If I'm not fucked up, if I'm not using drugs, if I don't have an eating disorder, if I'm not on any medications, if I've never attempted suicide, how can I justify not being happy?
I guess so. It's just this feeling I get sometimes, and it's probably not healthy, of, geez, look at me, I can mostly function, I have a place to live, a job, people who care about me, why am I whining all the time? Or, as Alanis Morissette says: Who? Who am I to be blue? Look at my family and fortune. Look at my friends and my house. Who? Who am I to feel deadened? Who am I to feel spent? Look at my health and my money. (from "Offer")
I suppose that depends on the variety of "didn't" ... though I suppose there really is only one variety of "didn't": if it matters to you at all, then the only reason you didn't do it was because you couldn't--based on some definition on "couldn't". I'm a great believer in that because if I believed that it was, in fact, possible for me to do the things I don't do on a regular basis (for instance, eat regularly, call friends and family, be sociable), I would feel very bad about myself very often. (And so here, in this tiny corner of the internet, I will speculate on the idea of "being too negative": rather than (as my sister's counselor says) "should-ing on myself" by berating myself for all the things (like eating regularly) I should have done but didn't, I tend to say, that's not possible for me, and because I say "I can't", it gets termed as "negative". I am not sure what, exactly, "being too negative" means, but one of my theories involves this, this knowing of my own limitations and boundaries, and stating them, which I feel is preferable to thinking I should be able to do the things that I simply haven't yet been able to do. Another option, perhaps? Could I, what? Continue to try to extend my boundaries? Just talk about it less? Never say never and never say can't? *sigh* Need to explore more, I'm sure ... and eat dinner. Which I'm about to do.)
Though perhaps I went further afield than your initial question meant me to, still I thank you for prompting me to think. Even when I'm starving ...
(this is Heather) My husband, Tony, says that "being happy" is an Americanism. No one is truly happy. Mood swings, ups and downs... that stuff is normal. We have an unrealistic expectation that changing things or doing something or "not trying hard enough" is unacceptable and we always need to be pushing ourselves to be fulfilled and happy. It's an impossible expectation.
And unless I force myself to remember, I don't eat regularly either, and when I don't eat, my moods suffer, and the more miserable I am, the less apt I am to want to eat. A vicious cycle. I feel you, there.
I am unmedicated bipolar. I just take it one day at a time. My husband says it's unfair for him to deal with my moods and my ups and downs, but I'm used to them. I may change my mind at some point but right now, I'm content.
Just 'cause it ain't all that bad doesn't mean it's all that great, does it?
ReplyDeleteI guess so. It's just this feeling I get sometimes, and it's probably not healthy, of, geez, look at me, I can mostly function, I have a place to live, a job, people who care about me, why am I whining all the time?
ReplyDeleteOr, as Alanis Morissette says:
Who?
Who am I to be blue?
Look at my family and fortune.
Look at my friends and my house.
Who?
Who am I to feel deadened?
Who am I to feel spent?
Look at my health and my money.
(from "Offer")
If we could dream of something, wouldn't we feel a bit down in the dumps if we didn't pursue it?
ReplyDeleteI suppose that depends on the variety of "didn't" ... though I suppose there really is only one variety of "didn't": if it matters to you at all, then the only reason you didn't do it was because you couldn't--based on some definition on "couldn't".
ReplyDeleteI'm a great believer in that because if I believed that it was, in fact, possible for me to do the things I don't do on a regular basis (for instance, eat regularly, call friends and family, be sociable), I would feel very bad about myself very often.
(And so here, in this tiny corner of the internet, I will speculate on the idea of "being too negative": rather than (as my sister's counselor says) "should-ing on myself" by berating myself for all the things (like eating regularly) I should have done but didn't, I tend to say, that's not possible for me, and because I say "I can't", it gets termed as "negative". I am not sure what, exactly, "being too negative" means, but one of my theories involves this, this knowing of my own limitations and boundaries, and stating them, which I feel is preferable to thinking I should be able to do the things that I simply haven't yet been able to do. Another option, perhaps? Could I, what? Continue to try to extend my boundaries? Just talk about it less? Never say never and never say can't? *sigh* Need to explore more, I'm sure ... and eat dinner. Which I'm about to do.)
Though perhaps I went further afield than your initial question meant me to, still I thank you for prompting me to think. Even when I'm starving ...
(this is Heather) My husband, Tony, says that "being happy" is an Americanism. No one is truly happy. Mood swings, ups and downs... that stuff is normal. We have an unrealistic expectation that changing things or doing something or "not trying hard enough" is unacceptable and we always need to be pushing ourselves to be fulfilled and happy. It's an impossible expectation.
ReplyDeleteAnd unless I force myself to remember, I don't eat regularly either, and when I don't eat, my moods suffer, and the more miserable I am, the less apt I am to want to eat. A vicious cycle. I feel you, there.
I am unmedicated bipolar. I just take it one day at a time. My husband says it's unfair for him to deal with my moods and my ups and downs, but I'm used to them. I may change my mind at some point but right now, I'm content.