23 October 2007

Thoughts on Marriage, Partnerships and Pregnancy

This post is brought to you by (because of?) bloomergrrl. Not like that, but she wrote a short post about marriage, and I got to thinking. (I'm not copying off you on purpose, bloomergrrl ... )

So anyway. Her post (in case you don't feel like reading it) was about how people shouldn't define their entire lives/happinesses on whether or not they're married or whether or not their relationships have "failed".
And I whole-heartedly agree. (So you were dating someone, and decided you wouldn't be happy with them for the rest of your life, and you're not dating them anymore ... how has that relationship failed? In my book, you successfully got out of an unhappy relationship.) Anyway, moving on.

I am basically single (I am technically not in any kind of committed relationship right now, but I do have a lover), and for the most part, I'm okay with that. I'm becoming more okay with my current situation every time I think about it.
Because I never want to get married. Because I can't see myself staying with one person the rest of my life. (The possible exception to this is if I find someone that I work very well with, and there is mutual respect/levels of commitment, and serious honesty. "Love" as most people think of it is not required (aka, passion). And the ability to take lovers and be completely honest about it and be honestly okay with it is required. That's where the passion comes in. And no, I don't really believe in monogamy, which is to say, it doesn't work for me.)

The biggest problem I have with this is, I want a baby. I want a child. My baby-cravings are not as strong now as they were a couple months ago, but I know it's only a matter of time before they come back.
My problem is, I belong to a conservative and judgmental family. I don't personally have a problem with conceiving, giving birth to and raising a child without a "partner". But I shudder to think about how my family would react. Getting pregnant and then getting married is one thing, permissible, and hardly spoken of (just ask my sister ... although getting divorced afterward is more trying, I think). But if I were to knowingly get pregnant without any intention of marriage ... I can't think how certain family members would react.
And I have so much trouble with the idea of raising a child in that kind of atmosphere, that kind of family. I know they would treat me and my child differently than, say, my brother and his potential family, when he gets home from preaching his/their religion to the world, and all that. And I'm pretty sure I can handle it; but I don't want my child to go through that.

I've been wondering if it would make it lightly better for my family if I were to tell them I want a baby, so I'm going for In Vitro, or something similar. I haven't decided. ('Tell' being the operative word, here, because I'd rather go the natural way ... )

Anyway, this is mostly moot point right now. I need a bit more stability in my life before I can think about raising a child.

By the way, Emilie Autumn is ENCHANTing ... I've been listening to Enchant pretty much non-stop since yesterday, and it's beautiful. (My lover made me a copy of Enchant and Laced/Unlaced, because he's a darling)

You know I think it's strange
Just a little bit deranged
That you think I'm gonna change to make you happy
If you can tell me why
I should wait around then I
May be coming down
But until then this means
You can see me in your dreams
Emilie Autumn, How Strange


  1. Since I have hands-on experience with this, I am going to be completely 100% honest with you.

    Single mommyism is VERY hard. You should wait until you're stable in a good career and have a house of your own, if you truly want to go it alone.

    Before I moved to Utah, I had a baby who was the result of the baby craving. BAD IDEA. After two months of needy infant I washed my hands of the whole situation, left him with my mom, and took off as far away as I could go. It was a stupid decision, and I regret it, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

    All I'm saying is make sure you're 100% serious about wanting to be burdened. I am not going to soften it down... babies are a BURDEN. They demand all your time, financial resources, and attention. Having a baby is a pain (pun!), and then you have to deal with crazy hormones for up to 2 years. Having a person to share the responsibility with is not just "socially-acceptable" but it is honestly something that can be necessary at times, for mental-health reasons.

    If I didn't have a husband when I had my daughter, I probably would have taken off on her, too. He forces me to deal with him, her, and other responsibilities I would rather not think about, lol.

    This is not to say that I don't want other kids. I want to have maybe one more before I'm 30. However, I am finally in a good situation for my sanity- my husband stays home and plays mommy, I work, and I go out with friends. I get to satisfy my cravings for freedom, and still have a home to come back to. It's really the best of both worlds. One day, you will find a man or woman who wants the same things out of life as you. When that happens, having a baby is much, much easier. :)

  2. Yeah, and whatever happens in your life will be for the best, anyway. :)


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