Also, Happy Solstice.

I'm not really looking forward to New Year's.
I think I wouldn't mind so much if I was in my own place. I could just hang out at home and do my own thing, if I had no other plans.
But if I have no other plans, then hanging out here means running into my family's stuff. I'd rather do nothing than spend New Years' with my family.

I'm feeling isolated and lonely. Probably because I just came back from a party. It relates to what I said in my earlier blog, that I have trouble feeling connections once the people I feel connected to are gone. I felt like I had friends at the party, but now that it's over and I'm home, I feel more isolated than ever.
A part of me really wants someone to kiss--under the mistletoe, at the stroke of midnight, at a party, it doesn't even matter.

Anyway. It's fucking late.

Goodnight.
Happy Christmas Eve.

Chicago?

So, my sister's here for Christmas, and it's been crazy-amazing. She and I have just been spending a lot of time talking, whenever we can, which usually tends to be around midnight. Last night we went into my room, I read the Tarot cards for her, and then we just talked about our fucked-up family, and life and religion/spirituality and art and music and relationships, and especially how our family has basically fucked us up in the relationship arena.

And we talked about Chicago, and I'm thinking seriously about moving to Chicago again. I've found that my biggest fear, in moving, is that I have this "out-of-sight-out-of-mind" problem with people I don't see that often. I can only feel connections with people when they're right there, when I'm in the midst of a connection. When I don't see people for a while, I tend to lose that connection, and also to forget we ever had a connection (I tend to forget we were ever friends).
It really sucks.

But my book, How I Stayed Alive, talks about that, and about ways to maintain connections with people you don't see that often. So I feel like that might be okay. You know?

Anyway. Just thoughts.

Thanks.

My favorite Pagan book of all time (Urban Primitive) gives a spell for letting go of people who have moved on (or anything you might want to get rid of). The spell involves writing down the name of the person or thing to be let go of on a piece of paper, going to a subway station, ripping the paper up, and letting the subway trains take the pieces of paper away as they pass. Something about the undergroundedness, the motion and darkness, makes subways energetically related to the Underworld and the Underworld Deities.
Anyway. The book recommends that you be careful about doing this spell, because if you're not really ready to let go of that person or thing, it can get ripped from you.

My ex-lover was related to something that I was letting go of for my Samhain ritual. I do have to wonder if he was ripped from me as an unintentional byproduct of the letting go of things ritual. Because I was not ready.


I do want to say thanks to everyone who had a kind word to say, or has been thinking good thoughts my way. The depression isn't completely gone (is it ever?), but I'm feeling better.
I got some books from the library. One each on codependency, addiction, depression and suicide, because the title was How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me. And the suicide one, surprisingly enough, has been the most helpful so far. I have had a couple episodes of suicidal thought in my entire life, and the last one was fucking weird, involving completely involuntary flashes of ways I could kill myself, followed by commentary on how it wouldn't work ("No, crashing the car into the car in front of me won't kill me, I'm not going fast enough. I would get injured and go to the hospital, and have to pay the hospital bills and car-wreaking bills without insurance, and Nick (my ex-fiance whose car it was) would be pissed at me!"). And that was several months ago.
Anyway, the suicide book has all sorts of exercises and "Tricks of the Trade" that can be used on depression as well as suicidal thoughts, so that's been helping.
The addiction one is called Perfect Daughters and is about daughters of alcoholics (I guess it's more about codependency, but ... ). While my dad's not an alcoholic (and I'm having trouble pinpointing exactly what kind of addict he is, except perhaps an Avoidance Addict), the principle's the same, and what I've read so far (not much) works for me.
I wonder sometimes if I should go to Al-Anon meetings. Nick thought I should, when he started going to AA meetings.

Anyway, it's late, and I'm fucking tired and hungry. I need to eat and go to bed.
Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it. It's good to know that I am being heard.

Snow Feels Like Hope

I'm slightly depressed.
My lover (the relationship that wasn't going anywhere) ended it Friday. I know I was saying that it was an unhealthy relationship and needed to be over and all that, but it really caught me off-guard. We'd been having a good conversation, and I felt really close to him, and suddenly he was talking about ending it, and I was really surprised.
The depression has been pretty decent for my creating, though. Last night I took pictures for the first time in forever (besides taking picture of my hair). So that was good. (Winter Lights on dA)

Friday evening, I got out of his car, crying, and it was raining, like the sky was crying, and I got onto the train and opened my book and didn't look up until I was at my stop. So I was surprised when I got out to find that it was snowing. Big fluffy white flakes drifting softly, and it felt like hope.
So it hasn't stopped snowing for long since then, and while I know I'll get tired of the snow, I can't help but to feel slightly more hopeful every time I see the snow falling.

So, I'm going to try my celibacy thing again. (I never did find a term I was satisfied with.)

Meh. I'm getting more depressed. I also need to read my cards for the day. And then start doing mundane things like eating and showering.

As Cool As I Am

I'm going to be getting insurance really soon. (It should have been set up Friday, but our boss (Tara) called the insurance people, and they didn't answer, and as of when I left work on Friday, they hadn't called back ... Tara was sick Saturday, the Tea Shop is closed Sundays, and I don't work today ... ) Once I get insurance, I'm going to see a doctor.

I'm looking for a new place to live, also roommates. There's two places I kinda want--the first, the girl who lives there sounds pretty kick-ass, and I think we'd get along. The second, I'd have a room and a living room-type of thing to myself, which means, space for writing and ritual. They're both not really in the area I want, but that's okay.

Also, I bought a humidifier, and it has made SUCH a difference! I've been sleeping better since I got it.

It snowed majorly, and my stairs are covered in snow, which sucks. I feel like I'm going to fall and die whenever I go down them ...

Also, I was starting to hate my hair, because I'm not going to shave it again, and it's growing out and in that in-between stage, and I wear a hat all the time at work, which made it worse. I was talking to a friend of mine, who suggested dying an extreme color, "like platinum blond or black", to help me get through the in-between stage. I was like, "Well, I've done black before ... "
So, I bought some bleach, and yesterday:


You look out of the kitchen window and you shake your head and say low,
"If I could believe that stuff, I'd say that woman has a halo,"
And I look out and say, "Yeah, she's really blond."
As Cool As I Am, Dar Williams


I'm listening to Dar Williams. The thing about Dar is, she uses words very differently than most people. It makes her songs seem a little ... weird. I was listening to a mix CD my lover made me a while back, and we were talking, and suddenly I heard the line "You stopped and pointed and you said, "That's a crocus," And I said, "What's a crocus?" and you said, "It's a flower," I tried to remember, but I said, "What's a flower?" You said, "I still love you."
And I said, is that Dar Williams? And he said, very good, how did you know? And I said, because the lyrics almost made sense.
But I've discovered that there's an emotion behind her songs, and if you can connect to that emotion, then the song suddenly makes sense. It happened with February (the flower song), and then with As Cool As I Am on Saturday. So, that makes two of her songs that I actually understand.

Anyway. I hope everyone's having a lovely day.
I love you all!