01 April 2009



Today was a day.
First, my roommate tells me I'll have to move out by mid-July--which gives me a good long time to find a new job and a new place to live--I'll need the new job to support the new place to live, because I doubt I'll find another place to live that's as cheap as where I live now--but, still. I understand, he's having financial problems (who isn't?), and wants to rent to someone who will actually pay him money (which I would do if I made enough money to live by, but ... ).
But anyway. It kind of sucked.
So, Universe (and anyone else who reads this), I need a new job. I need to make actual living wages.

Then, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and we talked about how our relationship isn't working out, and he ... he said lots of things, and I don't know if they're true, or if I'm telling myself they aren't true so as to keep up that shield of self-preservation.
I mean, I know I'm self-centered/arrogant. I know that, and I try really hard to counter that by not talking about myself so much, or by asking questions. The asking questions part is really difficult, because I'm introverted by nature, so I have to work hard to realize, Oh, I should ask this question now!
I do try. But the question is, do I try hard enough? He said I wasn't supportive (I thought I was), that I was judgmental (I didn't think so) and that everything was about me. I know at least some of that is his perspective on things, but how much? How do you know what's true?
I'm a firm believer in multiple truths, but I just don't know about this situation: his truth is that I am completely self-centered, arrogant, unsupportive, that I judge him and think he's stupid because he didn't go to college, that I wasn't open enough, etc. My truth is that I was being as supportive as I could, that I was trying very hard to bury my self-centeredness, that I thought he communicated poorly at times (but never that he was stupid!), and that I refrained from talking about myself too much (not being open enough) to try to counter-act my natural self-interest.
Oh, and he also thought I was a slut. Because I was honest with him (I was being open!) in the beginning about the fact that monogamy doesn't come naturally to me, and that I was trying hard to make monogamy work for me. Here's the funny thing: he's the first boyfriend I *haven't* cheated on, or nearly. But he'd also heard (through the grapevine at work) that I'd spent the night at this guy's house (before he and I were dating), and so he "didn't want to believe" that I was sleeping around.

I don't know. Sorry, I just got off the phone with him, and needed to vent.
But anyway, towards the end, he just kept saying that he needed to not be in a relationship, and so it was more a thing about him than that I was this awful, horrible person.
I don't know.

Anyway, all in all, not the best day.

On a slightly better note, the Frenzy has started, and I've written a little over a page of my script.


  1. He sounds like a jerk, and that he was just trying hard to dig up reasons to break up with you, making it look like your fault so that he wouldn't have to feel guilty. Grr, some men really suck. :(

  2. Walking around, dynamite in hand, looking for a bridge to burn...



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