14 November 2007

Just putting this out there.

I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling. I've had a few dysfunctional days in a row, followed by today which was functional and good, up until now when I feel ... detached and numb and dysfunctional again.
I joined a Love Addicts Anonymous discussion board, because there are no LAA meetings here (or anywhere else besides LA). There are a few SLAA (Sex and Love AA) meetings, but they're not exactly arranged to work perfectly with my life (two on role-playing days, one on my day off, which will be fine once I move back to SLC ... ). There's also two CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meetings, one on a game night, the other on my writing group night.

I don't know if I should even "put this out there", because once you say something, like, I'm writing a novel, or, I've joined a 12-step program, people ask about it, people expect you to go on with it, people want to hear about your novel, people hold you to being a vegetarian (a friend of mine decided he wouldn't actually start being a vegetarian until he told people he was).
I don't know that I can handle that right now. Hell, it's hard enough when people ask about my writing projects. (By the way, seriously put on hold right as my life is basically falling apart.)

I don't know what to do. I feel like I just want to get my life in order one thing at a time, and right now, that's moving out of my parents' house. It's semi-valid; I will have a much easier time getting to that Monday meeting if I'm already in SLC, because I live there. But it also feels like one of those endless excuses; the as-soon-as excuse.
I know I should get out of my current relationship, because I'm unhealthy, and so is he (like attracts like; it's very difficult to have unhealthy relationships with healthy people), and the relationship is pretty much going nowhere, but I'm content to wait till I've started going to meetings, which is again semi-valid, because if this was something I could do on my own, without the support of people who know what I'm going through, I'd have done it already. I need the support of the group. But the excuse feels like a crutch.

I know that I'm going to regret "putting this out there".
Is this some kind of cry for help and sympathy? I don't think so. But hell, my judgement isn't exactly perfect at the moment. And I'm seriously not functional right now.

I need a humidifier hella bad.

1 comment:

  1. I understand what you're going through. Living with parents only makes the dysfunctional more obvious and hard to deal with. I hope you can get your own place soon.


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