25 September 2009

Bad Day

Today has been a bad day.
Getting home and seeing my cat (I have a cat) and talking to my roommate helped dispel it somewhat; just enough that I can no longer so readily find the words to describe it. But I'm going to try.

The world feels unreal.
I walk through the world and nothing can touch me.
Nothing can touch me.
I am a ghost.
I'm surrounded by ghosts.
I walk, I breathe, I talk, I even smile, but I am just a dead body, walking around and talking.
Nothing is real.
I am breaking down.

Last night, for the first time in years, I had suicidal thoughts. Last night, twice, I wanted it to all end, right now, just end. I couldn't think of anything that would be fast enough for me. The fastest thing I could think of was getting a kitchen knife and opening my veins, but I couldn't think that far. Specifically, I couldn't imagine the critical part where I am holding the knife and the knife is slicing my flesh. And if I can't imagine it, I don't think I can do it.

Anyway. I have a cat. Her name is Tokyo, and she's adorable. I love her dearly. More info and maybe even pictures of her later ...

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