12 September 2007

What a Day (or Two)

I don't even know where to begin. I've been wanting to write up a post the past couple days, but the computer/internet has been being stupid. My computer says that the network has not assigned my computer an address, and so connection to the internet is sporadic, and my brother insists that it's an "open network", which apparently means that it doesn't matter, but unfortunately, connection to the internet continues to be sporadic.
I'm using my family's computer; my brother and sister are at a concert, so the computer's free.

A few days ago, I was reading a book my sister lent me (A Great and Terrible Beauty, I can't remember the author), and one of the characters engages in self-mutilation. She explained to the main character that she did it because she couldn't feel anything, and she hurt herself basically to see if she *could* feel. Now, I've heard this before (I had a friend a few years back who also (used to) use self-mutilation), but for some reason, it struck me with particular force. Perhaps because recently, it's occurred to me that I also have trouble feeling. I haven't begun to self-mutilate, but that may be that I am in enough pain already (in brief, my spine is crooked, which causes back and neck pain, as well as headaches, my joints are in constant pain, possibly because my thyroid probably doesn't work properly (I haven't seen a doctor yet), and I haven't been able to get new corrective lenses (glasses/contacts), so I'm getting (even more) headaches).
I dunno. I've been reading about the thyroid gland lately (in brief, I've been feeling terrible for a couple years, then found out thyroid troubles run in my family, so started looking into it), and it seems the thyroid is involved with emotions. (And a million other things.)
The song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls came to mind:
You can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
And when everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

The last line. Thyroid does all sorts of things to a person. Makes you irritable, pulls your emotions/mood in all sorts of different directions, makes you depressed, anxious, stressed-out. I feel like everyone who knows me really doesn't. I haven't been fully alive for years. I don't even understand myself. I do things I don't even understand. I don't know why I do them. I get that I'm terrified of intimacy, so I push people away. But I do all sorts of things, and I don't understand my own reasons and motivations.
My life has no meaning, sometimes.

Anyway. I got an email--well, I suppose it was sent a few days ago, but I wasn't able to check my email for a few days. It was from someone I was friendly with. It's happened before, people I thought were friends who actually didn't like me much. She sent me an email basically tearing me apart, telling me everything she doesn't like about me.
Honestly, it stressed me out. I was shaking, I felt anxious, I couldn't cope. I sent a short reply, but not very in-depth. And I tried to be polite.

But anyway, it's late. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.


  1. That is so mean... I'm sorry that you got a harassing letter from someone. I hate it when people feel the need to be cruel "for your own good" and then proceed to rip you to shreds. It's not fun, or fair.

    Cecil says we should all hang out sometime. Sounds like considering the crap you're going through, it could either be helpful or harmful. Either way, it still would be nice to see you. Perhaps you might want to come with us on some "Heather night" (at a bar we go to) on Tuesdays where there's $1 drafts. Please let either he and I know if you would like to, and I can arrange transport, since his car is out of commission right now.


  2. I know the Cecil/Justin you know. The one who did the photoshoot with you for Sloth. It's weird... he was actually dating one of my friends for awhile, and I met him at a club. I hang out with him a lot now, and he keeps saying we should get you to hang out with us.

    Money is not a problem, nor is finding a place to crash. There's my place, there's Cecil's, or my and Cecil's friend Jay's. The cover is $1 at the place we go, and drinks are $1- and we all share everything we get anyway, so it's not even an issue to have you come with us.

    If Tuesday is not happening for you, we also usually go out on Friday or Saturday nights too. Cover is a little more expensive, but we still have a blast. And if the bar is dead, or if we get bored, Jay lives just up the street from the bar, and we go up there for food and movies.

    Call my cell 637-8602 or call Cecil so we can work this out. I'm sure you need a break from routine (or something will break) so please... let us know. I am free every night except for Sunday, and Cecil can be flaky, but if he knows you plan to be there, he'll try extra hard not to blow us off. Haha!

    Even just hanging out would be fun. If you feel the need to get out, just let me know. We almost always do something spur-of-the-moment, as well.

  3. Haha, he only hangs out with me because he's fucking my best friend. I'm sure if that wasn't the case, I'd never seen him. You know what a flake he is! ;)

    Yes, next weekend would be awesome. Definitely keep me updated! :D

  4. Oh, and PS... if you talk to him, ask him about the photo shoot I did of him the other day... ;)


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