide they hate me and never want to talk to me again.

Anyway. I am fucking tired, so I'm going to sleep.

23 October 2007

Thoughts on Marriage, Partnerships and Pregnancy

This post is brought to you by (because of?) bloomergrrl. Not like that, but she wrote a short post about marriage, and I got to thinking. (I'm not copying off you on purpose, bloomergrrl ... )

So anyway. Her post (in case you don't feel like reading it) was about how people shouldn't define their entire lives/happinesses on whether or not they're married or whether or not their relationships have "failed".
And I whole-heartedly agree. (So you were dating someone, and decided you wouldn't be happy with them for the rest of your life, and you're not dating them anymore ... how has that relationship failed? In my book, you successfully got out of an unhappy relationship.) Anyway, moving on.

I am basically single (I am technically not in any kind of committed relationship right now, but I do have a lover), and for the most part, I'm okay with that. I'm becoming more okay with my current situation every time I think about it.
Because I never want to get married. Because I can't see myself staying with one person the rest of my life. (The possible exception to this is if I find someone that I work very well with, and there is mutual respect/levels of commitment, and serious honesty. "Love" as most people think of it is not required (aka, passion). And the ability to take lovers and be completely honest about it and be honestly okay with it is required. That's where the passion comes in. And no, I don't really believe in monogamy, which is to say, it doesn't work for me.)

The biggest problem I have with this is, I want a baby. I want a child. My baby-cravings are not as strong now as they were a couple months ago, but I know it's only a matter of time before they come back.
My problem is, I belong to a conservative and judgmental family. I don't personally have a problem with conceiving, giving birth to and raising a child without a "partner". But I shudder to think about how my family would react. Getting pregnant and then getting married is one thing, permissible, and hardly spoken of (just ask my sister ... although getting divorced afterward is more trying, I think). But if I were to knowingly get pregnant without any intention of marriage ... I can't think how certain family members would react.
And I have so much trouble with the idea of raising a child in that kind of atmosphere, that kind of family. I know they would treat me and my child differently than, say, my brother and his potential family, when he gets home from preaching his/their religion to the world, and all that. And I'm pretty sure I can handle it; but I don't want my child to go through that.

I've been wondering if it would make it lightly better for my family if I were to tell them I want a baby, so I'm going for In Vitro, or something similar. I haven't decided. ('Tell' being the operative word, here, because I'd rather go the natural way ... )

Anyway, this is mostly moot point right now. I need a bit more stability in my life before I can think about raising a child.

By the way, Emilie Autumn is ENCHANTing ... I've been listening to Enchant pretty much non-stop since yesterday, and it's beautiful. (My lover made me a copy of Enchant and Laced/Unlaced, because he's a darling)

You know I think it's strange
Just a little bit deranged
That you think I'm gonna change to make you happy
If you can tell me why
I should wait around then I
May be coming down
But until then this means
You can see me in your dreams
Emilie Autumn, How Strange

21 October 2007

Fucking freezing!

Nude photo shoots outside only in spring, summer and fall.
From now on.

I got two pictures before deciding my feet would freeze off from standing in the snow.

I suppose I could wear thick socks and boots and just not photograph my feet . . .

My toes are thawing now. When they're finished, I'll continue to think about it.

Winter is Officially Here

As in, it snowed last night, and there is still snow on the ground this morning. Maybe it needs the 24-hour test? I dunno. And I'm sure it's because we're so high up in the mountains, I'm sure SLC didn't get as much snow.
Yesterday, because we had the entire family here, my mom wanted to take family pictures. So we all went out into the backyard, took pictures by these trees, and even took some pictures of leaf fights, throwing around handfuls of leaves. Last night we came home from dinner, and it was snowing, and my mom was like, quick, let's take the winter family photos now!
Of course, we didn't because it was so dark, but we may actually do it after church.

My problem is that because I'm "invited" to go to church, and not required, I have a three-hour in window in which my family (and the whole neighborhood--advantages of living where I do, I guess) is at church . . . and I had decided to be brave and do a (brief) nude "photoshoot" (I'm uncomfortable using real photography/modeling terms for what I do . . . I'm not sure why) outside in the leaves.
Well, now there's no leaves. Lots of snow. I might do something in the snow. Maybe. If so, I have to come up with it before I go out, because it will be so freaking cold.

11 October 2007

No fucking clue

More on a similar topic (similar to my last post).
I've had lots of thoughts swirling around in my head, and I'm not sure they're ready for culmination and expulsion yet.
But here goes:
The tea shop at which I work (that is not yet open) is owned by an older British couple, Robin and Elizabeth. They are somewhat conservative. Elizabeth has this very solid idea in her mind of what she wants the girls serving the customers to look like, complete with lacy aprons that are a story all their own.
She has told two of the three girls working on the counter (immediately upon meeting them) how cute they would look in the lacy aprons. Guess who the third girl is?
Nathaniel (a coworker) told me the other day (while trying on the aforementioned aprons) that it was the first time I'd looked like a girl.
I saw a girl today walking on the arm of a man; her hair was shaved off, shorter than mine is now, possibly shorter than mine has ever been, and I thought of that horrible email my "friend" sent me. What she said about my hair, and I quote: "i don't know why you shaved your head, but it looks horrible. i thought i could stand it until it grew back in, but then when it started to get long again, you shaved it! I had gotten my hopes up that it would get long and normal…oh well." And she said other nasty things about me "pretending to be sexy", etc. And I thought about someone whose opinion matters very much to me who said he liked my hair better when it was longer and more growed out.
And I thought, Do I care about being physically attractive?
I still don't have an answer.

I shaved my hair to redefine (for myself) physical beauty, because I have gone through major love/hate relationships with my appearance. I shaved my hair as part of my descent, as in "the Goddess rebirths, cuts her hair and goes under to tend the sleeping souls". I shaved my hair because I am interested in a warrior's path, on which I might learn about strength, and honor, and dealing with pain, and in my mind, I had two options: growing my hair long and putting it in either dreads or braids, decorated with beads and feathers, like warriors of lots of ancient cultures; or shaving my hair, like warriors of my culture. I chose the latter because of Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta, and also because I don't think long hair looks very good on me.
And when I shaved my hair, my descent was much clearer and sharper for me, and my roommate suggested that it was a symbolic beheading, and I was very comfortable with death and decay.

And now I am looking at older pictures of myself, and thinking of all the things people have said to and about me (that I know of), and thinking maybe I should grow my hair out again. It looked really cute that time when I cut it myself.

And I have no fucking clue.

01 October 2007

Train Wreck

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
Alanis Morissette, So Unsexy

I do. I dunno, maybe I'm depressed. I feel . . . plain. Unbeautiful.
I shaved my hair to create my own kind of beautiful, being tired of and annoyed by our culture's version of beautiful, which involves long, thick hair. My hair is very fine, and falls limp if it's too long.
But I am not conventionally beautiful. My features are strong and . . . unusual. My hair is thin, with no body, and doesn't look as good long. I feel awkward, too tall, clumsy.
I dunno. My two younger sisters are both better-looking than I am. In high school, when my sister started, people from my grade, whom I'd known for years but never been friends with, would come up to me and tell me, "Hey, your sister's really hot."
Gee thanks. I really needed that.
A friend of mine I kinda like said the same thing.

I mean, sometimes I feel attractive. And there are people (most notably my boyfriends) who find me attractive.
I just don't feel attractive tonight.


Would your love in all its finery
tear at the darkness all around me
until I can feel again
until I can breathe again

Cause I'm a train wreck waiting to happen
waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
a wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
I've no fear at all

Would your eyes like midnight fireflies
light up the trenches where my heart lies
until I can see again
to find my way back again


To fall so deep into you
lose myself completely
in your sweet embrace
all my pains erased

From your mouth its all that I wish
the mercy of your lips just one kiss
until I can breathe again
so that I can sing again

Train Wreck, Sarah McLachlan